Page 60 of Becoming His Perfect Daddy
He just sent a string of laughing emojis.
I flopped back down in bed, holding my phone aloft and staring at my DMs. Cameron’s handle,writerboy57, stared back at me.
I needed a plan. I had to let him know who I was, and despite Oliver’s encouragement, the sick feeling in my stomach was eating away at my confidence. No one brave enough to come out and reveal their true identity to the man they loved would feel like this.
But for him, maybe I could be brave. Maybe I could be strong. Maybe I could be the Daddy I was created to be, own up to the situation, and tell him the truth.
It was fucking scary, but then again, I’d done a shit-ton of terrifying things over the past year, hadn’t I? I’d come out to multiple people, transitioned physically and socially, and kissed Cameron like I needed him more than air. Which was true, to be honest.
I had a year of being more brave than most people had in a lifetime. I could do this. I was a fucking Daddy, and it was time I acted like it.
So I slid out of bed, snagged my laptop, logged in, and climbed back under the covers before pulling up my browser. And then I started to type.
September 20th
Cameron,
I’ve met someone. Someone who means the world to me. But I have a secret. More than one, actually. And I know if I keep these secrets from them—from you—I will fuck it all up. I will fuck us up.
Because I want there to be an us.
Not just online, but always. I want you more than I ever thought possible, and I was kidding myself thinking I couldwait seven months to be near you, hold you, make you mine. I barely made it a month.
But before we can do that, I have to come clean. I don’t want anything between us if we’re ever going to be real. You told me once you wanted this to be real, and this is the only way I know how to give you that, Cameron, my sweet boy.
I just hope you won’t hate me when I’m done.
First . . . The reason I’ve kept my identity a secret is because I’m transgender. And because I have a lifetime of internalized transphobia to unlearn, I convinced myself you’d never want me if I didn’t have the “right” parts, if I didn’t immediately present as the man I am. That’s so fucked up, right? Because everything you are is right and good, and you are so incredibly perfect for me. Why would I have a different standard for myself?
I sighed, relieved, but more vulnerability would be required, and I braced myself for it as I resumed writing.
It feels good to get that out, but that’s not even the hard one. Because this final secret has the power to break us.
Sucking in a breath, I paused with my fingers hovering over the keys for a few long seconds, then I exhaled as my fingers moved once again, seemingly without my permission.
When you kissed me last night, my world was destroyed and reborn in a single moment. When you pressed your lips to mine, taking what you wanted, I wanted to hold you and never let go. When I held you in my arms, tasted your essence, I knew I was ruined for every other man.
If you haven’t guessed, I’m Sam.
You’ve become my life, Cameron, and being your Daddy has been the honor of my existence. I hope this isn’t the end of usbefore we even have a chance to begin. But if it is, I hope you know that someone out there loves you more than life itself.
Always,
Sam
After rereading it more times than I’d care to admit, I hit send, and my breath caught. Then, praying Cameron wouldn’t hate me forever, I opened my text messages, pulled up our brief conversation from yoga last month, and sent him our very first real text as Sam, as S.M.C., as everything in between.
Then I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Nothing ever came.
Sam
September 20th
