Page 52 of This Is War: All's Fair Duet
My declaration is met by utter silence. Deep breaths.
Logan’s hands drop from me, and he looks down at his chest where my fist clenches tightly. “What?” he questions softly, his tone full of an ache that makes me want to cry.
I pull my hand back, wringing both of them in front of me because they’re shaking. “I don’t regret the other night. Us. Because it was something I’ve wanted for so long… and I was too scared to tell you because—” I draw in an agonized breath because the pain in his eyes is tearing me up. “I’m really confused about how you feel about me.”
“I thought I was pretty clear about that, Rya. I meant every word and every touch.” His brows draw sharply together. “I don’t understand where this is coming from.”
Swallowing convulsively, I blink up at this guy I’ve spent over a year pining for. The hurt and confusion in his eyes is enough to take me out. My next words scrape painfully up my throat. “You’ve thrown this curveball at me. I-I thought you weregayall this time that you’ve supposedly been my best friend. How did I not know? How could you not tell me? It’s not even the only thing you’ve kept from me, Logan.”
“I’m not.” His tone is flat as he stares off somewhere over my shoulder, and he doesn’t answer any of my questions or acknowledge that he never told me about Jaxon.
“I don’t understand.” The tension between us is thick. Unbearable. Finally, I summon the courage to ask him something I’ve wondered about for a while. “Did you know I saw you with a guy at a party back in high school?” I tip my head to the side as I chew on my lip and watch the way shutters fall behind his eyes.
He clears his throat. “No, I didn’t. I’m bisexual. I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I wasn’t sure what you’d think. I didn’t want to ruin?—”
I blink rapidly, holding up a hand. “It really hurts that you never said something about it.” One hand flies to my chest, and I claw at my aching heart. “But now that I know, it might be worse. It was easier thinking I couldn’t have you because I wasn’t what you needed.” Breathing becomes more and more difficult, and tears fill my eyes, spilling over. “And maybe I’m not what you need. Or you’re still figuring things out. Logan, you’re everything I’ve wanted for so long.” My chest jerks, but I force myself to keep going. “How am I supposed to feel when I know you hid this from me? I don’t understand.” I shake my head slowly. Why would he never have said something, except that maybe he simply didn’t like me like that. And that just feeds into my biggest worry—that he’s using me to get to Jaxon. My head pounds, and my eyes slam shut. “Why didn’t you want me?” I whisper, my heart beating itself up with every truth I spill.
“I didn’t want toloseyou.”
I open my eyes to find him staring woodenly at me with his jaw tightly clenched. It’s now or never. I need to get this last bit out, then I can figure out the rest later. “I’ve felt at times like… you’re using me to aggravate Jaxon.”
“What does Jaxon have to do with this?” he bites out.But when I study him, I know he has an idea of what I’m referring to already. And it’s clear he doesn’t want to admit it.
“I don’t enjoy being caught in the middle. I love you, Logan, but for the sake of my heart, my sanity… I just can’t with you right now. If that’s why you finally gave in and were with me… it’s upsetting.”
Logan’s gaze travels my face for a moment before his eyes crash shut. He’s forcing air in and out through his nose, and to me, the truth seems crystal clear. Tipping his chin toward me, he takes a deep breath. “What do you see in him, Rya? Tell me that.”
I wet my lips, realizing my Logan is gone. My lips tremble as I murmur, “It’s just easy with him.” More tears seep from the corners of my eyes. “Logan, I need to ask you something. It never would’ve occurred to me but—” I hesitate, unsure whether it’d help or hurt to mention Hazel was the one to bring this awful possibility to my attention. Exhaling harshly, I continue, “I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m so lost right now. So, I’m going to ask because the strain of not knowing is going to break me.” My heart squeezes painfully. “Were you the one who messed up my room?”
He jerks as if I’ve slapped him. “Why would you ask me that?” he grinds out.
Uncomfortable for maybe the very first time in hispresence, I rub my sweaty hands over my hips. “I’m wondering if you didn’t like me talking to Jaxon… and maybe you thought I’d come running to you.” I swallow hard. “And I did.”
His chest inflates raggedly as he eyes me. His gaze is wounded. “If that’s what you think, then maybe you deserve him.” He doesn’t deny a word that I’ve said, instead calmly slipping past to leave me standing awkwardly in his room. A piece of my battered and bruised heart chases after him… but I can’t bear to follow.
28
JAXON
My head isa terrifying place to live sometimes. Last night… I don’t know how to explain to myself, much less anyone else, what’d transpired in the hotel room between Logan and me. I swallow as a fresh wave of heat rolls through me, despite the blustery winter winds that are whipping today.
That’s not me. That’s not who I am. My jaw twitches hard as I walk, a symphony of grunts and moans replaying in my head. Hot skin. Sweat. Fucking fire.
It’d been so fucking wrong. That’s what I have to keep telling myself, or I will dive off a cliff of confusion and self-flagellation. I pull my ice-cold hands out of my pockets. My gloves are back in my room, and I’m glad for my forgetfulness today as I rub my face, hoping to diminish the heat in my cheeks. Attacking Logan like that… was it topunish him? Or—? My head refuses to consider the alternative.No.Yet ever since the shower stall incident, things have been going completely haywire in my head. So. Fucking. Annoying.
Anyway, I can’t think about it right now, so I wrench my thoughts away from Logan to focus on Rya. I sent her a text that the team had returned to campus, and in response, she’d sent me these cryptic beauties:
Glad to hear it.
I can still meet…
But can we push it back?
I just need some time.
Meet you on the quad at 5:30?
No idea what she meant by needing time, but odds are good I might be able to get her to expand on it when I see her. It’s worth a shot, anyway. It could be she was simply running late coming out of her dance class. I blink, what I’d seen of her body on the video call screaming into my brain. Soft skin. Small, pert breasts with rosy nipples. A slight flare to her hips. And a belly button I’d like to stick my tongue into. Blood rushes from my head and all other extremities and centers in my dick. It goes completely stiff behind my jeans in two seconds flat, making me groan. Agood deal of my thoughts are still hanging out with the memories of Logan’s naked body under mine, and the other half are wishing Rya had been within my reach. If she had been… fuck. I think I’d have made my play. Instead, I pounced on my stepbrother. What the fuck is wrong with me?
