Page 9 of This Is Love
I get the feeling he’s trying to change the subject, so I let him. For the moment. “How am I supposed to sleep?” It’s a real question. Because I have a strong feeling what’s coming my way is a whole lot more than a few uncomfortable moments.
Dampening his lips, he shakes his head. “Forget I said it. That was a dumb thing to suggest.”
We’re quiet for a minute or two, each of us off in our own head. A sigh blows past my lips. “Logan? Thank you for being here. Are we—” I hesitate, swallowing hard. “Are we okay?” My eyes flick to his when he doesn’t immediately answer, and I grasp the edge of the sheet, worrying the material with myfingers. “I didn’t know after the way we left things—after you walked away angry—whether I should say something. I thought you needed space, but I let it go on for way too long.” Rubbing a hand over my face, I do my best to steel myself, prepare for him to be upset that I’ve brought it up and walk out all over again.
He lifts his gaze, ice-blue eyes assessing me. It feels like an eternity before his head finally bobs. “There’s a lot I could say. And there’ll be a better time for it soon, but”—he pauses to rake a hand through his unruly hair—“I really need you to know two things. First, I wish I had been more truthful with you, but I never lied. I didn’t know how you felt at all or maybe my head could have been yanked out of my ass earlier.”
“I could have told you. But I didn’t know how.” My tongue pokes out to dampen my lips. “What’s the second thing?”
“No matter what, you’re my friend. Please tell me I haven’t lost you,” he rasps, and I feel the punch of those words in my soul. Our gazes connect, and his blue eyes suck me right in, like they always have.
“You haven’t. But I was worried about the same.” A warmth spreads from my chest all the way to my fingers and toes. I’ve missed the way I feel when I’m with Logan. I take a few seconds to allow it to sink in, to bathe in the serenity that washes over me. “But everything has fallen apart. We haven’t been communicating well.” I let out an exasperated sigh. “It really hurts and… I’ve missed you. I feel like I’m messing everything up.”
“Hey, you’re not. You haven’t—I promise. We can get into it more when you aren’t already upset and feeling like shit. Okay?” He scoots closer, running the back of one finger down my cheek. A tear rolls from my eye and splashes against it. All at once, his arms are around me, and he’s pulling me into a tight embrace. I soak it in, realizing there’s no way to be certain how long it’ll last. Everything I thought I knew about us is wrong. Our relationshiphas skidded off the only tracks we’ve ever known. I’m terrified things won’t ever be the same again, no matter that he’s trying to reassure me now.
In the back of my head, I’m very aware there’s another guy in this hospital off getting coffee—someone else besides my best friend. Somebody who’s been here for me. Another person involved in this complicated mess I’ve made.
I shudder in Logan’s arms, quietly sniffling. Confusion mounts brick by brick in my already overloaded brain. I don’t have a clue how to handle any of this. The stress of it is a weight I’m incapable of managing alone, but I don’t know who to turn to for help.
“Don’t cry,” he breathes out, tightening his hold on me. “Nothing we’ve been through in the last few weeks matters more than the fact you’re okay.”
Swallowing hard, I nod, unable to speak. Logan’s soft, soothing voice has me ready to break all over again. I don’t deserve him.
My heart tears in two as I realize the truth. I might not deserveeitherof them.
5
JAXON
With two scalding-hotcups of coffee in my hands, I make my way back to the room they’ve got Rya resting in and aim a brief smile at the two nurses who have been helping her as I pass the counter of the nurses’ station. They’re looking over something on Charlie’s tablet. Jennifer, the older of the two, eyes me and nods, but Charlie juts her chin toward me. “If you’re heading back to Rya’s room, tell her we’ll get started in about five minutes. And to hang in there, we’ve got her.”
I clench my teeth, noting the look of slight apprehension on both faces. There’s no doubt in my mind that what they’re about to help Rya through will be difficult. I work my jaw to the side. As much as I fucking hate it for her, it’s important we know what happened. I hope at the end of the day, they can look back and feel like they made a difference. And I hope Rya finds the support and comfort she’ll need to make it through.
“Thanks, we appreciate that. I’ll let her know.”
“Hey?” Jennifer calls out. “I know it’s hard, but try not to worry. We’ll be with her. She’ll get through it, and then maybe we’ll have some answers.”
Fuck, I must look like I’m about to lose it. Nodding in acknowledgment, I don’t say anything more because what am I supposed to fucking say? There’s something wedged in my throat, and I don’t think it’s coming out anytime soon. I would stay with Rya if she asked, but I have a feeling, like the nurses assume, it’d be added stress to have us in there. She and I aren’t quite in the right place in our relationship for something like this. Hell, I don’t know if she’d even allow Logan to stay, no matter that I sense they’re repairing things between them. My jaw locks up hard, a muscle twitching manically on one side.
At the door to Rya’s room, I rap with the back of my knuckles, careful not to jostle the coffee in that hand too much. Then, since the door is ajar, I nudge it open. Logan is sitting on the bed, holding Rya against his chest, and strokes a hand over the back of her head. Something inside me clenches, biting at my insides. I beat it back. Now is not the time to act like a dick no matter what my mother just texted me. Fucking family gathering, my ass. I’m pissed, but plenty of time for that later.
A whimper from Rya snaps me back to the present, and I tamp down all the loathing and hostility I hold toward her best friend. My stepbrother and I have been through hell along with her tonight—and I’m not referring to the seven minutes in the closet, either. I can give him a reprieve for a little while. Until we know Rya is okay. Or at least until we’re alone.
Then, all bets are still fucking off, as far as I’m concerned.
There’d been a minute before we found Rya where I’d had some crazy notion that I should explain my actions, but Logan hadn’t wanted to hear it. Just as well. I’m glad I didn’t say a goddamn thing. And interestingly enough, he hadn’t wanted me to drive my car. So, I guess I’m doing something right. I’m burrowing my way under his skin. He won’t know which end is up by the time I’m done.
I refocus on Rya instead of Logan and count to three as I inhale a deep, calming breath. “Hey,” I say softly, now that I’ve got my wits about me again. “I got the coffee.” Crossing over to the side of the bed where the adjustable table is, I set the cups down. “They both have cream and sugar. Sorry, I didn’t know what you’d want.”
Logan shifts, turning his head. “Thanks. That’s fine.”
“The nurses said they’d be in soon.”
Rya makes a small sound of distress before easing away from Logan and nodding. Her eyes sparkle with tears. She’s fucking beautiful like that, but I doubt I’ll like why they’re there. It’s definitely either because of the upcoming testing or because me leaving gave her and Logan a chance at a little heart-to-heart.
“You all don’t have to stay for that. I’ll be okay.” She sweeps the pads of her fingers over her cheeks, brushing away a few rogue tears that escaped from her shining eyes.
I tip my head to the side. “Who you have with you is your choice, but there’s no way I’m leaving.” My eyes wander her puffy face. “Nope. No way.” I jerk a thumb at Logan. “Besides, you’re not going to get Logan to abandon you. He’s a little clingy.”
