Page 105 of Becoming His Perfect Daddy
Then it hit me, and I sighed, because I knew how. And it was gonna suck.
“Cameron, I love you. All of you. And I’m in this, too. But I think we need some time apart. This . . . it hurts, baby. It hurts to know I’m not what you’ve always wanted.”
“But—”
I waved my hand to cut him off. “I know. You said that’s not what you want anymore, and I believe you. I’m just trying to be honest, tell you how I feel. I don’t want us to hide anymore, Cameron. I’ve had a bad habit of stuffing things down, maybe even putting you on a pedestal, but I don’t want that with you. And honestly, what I’m feeling right now sucks.”
His face fell, but he nodded slowly.
“If you’re not ready to tell me you love me—if you’re not sure—that’s totally fine. I get it. But I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt any longer.”
“Sam, I—”
“Please don’t say it now, Cameron. Please don’t. I’ll forever question if you said it because I asked you to.” I sighed again, running my hand through my drenched head of hair then scrubbing it down my face to try to dry it off. I knew it was a useless action, as the downpour hadn’t let up, but I felt like I had to do something. “Just give me a little time, okay? Let me process all this.”
His bottom lip quivered, and I almost lost my nerve. Questions flew through my head, making me wonder if I was making the right decision.
But god knew I wasn’t perfect, and sometimes life was just about making the best decision I could in the moment and hoping everything would eventually work out.
Which made me think of something else I needed to say. Something he needed to understand. “Please know, Cameron, everything I told you tonight is true. I’m not going anywhere. You’re it for me, if you’ll have me. And I think it’s up to you to decide if you will.” I stepped forward, pressed a firm kiss to his forehead as the pain squeezed my eyes shut, then did the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life and took a step back, away from him. “When you decide, let me know.”
Then I turned and walked up the alley, leaving a soaked Cameron standing in the rain.
Holding my battered, broken, and hopeful heart.
Chapter twenty-eight
Cameron
Iwatched Sam walk away until he disappeared around the front of the building, squinting through the rain at his muscled back. I was soaked through, and the January rain was freezing, but I couldn’t move from this spot. I’d told Sam I was in it with him, but that hadn’t been enough.
Ihadn’t been enough.
Well, fuck that, then. Fuck him if he didn’t think I was good enough for him. If he wasn’t prepared to deal with my anxiety, what the fuck kind of shit Daddy was he, anyway?
My feet started pacing up and down the alley without my permission as my chest heaved. Anger boiled hotter with every step. Where the fuck did he get off? I’d been there, right there with him this whole time. I’d let him into my home, showed him the body I had innumerable insecurities about but had worked hard to get, performed the most intimate acts with him that any human could perform with another. I’d let him in, goddammit!
Hadn’t I?
My steps slowed as the realization crashed over me like a tidal wave until I felt I might drown.
I hadn’t.
Sam was right.
Instead of letting the man I loved inside my soul, I’d let him inside my body and called it good enough. I’d kept him at arm’s length because I was terrified of getting hurt again. Of being let down.
Of risking my heart.
And in doing so, I’d pushed him away. I’d made him believe I didn’t love him. I’d let my own fear win.
Saying I’d been unfair to him felt like a cop-out—I’d been brutal.
The man loved me, showed me every day in countless ways. He’d been the perfect Daddy for me since the moment we started talking on the Daddy’s Boy app. He’d even made it a point to join the Daddies and Subs Club, connect with the other Daddies, and learn from them so he could be better. For me.
And what did I do?
I threw it all in his face like I didn’t fucking care at all.
