Page 31 of Beautiful Nightmare
But he’s also the one who’s hurt me so badly I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to set aside our past. The problem is I have no clue if that’s even possible. My heart wants to trust him so badly, I ache with it. There’s something about Hawk in the here and now that makes me hope it’s possible.
And because after what just happened, I want to believe in him, the question I’ve wanted to ask since the first time I saw Hawk across the hall on move-in day erupts from me in a quiet rush. “How are you not dead?” My chest constricts as I wait for his answer… but he doesn’t speak immediately. He simply stares at me with those gorgeous golden eyes. There’s a lighter shade of hazel ringing each of his pupils that I’ve never noticed before. Lips trembling, I continue. “They had the funeral for you while I was in a coma. Nothing adds up. There was an obituary. And everyone told me you were dead. Why would they do that?”
He closes his eyes and drops his head to my chest. His lips graze over my collarbone.
“Knowing you couldn’t hurt me anymore was integral to my treatment and counseling. Seeing you here has fucked me up big-time. Maybe you’re right. This must be my fault. I must be to fucking blame. I’m the crazy one.” A sob bursts from me. “Hawk, say something. Anything.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t.”
“Then I need you to leave. I can’t do this. Not with you. I’d be handing you my sanity, wrapped up with a little bow.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he growls, clearly pissed.
“Get out. Get. Out.” I scramble off him and stumble into the bathroom. With shaking hands, I sort through my medical bag, looking for the right bottle.Fuck.I close my eyes for a second, my chest heaving.
And then his arms come around me, hands stilling mine. “What are you taking?” he rasps in my ear.
Eyes flashing, they meet his in our reflection. “Anti-anxiety medication. Xanax. Klonopin, Valium. Whatever will help me deal. This is what you’ve done to me. This is what my life has become. A never-ending series of panic attacks and medication to try to stop a complete fucking meltdown.”
His body goes rigid behind me.
“Leave me. I mean it, Hawk.”
He steps back, eyes searching mine. I don’t know what he sees. But if he can’t explain to me why I thought he was dead for two years, I want nothing to do with him, no matter how strong the pull between us is. I wish I understood it. I wish I could go back in time and accept enrollment at a different school. I don’t want to be here anymore. Or maybe it would be simpler to wish I’d never met him. I shove the pill in my mouth with a shaking hand and turn on the faucet to get some water so it doesn’t get caught in my throat like all the things I want to say to Hawk but can’t.
When I look back up, I meet his fiery gaze. I don’t know what to make of what I see there. His stare is relentless. Hard. Angry. And under all of that—confusion. He turns on his heel and walks away from me.
My heart sinks. I don’t know what I was hoping for. Maybe that he’d apologize? Explain himself? It’s like he’s gone right back to the Hawk from a week ago. The guy who took great satisfaction from playing with my head—only now, he’s also playing with my heart.
Hours later, I’m still curled up in my bed. I don’t want any part of this life here at Shadow River. I don’t want to leave my bed. These thoughts scare the shit out of me because they are similar to how I felt coming home from the hospital. I’d wanted to completely separate myself from anyone or anything that could remind me of what a colossal mess my life was. I really can’t afford to go there again. I’m stronger than that now.
A light tapping on my door forces my hand. I’ll have to get on with my life eventually. Before I can say anything, Raven speaks to me through the door. “Lux, are you okay?” She pauses a beat, then knocks again, more insistent this time. “I know you’re in there. I feel bad about last night. Can I come in? I hate thinking you’re alone and upset.”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. Hell if I know what to tell her. I don’t comprehend most of the jumbled thoughts occupying my brain space. I finally suck it up and mumble, “You can come in.”
“Hey.” She pokes her head in, her lip caught between her teeth, then gives me a cautious smile. Letting herself in, she comes over and sits on the edge of my bed. “I, um, saw Hawk leave this morning.”
My eyes flick to hers, and I know my face is probably bright pink because I feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry I took off and left you and Star to fend for yourselves at the party last night.” She closes her eyes and shakes her head a bit. “Really sorry.”
I nudge her with my foot. “You didn’t do anything. You’d think the two of us would be capable of taking care of ourselves. It’s not like I expected a babysitter just because you invited us to come with you.”
She shrugs. “I still feel crappy. And I probably should have insisted you come with us when I brought Star home. You know?” Her shoulders droop.
“It’s okay. I feel crappy, too. Really dumb. It’s like Freshman 101. Use the buddy system, always. Don’t accept a drink that you haven’t seen poured or opened with your own two eyes. The orientation advisors did an entire segment on it.” I drag in a deep breath and exhale heavily. “It’s over. I’m okay.”
She nods, rubbing her hands on her pajama pants, as if she’s nervous. “So… Hawk.”
My eyes flick to hers, and my face heats again. “Yeah. Don’t ask. It’s total insanity to think we could ever be—” I cut myself off. I can’t make the words come out of my mouth.
“Yeah. I mean—” She bites down on her lip as her eyes meet mine. “I don’t want to assume what’s going on between you two, but how do you get over the fact that he assaulted you? For that matter, what the fuck is going on with you believing he was dead… when he’s clearly not. There has to be an explanation we aren’t thinking of.”
“Yeah. It’s time to call my parents. I’ve put it off because they’re… well, they’re busy people. And the last week has been a whirlwind for me. I knew I could potentially have some trouble adapting to college. It’s harder than I thought, but now with all of this craziness, I’m at the end of my rope. I’m hoping there’s an explanation I’m overlooking. A reason why every person in my life would keep this from me. It’s abigfucking deal.” I let a breath hiss from between my lips. In my head, I’m screaming—because there isn’t any logical explanation. “He and I— I don’t know how to explain what I feel.”
Star appears at the doorway, gives me a small smile, then flops down on the bed with us. “Sometimes the heart knows what the heart wants, even if the head disagrees. Are we talking about a certain football player I just saw in the hallway on his way to practice?”
“Yeah.” I reach out and squeeze her hand before grabbing the glass of water they’d left for me on my nightstand. I take a quick sip before meeting Star’s eyes. “I’m sorry I caused so much trouble last night.”
