Page 53 of Bear
She pulls the lollipop from her mouth and looks over her shoulder. An immediate smile lifts the corners of her lips, and she yanks one earbud out. “Hey, Mase.” Her eyes light up.
My heart drops into my stomach. How can she still look at me the way she does when she’s learning more and more about how awful my life growing up had been? I hadn’t missed the look on her face when she found out my father is in prison for murdering my mother. It makes me sick to think about it. Because I know the truth. I ran at them. She fell. I will never forget the sound she made when she hit the stone patio. I caused that.
It wasn’t your fault, Mason. You know it.
But do I?Theytold me all my life it was my fault. My brain twists painfully as I attempt to maintain control.
“Hey. What’s going on?” Lennon has risen to her knees on the bed and watches me, a soft but cautious look in her eyes.
I battle back my disturbing thoughts and cross the room. I hold out my hand to her but realize belatedly that my fingers are covered in black charcoal, as is much of my bare torso. I wince ever so slightly, hoping it’s not a deal breaker. “Come with me?” I murmur, my voice raspy and unsure. I haven’t spoken in days.
To my surprise, she doesn’t say a word about my request or the charcoal and climbs from the bed. She steps close and puts her hand in mine, curiosity spreading over her features. “Yeah?”
I nod. “Yeah.” I clasp her hand tightly, so she doesn’t have a chance to change her mind. To my surprise, though, she doesn’t show any signs of misgivings, even when I pull her into the hall and take a right, immediately heading up the attic stairs with her. None of her visits up here have ended particularly well, but there’s a first time for everything. I want to show her that I trust her enough to have her up here. The question is can she ever reciprocate that trust again. At the top of the stairs, I stop. When I went downstairs, I just knew it was time—I needed her. But now I don’t know how toshowher.
“What are we doing here?” Her inquisitive gaze meets mine. She gives me a hesitant smile.
“Are you scared to be up here with me?” I grit out in response to her uncertainty.
Her head rears back as she looks me boldly in the eye. “Ineverhave been. What’s happened up here between us has been unexpected. Maybe a little nerve-racking.” She shrugs. “But you invited me up here this time, so…” I draw in a deep breath. Softly, she murmurs, “I can go if you’ve changed your mind, but—”
My eyes flick to hers. “But?”
“But I’d like to see what you’ve been up to. I knew I shouldn’t bother you, but I’ve missed you a lot. I-I didn’t know how badly you were struggling. Was it the talk about your mom? Or something else?”
I rub my hand over my heart and nod. “Some days I can talk about it and others I can’t. I think I was on overload. It was too much, and my head got all jammed up in the memories.” I press my lips tightly together. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I know everyone was trying to help. Too much talk of it, though, and—”
She tugs on my hand, and I step close to her. Her arms wrap tightly around my middle as my chest jerks with emotion. “It’s okay, Mase. You don’t have to talk about it right now.”
Her eyes travel the room, first landing on the jumbled-up mess from when I lost it the other day. I exhale hard. “I needed room for more recent stuff.”
She only nods, then lets me go and turns in a full circle. She takes in everything in this curious way she has. “You’ve been busy.”
“I needed some time to think. This is how I do that.”
“I get it.” She moves closer to several drawings that I hadn’t intended for her to see. She points at them. “These are stunning.” Her eyes flick back to them as she moves closer to study them.
I don’t know how she can say that, as they’re on ripped-up paper and mostly incomplete.
“Does he know you’ve been drawing him?”
Taking in a deep breath, I shake my head, then focus on the charcoal on my hands.
“If only Duke knew how you see him.” When I look up, her lip is clenched between her teeth, and she gives me a little shrug. “It’s beautiful, the way you feel about him. He’ll come around.”
My ears grow hot the longer she looks at the images. I don’t even know why I’d drawn them, except… he’d been on my mind. A lot. “Yeah. Maybe. Maybe not.” I shrug my shoulders as if it’s no big deal, and another ghost of a smile appears on her face.
“Why am I up here, Mason?”
I scrub my hands through my hair, knowing I’m a black-stained mess. “I was hoping you’d sit for me.”
One perfect brow quirks up. “Seriously?”
I lift my hands in a placating gesture in front of me. “I promise I won’t do to you what I did last time. Won’t even touch you. Not if you don’t want me to.”
She wrinkles her nose, glancing around at my space, and I find it doesn’t even make me panic to have her here. I wonder if she feels the same or if she’s looking around and seeing all the places I’ve hurt her. Degraded her. Threatened her.
My heart picks up speed, and my breathing matches its rapid rhythm.
