Page 13 of Atlas & Miles
I frowned. That made my heart hurt. “And is that what you prefer?” I had to know if this was by choice for him or born out of necessity. That mattered.
He shrugged, matching my frown, and my hand landed on his without thinking. “Not really. But I figure if I’ve gone this long without a relationship, maybe I’m not meant to have one.”
“That’s bullshit.”
His wide eyes shot to mine. “Excuse me?”
My thumb rubbed the back of his hand. “I’m sorry. Respectfully, that’s bullshit.”
A disbelieving chuckle burst out of him. “What’s bullshit?”
“Just because you’ve never had a relationship doesn’t mean you’re not meant to have one, if that’s what you want. It just means you haven’t met the right person yet.”
His expression grew serious. A shiver trickled down my spine at the intensity in his gaze, but I couldn’t look away. “Maybe I have.”
Oh, fuck. My hand twitched with the desire to fan myself. He meant me, right?
“Atlas, I . . .” He eyed me cautiously. “Cards on the table?”
I nodded, swallowing against the lump in my throat. “Cards on the table.”
“I want you. I want to take you out, see if there’s something between us. But I don’t see how I can.”
I bit my lip, emotions split between my desire for what he’d said first and how angry I was at the second part—for him, for me, at the situation.
I took a deep breath before responding. “And why not? I don’t think it’s because you’re ashamed to be seen with me—the coffee shop proved that—but I’m trying not to take this personally.”
His eyes shot wide, and his hand gripped my knee as if he didn’t want me to leave. “No, it’s not that at all! I would be proud to be with you. I just . . . I’ve never considered coming out before. I didn’t have a reason to, and it didn’t seem worth the drama.”
“And now?” I croaked, my voice cracking.
I watched him take a few deep breaths, his chest heaving. God, that was a nice chest. Fuck, why did this have to be so complicated?
I could never date someone who was in the closet, not long-term. And did I evenwantto date anyone, anyway? I’d just been thinking about how content I was with no-feelings hookups. And thatwashighly satisfying.
But . . . maybe, with Miles, I wanted to try.Maybe.
I supposed it would all depend on what came out of his mouth next.
He flipped his hand around, grasping mine, interlacing our fingers. Goosebumps broke out along my arms as I watched him with wide eyes, waiting for him to speak with bated breath.
“I want you, Atlas. I’ve never felt attraction to another person this strongly before. Maybe it’s because we knew each other in high school, but this isn’t just a carryover from my latent high school crush.” My eyes widened at that. He crushed on me even back then? “I’m attracted to you, yes, but I also want to get to know you now, as an adult, and—”
He cut himself off, pulling his hand from mine and pushing to his feet to pace the room. I watched him, wanting to know what he was going to say but afraid to interrupt him.
“God, Atlas, you’re . . . fuck, I don’t know what’s even happening. But I . . . you’re full of life and energy and joy, and you deserve better than being hidden in the shadows. And I’mjust a closeted gay man who is too scared of what people think to admit I’m not into women. Shit!”
He scrubbed a hand through his hair, wrenching a lot of it from the bun as if he’d forgotten it was pulled back. With a growl of frustration, he yanked out the elastic hair tie and snapped it around his wrist, shoving locks of dark-brown wavy hair behind his ears as he paced in front of my coffee table. He could only get about three steps before he had to turn around in the small space, but that wasn’t stopping him.
Abruptly, he froze. As he slowly turned toward me, my heart stuttered in my chest. I got the horrible feeling that I wasn’t going to like what he was about to say. “Atlas, I . . . I want you so badly. You’re worth coming out for, I believe that with everything I am. But I also know . . .” His gaze locked with mine, and the sorrow in his brown eyes was unmistakable. “I’m not ready.”
My stomach dropped as he continued.
“Fuck, I wish I was ready. I wish I could walk outside right now and shout to the whole goddamn town that I’m into you.”
My gut clenched at that. Oh, how I wanted that, too.
“But I . . . I need to work on my shit before I could ever do that. I don’t . . . I’m a goddamn mess, Atlas, and you deserve to be with someone who has their shit together.”
