Page 29 of This Is Love
Here we go. I work my jaw to the side, then clear my throat, sitting completely upright now. At the tremble of her lip, my brows crash together.Oh shit. Rubbing a hand over my face, I take a deep breath, pinning my gaze on her. “Did I freak you out? Like after everything that went down at Tri-Beta? Or even the shit from earlier today?” Gently, I reach out, tugging one of her hands from her face.
She dampens her lower lip, drawing in a breath as she shakes her head. “No, actually. I-I’m okay. I can’t remember what happened last night, so there’s no sense—in my mind, anyway—of making it into something if it wasn’t. To be perfectly honest, I’d prefer to move past it… the same way I don’t really want to dwell on what happened today, either. Maybe that’s dumb. I dunno.”
“It’s not.” I frown, surprised by her straightforward way of looking at the shit that’s been raining down on her since yesterday. Fuck, if I’m being real, it’s been longer than that. I don’t like it one bit, because it’s only been getting worse. “Okay. But you’ll say something if that changes? Or if I do something wrong?”
Rya nods, but her lip trembles before her eyes shift away from me, then crash shut. “I feel like I need my clothes on for this, because what I’m going to say will make me feel entirely too vulnerable—naked in a completely different way—and I don’tneed to add to that.” One corner of her mouth hitches into a small smile.
I chuckle, hoping to ease her mind. Reaching for her pajama pants, I hand them over, then wait as she slips them up her legs and on. With that done, she lets out a sigh, turning toward me and crisscrossing her legs.
I arch a brow. “Okay. Now what?”
“I need you to be honest with me. Can you do that?”
From under hooded eyes, I lock my gaze with hers. “Maybe.” I shrug. “Depends.”
Her lips twitch. “I think I’ll know if you’re lying, anyway.”
“Okay,” I acknowledge, not sure what to make of that, but almost certain she’s right. “What’s on your mind, pretty girl?”
“First, before we get into some of this, I want to reiterate that I’m glad your mom is being cared for. Hopefully, she’ll be back to herself soon.”
The weight of that very thing, though, threatens to take me out. We can’t afford more hospitalizations. It’s a punch to the gut, realizing I’m going to have to figure that out… or ask Dad for help. And he won’t fucking do that. Not without me begging, which I won’t do. Nodding, I draw in a breath, feeling the urge to share this broken piece of myself with this girl, but not quite knowing how to make her understand. I murmur, “Thank you. She’ll be fine. It’s scary for me when shit happens and I’m not around. Sometimes she never says anything, and I find out after the fact—especially when I’m away at school.” The idea that I might have to move back home, quit the baseball teamandmy dream to play pro, guts me. But I’ll do it if it comes to that. All those thoughts rampage through my head while Rya patiently waits me out. “Worse, sometimes she does this shit to herself because of the circumstances she’s found herself in.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Wrenching the words from where I keep them tucked deep inside, I murmur, “She’s a sad woman, Rya. Drinks too much. Paired with her other health issues? It’s not good for her, and everything ends up going to hell. Not to mention, we don’t have the goddamn money for her to be drinking it away.” My jaw snaps shut for a second before I’m able to finish. “Is that enough of an explanation for now?”
“It is.” She blinks. “I think I get it.”
Thank fuck I don’t see pity there, only understanding, or I might go off the deep end. “Okay. What else?”
“Well”—she sucks in air through clenched teeth, bringing a few fingers to the delicate skin under one eye and wiping a rogue tear away—“the way you dislike Logan so much really bothers me.” Wiping her palms on her thighs, she gives me a tight smile. “I wish it wasn’t like that between you, but I’m also confused.” She pauses, her eyes piercing right into my soul, searching out my truth. I wish I knew exactly what to say. But I’m at a loss. She winces. “You know what I mean. He helped you today. And you let him take your car so he could helpme. Things are going fine, then you do this weird one-eighty and everything goes haywire.” She wrings her hands together. “Maybe it’s dumb, but I thought I could help.” When I don’t say a word, she rushes on. “I know Logan better than anyone. He doesn’t have it in him to be unkind for no reason at all. Whatever is going on really upsets him. But he’s also not a pushover, so he’s not just going to stand by and let you use him as a punching bag. I kinda hate that the two of you are in such a bad place. And I don’t getwhy.”
“Was there a question in there?” I squint at her, my palms growing clammy. “Because I didn’t hear one.”
“Come on, Jaxon. It’s me.” The plea in her eyes just about does me in.
My heart thunders as I search for the words I need. “Can you come here?” I hold my arms out, becoming strangely choked up when she understands exactly what I need.
She climbs onto my lap and tucks her head under my chin. And then, she simply waits, one arm around my back and a hand resting on my shuddering chest. “It’s okay, Jaxon. I promise.”
And, like I’m having to scrape and claw each word from my chest, I raggedly whisper, “I’m afraid if I tell you certain things, I won’t be able to handle your reaction. You’re going to walk out of here and never speak to me again.”
The tremor that runs through her should terrify me, but it doesn’t, especially when it’s immediately followed by her quiet, “Try me?”
“I’ll just say this—” I try to breathe and find myself gasping for air instead. It takes a moment before I’m able to share the thoughts that’ve been in my head for two years now. “He took over my life. His mother showed up and ruined my family. I don’t know how to forgive it. Don’t know that he or his mother deserve to be let off the hook for what they’ve done.”
“But Jaxon… then please explain what you’re doing with him. With me.”
“I—” My eyes slam shut as if it will help me close off my heart to what’s happening. “It started as revenge, and now… I don’t know. I still get so angry.” I let out a heavy breath, turning my face into her hair. “I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. Everything is so twisted up inside me. It’s like a disease. A sickness. And I don’t know if I’ll ever pull free of it.”
She swallows, then edges back, peering up at me. “I’m worried, Jaxon. I think what your gut is telling you might be the truth. And maybe you should let your heart lead the way.”
The muscle she’s referring to jerks in my chest. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“And how do you feel about Logan?” At my swift intake of breath, she tilts her head so she can kiss my jawline. “I want you to think about what I saw earlier. Is fucking around with him truly some sort of twisted vengeance? Or is that what you’re telling yourself because it feels good and that scares you?” She’s gazing up at me, and while I can’t actually see the beautiful green of her eyes in the dim room, I know how they must look, shining at me with concern and… I think it must be hope.
My voice comes out rough. “I’m not sure.”
