Page 35 of Beautiful Nightmare
Another day goes by, and I still haven’t gotten over the fact that Hawk actually uttered those words to me.I’m sorry.I heave out a sigh. He hasn’t made any attempt to speak to me since the bathroom apology. We’d stewed in silence for the entire hour of bio yesterday morning, and back at the dorm, he’s been dodging me, making sure we aren’t coming or going at the same time. He hasn’t so much as poked his head in our suite. And I definitely haven’t gotten the sense he’s been in my room—usually Iknow.It’s like he’s backed off, finally letting me be after all these days of mental torment. But why? And why is the fact that he’s not coming after me making me even more anxious than when he was?
Hawk has me spinning with everything he said to me, and it’s stuck in my head on repeat. For the first time, I think I saw that he’s as uncertain about whatever this is between us as I am. Not only that—it bothers him. That’s what I saw in his eyes. Apology with a hint ofwhat the hell are we doing.
Raven and Star left a little while ago for the dining hall. I fibbed and told them I had a headache. I don’t. All I have isheartache and confusion. I don’t know what I’m doing, standing outside Hawk’s suite with my hand raised, as if to knock, but frozen in place.
Just my luck, the door pops open. Kellan and Maddox are mid-conversation, but they stop before barreling into me, then eye me carefully. Maddox looks at Kellan and shakes his head. Kellan sighs. I guess he realizes whatever exchange we have is up to him, as Maddox’s lips are clamped shut. He’s in one of his moods again. I don’t know what his issue is. He’s odd.
“What’s up, Lux?” Kellan scrubs a hand over his jaw.
I draw in a breath. “Hawk isn’t here, I take it?”
“Nope. Still at practice. He said something about Coach needing to talk to him, so that doesn’t put him on his way back until probably six thirty or seven, depending. That’s why we don’t wait on him before we head to dinner most weeknights. It’s always something.” He awkwardly searches my features. “Is there, um, something we can help you with?”
Maddox grunts his disapproval, then looks at his feet, expelling an exasperated noise.
“Uh. No. That’s okay.”
“You sure?” Kellan feels sorry for me, I think.
That doesn’t do much except irritate me. Not that it’s his fault. “I actually think I’m feeling a little sick. I’m going to lie down.” And from the look on their faces, I know I’m not fooling anyone. I wait until they’ve gone before I leave the dorm and set out on my own.
It’s about six twenty when I find myself walking a path toward the stadium. There’s this incessant voice whispering in my head that says I should saysomething.I won’t say Hawk deserves a response to his apology, per se, but it’s time I admitted to myself that Hawk’s waiting on me to make the next move. That’s why I’m here. He’d said he was sorry, and I hadn’t said anything back. So, he left. And has stayed gone.
I don’t like it. There’s something inside me that compels me to seek him out and make him understand this inner turmoil I’m feeling.
I blink a few times, looking toward the entrance to the sports facility, then glance at my phone. Odds are good that he’s still in this building somewhere. At first, I’m unsure how I’ll gain entry, seeing as how my campus access card isn’t set to let me in here. But then, one of the athletes leaves the building and holds the door open for me. I give him a grateful smile and slip through the door, taking a deep breath as I look around.
With a little shrug, I begin to wander the hallways, no clue where I’m going. If I bumble around long enough maybe someone will point me in the right direction. The building I’m walking through houses gymnasiums for the physical education classes. Then, from the signage on the wall, it looks like a little farther down the hall is where I’ll find the locker rooms for the sports teams. With every step, I’m filled with some emotion I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s driving me toward Hawk with the power of an out-of-control freight train.
When a door swings open up ahead, my breath catches. A literal sea of athletic-looking guys spills out. Big, muscly guys. Football-playing guys. They’re laughing good-naturedly with each other as they turn and come down the hall toward me. There are a few raised eyebrows as I stand uncomfortably off to the side to let them pass, but none of them say a word. Not that I can hear a damn thing over the loud thumping of blood pounding in my head, anyway.
“Lux?”
My head whips around in response to the familiar voice, and when I see him, my eyes squeeze shut for a second in embarrassment.Matty.I forgot there might be someone I actually know present to witness me hunting down Hawk. I let out a nervous exhale and raise a hand. “Hey.”
He comes to a stop in front of me. “What’s going on? What are you doing here?”
“Um.” My eyes flick from him back to the locker room door.
His mouth forms an O as understanding dawns on his face. “Hawk, huh?”
“Am I that obvious?” I scuff the toe-edge of my sandal on the floor, looking down. My palms are ridiculously damp, so I discreetly wipe them on the skirt of the sundress Raven had told me I could borrow anytime I wanted. I suddenly feel like maybe I’m trying too hard.Shit.
When I look back up, he gives me a teasing smirk. “I wouldn’t have known anything at all, except he almost bit my head off at practice last week after he saw me talking to you.”
My forehead pinches. “Oh, God. Really?”
“Yeah. It’s all good.” He jerks his thumb over his shoulder. “He’s still in there. He was talking to Coach Randolph. I think everyone is dressed and already outta there. You could probably go ahead inside if you need to talk to him about something.”
I draw in an unsteady breath and nod. “Thanks.” I press my lips together, but I can’t get my feet to move.
“What’s wrong? Nerves?”
I shake my hands out at my sides. “You don’t even want to know. I-I don’t know what to say.”
He purses his lips for a second as he thinks. He lifts his arms, palms face up in a classic I-don’t-know gesture. “Ryleigh sometimes has an easier time just showing me.” He smiles, shrugging. “I don’t know if that’s good advice or not. I hope it all works out for you. See ya, Lux.”
“Thanks,” I mumble, unsure if I said it loudly enough for him to hear me. Then I take a deep, cleansing breath and turn around, marching directly for the locker room door.
