Page 42 of Beautiful Nightmare
Star glowers at me. “What’s going on? What are you doing—?” She throws out her arms, then gestures to the shaking girl next to me. I see the path her eyes have traveled, from my jersey to the mottled skin on her neck. Before she says it, I see Star jump to the wrong conclusion. “Did youhurther?”
Clearly, Lux didn’t share anything about this development in our relationship with her suitemates because they both seem surprised.
Raven’s voice is calmer. “Hawk, I don’t know what happened, but maybe you should wait in the suite? Seems like Lux needs a minute.”
I draw in several strangled breaths before I stand. My eyes connect with Lux’s teary gray ones. In a low voice meant only for her, I murmur, “I’d never hurt you. I promise. Never again.”
Out in the suite, I sit on their purple couch with my head in my hands, frustrated and trying to work through what’s transpired. It wasn’t long ago that I was making Lux come on my face. I felt that undeniable connection we have. The chemistry. The pull between us. And I know she felt it, too, but I’m terrified this nightmare may be my fault. If I did something wrong, she didn’t let on that she was upset. I asked her several times if she was okay. I told her we could stop. And now I’m stuck out here instead of in there with her. I can faintly hear the whispered discussion among the three of them. Star’s righteous flares of anger are tempered by Raven’s cool-headed responses.
This is bullshit.I want to be the one in there comforting her. I want to be the one she depends on. I grit my teeth. Listening to her break down with Raven and Star is killing me. It’s as if something is in my chest, pulling chunks of my heart out.
All I’d wanted to do was comfort her. Soothe her. Brush the hair from her face. Kiss her forehead. Hold her in my arms so that she could sleep.
Confusion and worry that I’ve had the story wrong all this time have zipped along the periphery of my mind ever since the first day she let me touch her in her bedroom. She isn’t what I was told she was. She isn’t a slut, and she isn’t a liar. I’m fairly certain she’s not crazy. And as of a few hours ago, she’d definitely been a virgin.
What I witnessed just now, what she said in the throes of her nightmare—there’s no way in hell that had to do with me or anything I’ve done since we’ve been at Shadow River together. But even so, as much as I hate to admit it, I fear I’m the trigger. Her panicked cries had been downright heart-wrenching…
Piece by agonizing piece, things begin to fit together in my head. I stare down at my hands, wondering if the scenario I’m coming up with is actually the truth. In my gut, I know I’m getting closer to figuring things out. There’s a reason her reaction to me has been so visceral from the very start. Something catastrophic had to have happened between them.
Because it’s not me she’s scared of. It’s Landon. My dead twin brother.
TWENTY-THREE
LUX
Waking up Saturday morning, I’m horribly groggy. As soon as Hawk left my room, I stumbled into the bathroom under the watchful eyes of Raven and Star and took my meds. I haven’t felt this overwhelmed and uncertain, panicked and confused, in a long, long time. My chest was tight, like it was caught in an iron vise, making it hard to breathe.
The girls wanted to know what set me off… only I didn’t know if I should share. I’m sure they suspect something, though, from the bruising on my neck. From the fact that I was wearing his jersey.
The trauma I suffered at Hawk’s hands so long ago is always at the root of all my panic attacks and nightmares. And, oh God… I had sex with him. I’d known we were heading in that direction. I don’t know how to explain it, except in my heart, he’s simplynotthe same boy who hurt me back then. And I know that’s probably way too fucked up for anyone else to understand. But the Hawk here at this school is nothing like the one who touched me so carelessly, so aggressively, the one who was in the process of forcing himself on me when I managed to knee him.
So, could it be that staring into his face as he’d whispered all those dirty words to me had somehow set me off? Maybe. But I think it was actually something he’d said yesterday as I was about to fall asleep in his arms that wormed its way into my brain and infected my dreams, though.Baby girl.When he used that term of endearment yesterday, I hadn’t realized how much it would affect me. That’s what he’d called me when he was trying to get into my panties prom night… and also in those final moments before he purposefully drove his car into a tree to silence me.
He’d been here when I woke up from the nightmare, watching me. And then he tried to touch me, and I struck out, slapping at his hands. I just couldn’t. In my panicked state, I found it very difficult to reconcile the boy who’d hurt me with the man who was trying to help me through it.
And thinking back, the look in his eyes… I truly believe he meant me no harm. In fact, he was so sweet to me afterward, it had boggled my mind a little. But I’m afraid a few unintentionally careless words had been enough to manifest a horrible nightmare.
My head and heart are so torn. When the girls suggested it would be better for me if he left last night, I saw the devastation in his eyes. It was like a raw, open wound, festering between us. And I wonder if he’s feeling like his sanity is fraying like I feel mine is. I’m coming apart at the seams. If we’re going to have any chance at all, I need to talk to him.
At about ten, I pad across the hall to the other suite and knock, hoping to do something about this situation. I’m falling for the guy who haunts my nightmares. My hands tremble at that admission. It makes no fucking sense.
Maddox opens the door and waves me in with a scowl and backs away as if he doesn’t want any part of whatever I’m here for.
“Yo, Madman, whaddaya want to do today?” Kellan calls from his room. “I saw the note from Hawk.” He exits his room, his focus on whatever is on the canvas in his hands. He stops dead when he sees me awkwardly standing there. His eyes flick to Maddox’s. “What’s going on?”
Note from Hawk?
Crossing his arms in front of him, Maddox practically growls, giving me a skeptical look. “I don’t know. Ask her. She’s the reason he took off, isn’t she?”
I blink, not understanding. My gaze shifts back to Kellan. I lift my shoulders almost to my ears before dropping them. “He left a note?”
Uncomfortable now, Kellan nods, rubbing one hand over his jaw. “Yeah.” He clears his throat. “He went home for the weekend. Last-minute decision.”
I wet my lips, trying hard to take careful, calming breaths. It doesn’t work. Tears prick the backs of my eyes. I don’t want to cry, but I can’t stop the first rogue tear from falling. I lift one hand to swipe it away.
Maddox groans, gripping the back of his neck. “Shit. I’m no good with tears.”
I roll my eyes and look to Kellan for my answers. “I don’t understand. Why did he go home?”
