Page 1 of Bear
ONE
MASON
Vivid blue eyesfull of naked fear stare at me. I blink.Fuck.Lennon needs to stay so very fucking far away from me. I can’t appropriately handle the guilty what-ifs that creep through my mind. They’ll drive me insane if I dwell on them because I can’t exactly control when my brain decides to hiccup and confuse me. I know I become irrational, unfocused, and unable to distinguish dreams from reality. I’m aware of my issues, and I don’t foresee anything changing the way my twisted-up mind comprehends things.
What ifI’m truly tangled up in the past and Ihurther?
My eyes drift to the side, scanning the assorted sketches plastered all over the attic—proof that my head is a very dangerous place, most especially for Lennon. What if I flip the fuck out on her like I did that day on the balcony, and no one is around to stop me? How far would I go? Would I push her over? Would I even realize what I was doing?
I swallow hard, blinking some more. My gaze reconnects with hers. Wild panic fills her eyes.Fuck.
Like a lightning bolt has cleaved us in two, I release my vice grip on Lennon’s neck and stumble backward, my head a confusing fucking mess. Dragging in great lungfuls of air, I give myself a shake before surveying the damage I’ve inflicted on Lennon.
She’s collapsed onto the floor in front of the railing I had her pressed up against, the clothes she’d been clutching to her before I’d gone after her, scattered at her feet. Her face is a splotchy red and pink, cheeks wet. She’s shaking badly and gasping, each breath she takes labored.
Agony roars through my body as my eyes crash shut. I hate myself. I fuckinghatemyself. I drop to my knees, clutching my head between my hands. I shake my head as the pain from what I’ve done to her seeps from every pore.
Her lip wobbles as she stares at me. “W-what the fuck are you talking about?” she chokes out, her voice raw. I did that. I squeezed the fuck out of the slender column of her neck with my bare hand. I just wanted to make sure she understood how dangerous I can be. My chest fills with an agonizing ache, terrified of the havoc I could wreak on people I care for.
Lennon was beginning to sneak past my defenses. I was beginning to feel something for her.
Now you’ll be next—that’s what I said to her. Deep inside my twisted heart, I believe it to be true if she and I continue down this path. My chest heaves, and I look blankly at her. I can’t allow this girl to think she can somehow fix this. Fix me. I can’t let her get any closer, no matter what. I will cause her unimaginable pain. I mightdestroyher.
But fuck, Iwanther. And I know I’m being foolish thinking I can break the connection between us so easily. I wish I could give her my heart. I’d rip it out of my goddamn chest and hand it to her if I thought there was a way, if I thought it’d be enough for her. That way I could keep my distance.
My eyes flick around the attic, once again taking in all the emotional damage on display. How is she not running scared? I force out a sick laugh, glancing at her. I can’t give her more than a cursory look or I’ll beg her to forgive me. I’ll want to touch her. Hold her.
I wet my lips, infusing a coldness to my tone as I snarl, “What am I talking about? You wanted to know so fucking bad what was in my head, why I am the way I am. Well, now you fucking know, don’t you? You know exactly how sick I really am, what I’ve done.” A vision of my mother tumbling over that balcony rail skitters through my brain as it does so often. I see it in slow motion. My hands on her, her scream as she tipped over the edge. Her descent and the finality of her impact on the stone below.
I choke back vomit. I can’t get it out of my head, and it’s fucking torture. I rake my teeth over my lip as I watch Lennon struggle to draw a breath, misery flowing from her eyes. Shaking fingers stroke up and down the skin of her throat, assessing the damage.
She said she wanted all of me. I don’t have it in me to believe her. To hope.
“M-Mason.” She shakes her head, lip trembling. “You can push me away, but I still see you.”
My jaw hardens, and I arch my brow. “I think you like the idea of it. How many times do I have to put my hand around your throat before you recognize there’s something really wrong with me?”
She stares at me, all traces of emotion leaving her face. Softly, but with menacing conviction, she murmurs, “If you think you’re the first person to put their hands on me like that, you’re wrong. You don’t fucking scare me at all. I told you—Iseeyou.” Her words are like a cannonball, plowing a hole straight through my chest. “But if that’s how you feel, I’ll believe you.” Exhibiting frustration with every swipe of errant tears from her cheeks, she heaves out, “I’ll fucking go.” Before I can say a word, she’s on her feet, clothing left behind. She races down the stairs, her footfalls thundering in my ears.
“The fuck!” My heart clangs around behind my rib cage. I shoot to my feet, following. “Lennon!”
She glances over her shoulder as she gets to the bottom of the steps and throws open the door. “Leave me the fuck alone, Mase,” she grits out, like her words are being dragged over gravel.
Goddammit, what did she mean I’m not the first? I catch her as she’s shutting her door, slamming my hand into it, then reach in and take a firm grip of her forearm. My chest heaves as I back her into the room. “Lennon, what the fuck?” My mind takes a sick spin, trying to make sense of what she said, and my gut—fuck, it’s telling me something I don’t want to believe. I grip her upper arms, any composure I had beginning to slip. The air rips from my lungs like razors scraping along my throat. I shake my head, my lips pressing together in disbelief.“No.”But it’s there in her eyes. The truth. And from the angry look in her eyes, I’m unsure if she intended to tell me at all. Or maybe she simply regrets she did now that she has my reaction.
This girl… she’s more damaged than I’d assumed, and everything I’ve fucking done to her— Tension stretches across my shoulders, and my jaw hardens as my eyes flick over her features, checking to see if there is any sign that I’m imagining things.Fuck.My brain spirals. Forget the nightmares she has while sleeping, I’ve—
Oh god.What have I done?
“Mason!” Her panicked voice snaps me back to her blazing eyes as she desperately attempts to tear away from me, but to no avail. “I said leave me alone,” she gasps. “Let me fucking go!” She renews her efforts, but I can’t seem to loosen my hold. Each breath I take hurts like the fire of a thousand hells, spreading through my chest. A low wail escapes her, verging on a sob. My jaw clenches as I stare into tear-soaked eyes. “Why won’t you let me go?” Anguish slides over her face. She draws in a sobbing breath before she shrieks, “Get your hands off me!” Heart-wrenching sobs burst from her lips, her entire body shaking. “Let me go.” Her chest heaves. “Just let mego.”
“Tell. Me,” I grit out, the need to know a live beast within me, roaring. I can’t sever the connection between us. I’m incapable of letting her go, can’t do it until she explains herself.
“Thefuck’sgoing on?” Duke shouts from behind me. His hand comes down on my shoulder, trying to pry me away. There’s no hesitation from him, despite the fact Lennon and I are both completely naked. I ignore him, even as his fingers bite into my arm.
Lennon’s response to Duke’s arrival is a raspy cry, betraying what I’ve done to her. “H-he won’t let me g-go.”
Duke turns to me, gritting out, “Stop, Mason. Whatever’s going on. Think about what you’re doing. This isn’t helping anything.” His blue eyes bore into mine, as if… as if he’s desperately trying to find me inside this hollowed-out shell of a person I’ve become.
