Page 81 of Becoming His Perfect Daddy
Sam put his hand on my shoulder, his expression sorrowful. “I’m so sorry to hear that, Cameron. I can’t imagine.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Really? BecauseIcan’t imagine you staying single your whole life. Even if you haven’t been transitioning long.”
He sat up next to me, crossing his legs. I matched him, because this seemed like it might take awhile. And I was here to listen.
“I told you I was fairly new to all this, right?”
I nodded.
“I’ve really only had one serious relationship as an adult. I lost my virginity in college to some semi-attractive nerd who had the hots for me—his words. I’m guessing it was because I was presenting super femme at the time.”
“Been there.”
He huffed out a humorless laugh. “That’s right, you told me that. It’s really nice to find someone who gets it.”
I grabbed his hand. “I think so, too.” I smiled. “Go on.”
He nodded once, squeezing my hand. “Sex was . . . well, it made me feel grown up, like an adult. I liked that part of it. The action itself, well . . . I didn’t hate the full feeling, but it didn’t really do anything for me, either. My favorite part was when he let me ride him, when I had a little control. I couldn’t get off with him inside me, though, and when he finished, he just left. I wasn’t even in the mood to finish myself.” He sighed. “I never saw that guy again.”
I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb. “I’m so sorry, Sam.”
He shrugged, frowning. “I did have a long-term thing with another guy, though, several years later. We were together for over five years.”
My eyes popped wide. “Really? That’s . . . how did that work? If you don’t mind me asking, was sex always difficult?”
“Oh, yeah. Definitely. Whenever we had sex, same result. I could only get off with, um,assistance.”
“Like a vibrator or his tongue or fingers?”
The corners of his eyes turned down. “Well, when I used a vibrator, anyway, usually after he’d left to clean up. He had no interest in anything else. He never touched me there, and he certainly wouldn’t put his mouth anywhere near me. Guess he didn’t feel like that was his job, or maybe he just thought it was disgusting. That I was disgusting.” He drew in a shaky breath and whispered a heartbreaking confession. “Sometimes I still believe I am.”
My heart broke for him. “I’m so sorry, Sam, truly.” Without thinking, I pulled him into a hug, holding him tightly to me. I felt him melt into my embrace, his body shaking a bit with whatI suspected were tears. “I know it’s not the same thing, but I’ve been there, too.”
He pulled away from me to find my gaze. “Really?”
I nodded. “Yup. My relationship lasted longer, but it dissolved quickly when I told him I wanted to transition. Turns out, he was homophobic and didn’t want to be in a relationship with a guy. Oh, and super transphobic as well.”
His face fell, and I felt the compassion in his still watery eyes as he reached over to rub my shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Cameron. No one deserves that.”
I sniffed, holding in tears. “It’s okay. It’s not like I blame him—I just couldn’t keep being the person he wanted me to be. I wasn’t that person anymore, and I couldn’t live like that any longer.”
He nodded. “I keep wondering how it took me so long to get here. Why I didn’t realize it before now. I mean, how un-self-aware did I have to be to not recognize the signs? They seem so obvious now, looking back.”
I frowned. “Everyone comes to things in their own time. That’s why they say hindsight’s twenty-twenty, right?”
He huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I suppose.”
“May I ask what made you realize that you were trans?”
Sam hesitated, biting his lip adorably again. Since I couldn’t resist, I cupped his cheek, running my thumb over the marks. That must’ve pulled him from his thoughts, because he made eye contact with me again. “Actually, I read about it in a book. The character was a trans guy, a top, and I saw myself in him. Once I realized it, I couldn’t unsee it. It was so obvious.” He shook his head once. “And now I’m just trying to live my life as authentically as possible.”
“You realized that about yourself in a book?” I asked. He nodded. “That’s incredible. That’s why I write books—they literally can change people’s lives.”
Sam glanced away, seemingly lost in thought. I rubbed the back of the hand I still held until he was ready to come back to me.
Eventually, he turned toward me again. “Can I confess something?”
My stomach tumbled. “Of course.”
