Page 103 of Becoming His Perfect Daddy
“I’m not! This is me, Sam.” He spread his arms out wide, the rain falling more steadily now. “I’m here, aren’t I?”
His words sliced through my chest. “That’s all you want? To be physically here with me? I want to share my life with you, Cameron, all of it. Every. Single. Piece. But I feel like you don’t want to commit.”
Cameron leaned forward then, pressing his pointer finger into my bound chest as his voice rose. “I’m doing my best. I don’t know what you want from me!”
“I want you!” I shouted back at him, unable to control my volume as our clothes got soaked through. “I want all of you, Cameron! I fucking love you! I told you that months ago, but you haven’t even said it back!”
Water poured over Cameron’s beautiful face, lit starkly by the utility lights that illuminated this alley. “God, Sam! I just need time! You can’t force someone to tell you they love you.”
I scoffed aloud, throwing my hands in the air. “Of course I know that. But since we got together, Cameron, you’ve lost your fire, your passion. Everything’s seemed like rainbows and roses,but do you realize this is the first time we’ve fought since this same meeting back in September? Since we first kissed? You had a lot of anger, Cameron, and that doesn’t just go away. You didn’t even yell at me for admitting I was S.M.C., and I know that had to piss you off! I don’t know why, but I think you’ve been suppressing it.”
Cameron’s eyes blazed. “How the fuck do you get off telling me how I feel? I’m trying, okay? This has been hard for me!”
I narrowed my eyes at that. Thank fuck, we were finally getting somewhere. “What’s been hard?”
“This!” He waved between us, and I had to tell my heart not to break at that. “You have been so perfect, and I’m just struggling not to mess up everything.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“This! You! You have this whole image of me you’ve built in your head of this author who writes amazing books and is the most perfect person in the world. Do you know how much that wears on me?”
My eyes shot wide. “I don’t know what you’re even talking about right now!”
“No?” he shouted, spinning in the pouring rain. I could see his chest heaving. “I have to be perfect for you, don’t you see that? I will never live up to your expectations otherwise!”
“Cameron,” I started, my voice cracking as it softened, “what are you talking about, baby? What expectations?”
Cameron’s eyes flashed as he stood stark still in the downpour, water dripping from every inch of him. “I transitioned before you, so I have to be the perfect trans man, set an example. I knew I was a boy before you knew you were a Daddy. You idolized me and my books before we even started talking. It’s so much! It’s . . . it’s too much!”
I took a few breaths as we stared at each other, willing him to calm down. My own heart rate was slowing at his confessions.After a few extended moments, I finally spoke. “I’m so sorry, baby. Please know that I never had these expectations for you. I want you just as you are.”
He was shaking his head before I even finished. “No, Sam, that’s not true. I have to be perfect for you, because if I’m not, you’ll—”
He cut himself off, and my irritation flared back to life. “I’ll what?”
Cameron turned his back to me, muttering, “Never mind.”
“No, don’t do that, Cameron!” I screamed through the rain. “Don’t hide from me! I’m right here in front of you, and I need you to talk to me, even if it hurts. Even if it feels like too much.” I hunched over, arms clasped in front of me as I pled. As I bled. “Fight with me, baby. Show me this matters to you. That we matter. That I do.”
He whipped back around, his eyes flashing through the downpour. “Goddammit, Sam! Of course you matter. I’ve been trying to keep you happy this whole time—that’s what this has all been about!”
I lurched forward until I stood only a foot from him. Then I pointed at his chest, pressing the tip of my finger into his soaked shirt like he’d just done to me. “Fuck that shit.”
His mouth fell open as he gasped. “Fine! If that’s what you fucking want, Sam, here it is. If I’m not perfect, you’ll leave!” he bellowed, making me take a step back. “That’s what everyone does! If I’m not the perfect boy, you’ll leave and find someone better! If I’m not better than everyone else, if I don’t give you everything you want, you’ll break up with me. Don’t you see? That’s what all men do. They leave. They . . .” His breath caught, and his next words were quiet. “They break my heart.”
“Oh, baby,” I started, stepping toward him. He tensed, so I stopped short of touching him. “Cameron, love, I’m not leaving.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “You say that for now.”
This time, I was shaking my head before he finished. “I say it for always. Cameron, I may have fallen in love with a version of you that only existed in my head, but now? I’ve fallen in love with therealyou. Every piece of you is perfect for me. Your imperfections make you human, baby, just like me. And I love you morebecauseof them.”
He blinked the rain out of his eyes, but I could see him processing my words. I could also see he wasn’t accepting them.
When he didn’t respond, I stretched out my hands between us. “How can I make you believe me?”
Water dripped down his face, and I wished more than anything that he’d let me pull him close, hold him until his every insecurity fell away.
But life didn’t work like that, and I sure as hell knew anxiety didn’t work like that, either.
