Page 30 of Duke
In my peripheral vision, Duke shakes his head, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach, wondering what he’s thinking, hoping this doesn’t royally fuck up our friendship. Finally, he sighs and turns his head, his gaze connecting with mine. “I really wish you would have said something. I didn’t have a fucking clue any of this was going on. Makes me feel like a shit friend.”
I throw up one hand, and immediately clench my teeth at the pull in the opposite shoulder. “Don’t think like that. Please. You were both having issues of your own. I didn’t want to add to everyone else’s problems by being the friend who couldn’t get his shit under control. It was right around the time your parents were at each other’s throats over that lake house they hadn’t managed to sell after the divorce. Remember? And Mason, there was something going on with your dad at the prison. Don’t remember exactly what.”
Mason scoffs, “Could’ve been anything, knowing him. Running his very own empire from inside the slammer.”
“Anyway, I just. I dunno. I was dealing with it on my own and didn’t want to drag either of you into it.” My hands shake, and I cover my face with them.
Lennon must have scooted forward from her perch on the coffee table because her hands are on my thighs, warm and sure. “Bear, this wasn’t your fault. This is all on your dad. You know that, right? Somewhere out there, a medical professional with no conscience was willing to do your dad a filthy favor. Makes me wonder what kind of stuff he’s involved with that he has these kinds of connections.”
I press my lips together, my head spinning with everything I haven’t even gotten a chance to say yet. Because I’ll be damned if I don’t get all of this out in the open now. I pull my hands away from my face and lock eyes on her. “Yeah, but I was the one who let my own personal situation get bad. It got to the point where every moment of every day was spent counting down the hours until I could dose myself, waiting anxiously until I could get my hands on more oxy, obsessing over how many pills I had left at any given moment, and how I could possibly ask my dad to get more.” I shake my head. “It was a damn double-edged sword. I knew what it was doing to me but wasn’t able to live without it.” I hang my head, humiliation moving swiftly through me. “Nothing shows you exactly where you draw your line in the ethical and moral sand like being in the grips of an active narcotic addiction. When it got to the point where I considered slamming my hand in a car door to get a new prescription, I knew it needed to stop.” I exhale, looking at the floor between my feet, and wait for them to express their disgust with my behavior.At least they’ll see me for who I really am now.
“Gideon. I know what you’re probably thinking—”
I interrupt Lennon, my voice low and raw and hitching on each word. “I’m weak. A disappointment. Not worthy.”
“No,” Lennon whispers. “I’m so motherfucking proud that you were able to handle it on your own that first time. Kicking an addiction is so damn hard.”
Duke clears his throat. “You’ve had a setback. But this time, you won’t be going through it alone.”
“No fucking way we’ll let you down, Bear. You’re always there for the rest of us. Let us fucking help you however we can.”
“How did you break free of that cycle the first time?” Lennon squeezes my thighs, encouraging me to continue.
Thinking back to those days, I shudder. I didn’t let myself depend on anyone. “It was a nightmare. Withdrawal and trying to hide the aches and pains, muscle spasms and tension, stomach issues, insomnia. I just generally felt like shit. And I fuckin’ hid it all.” I bring my hand up over my heart. “The pounding, racing heart was the worst. Like it was going to explode.” I give them a weak smile. “Kinda like this morning.”
“But you got off it then.” Mason cocks his head to the side. “Because you’ve been fine the last few years, right?”
“Yeah. But it took me a long fucking time.” My stomach pitches at the memory of what a shitty process that’d been.
Lennon murmurs, “Doesn’t matter. You did it. But that wasn’t the end of the trouble. I see that now.”
I nod. “Right after I got clean, my dad opened up the warehouse for illegal fights. The latest in his dirty business ventures.” Meeting Duke’s gaze and then Mason’s, I grit my teeth. “I’m sure you remember how exciting it was at first. The screaming of the crowd, the thrill of a victory…” I let my gaze swing to Lennon. “But it wasn’t long before I became worried about my coach catching wind of what I was participating in.”
Mason’s eyes close, and he exhales harshly. “And we knew you were nervous about it.” His eyes flick to Duke’s briefly before coming back to mine. “But we didn’t want to be the asshole friends who told you what to do.”
I let out a beleaguered sigh. “Yeah. For the record, I wish I’d stood up to him before this. Thank you for having my back through all of it. We all knew it was only a matter of time before my involvement blew up in my face.” He slowly shakes his head. “We’ve finally arrived at the point where the bombs are primed to go off. My loss tonight is just the beginning.”
Lennon gets a funny look on her face. “Your dad—do you think he’d make good on those threats? To tell the team doctor or—”
Without a doubt in my mind, the answer is yes. “Tonight’s threats were just a reminder of how he can still control me. It’s how he’s kept me fighting for him. The very first time I questioned whether I should be in the ring, he threatened to let my drug test come back dirty with a controlled substance that I obviously hadn’t been prescribed by the team doctor. Andthatwas after I was fucking clean. He didn’t care. And if you take nothing else away from this—he’s a powerful man. I knew he’d find a way to do it.”
Lennon lets out a slow hiss of air from between pursed lips. “And you were off any controlled substances until you tweaked your shoulder again.”
I nod. “Yes. So now, it’s more of the same, only he knows I’m on the oxy because I fucking asked him for more like an idiot. With me actually using the drug, the threat is even more real. I took it at the risk of losing everything. It’s fuckin’ terrifying. Worst decision I’ve made. I was only thinking of myself. Not my team.”
“What do you mean?” Lennon peers up at me, genuinely perplexed.
Duke lets out a frustrated groan. “Right. Because if you get caught, the entire team gets called into question.” He throws up his hands. “Who else has drugs in their system? Are they performance enhancing? Is the team doctor supplying them? Is the coach aware one or more of his players is taking a controlled substance?”
My jaw locks and my gaze bounces from Duke to Lennon and Mason, watching as the understanding dawns on their faces. I can’t believe I let this happen again. It’s a fucking shit thing to have done. “Not only that, but every single game, every win, every championship… it all comes under scrutiny. It’s questioned. And then, the greatness of our team, all the accolades we’ve earned… it could all be swept away with the surfacing of one single tainted blood or urine test. So, not only doIlose everything—my future, all my plans—but it’s possible the rest of my teammates lose out, too. All because I’ve been a fucking idiot. I made a mistake. A big one. I should have just told Doc Middendorf and Coach Cambridge I was injured. Never should have gone back to the oxy. Never should have told my dad I needed more and gotten wedged farther under his manipulative fucking thumb.” I collapse backward into the couch cushion, overwhelming frustration seeping from every pore of my body.
Lennon looks up with a furrowed brow from where she’s settled on her knees in front of me. “I don’t get it, though… Why did he withhold the oxy for this fight when it was so damn important to him? Seems counterproductive in the worst, most destructive way. He let you lose.”
I grimace. I hadn’t wanted to bring this up, especially not in front of Mason. My eyes flick to his, an apology there before I begin. I sigh, knowing I can’t keep withholding information. “So… the night of the auction—after we couldn’t find you, Lennon, and before the two of you joined me and Hunter at the front of the house—he made it very clear that we had fucked up whatever fucking plan the OGs had in mind. And that fucker told me he had a package from my dad, but he’d been instructed to keep it from me.”
Mason’s eyes crash shut. “My brother is a fucking arrogant asswipe, incapable of doing anything but dancing for them like a puppet. Sorry, man.”
My lips twist. “You aren’t to blame. I’m not one hundred percent sure Hunter even knew what it was or why I needed it. Fucking jerk thinks he’s the man, but all he’s doing is their dirty work. They definitely don’t completely trust him, though. The way he flipped out on us about supposedly messing up?”
