Page 87 of For the First Time
Chapter Twenty
As soon as we’d gottenhome from the meeting with Bartholomew—and Lilith—it was like the smells of the house jumpstarted my brain.I ran for a notebook, the one I’d been using for the case, and flipped more than halfway through it before finding a new page to start jotting down my questions.
The first question I wrote down was Everett’s.What does it mean to fight back?
Then I created columns of what I suspected “fighting” would entail, like interviews and speeches and actual protesting and created pros and cons for each.
When hands came to my waist, I jumped, not expecting the touch.
“It’s all right, pet.I’m just moving you from the doorway so you can sit down and write.”Atlas’s hands effectively maneuvered me onto the bed, carefully pushing me down so I was sitting on the edge.“Keep writing.I’m just going to help you get settled.”He started taking off my shoes, but not even the sexy look of Atlas on his knees in front of me was enough to stop my hands from writing.
Could I handle the scrutiny of being in the public eye?
Could I live with the guilt if I didn’t help make the OC better?
Would the stress be too much for my pack?
Was Atlas’s farm safe?Pink Lady Ranch had been in Atlas’s family for generations.Even the website boasted about the fact that it was omega-owned.But was it safe from being torn away from him out of spite?I didn’t trust the lengths Adam would go to.
Would I have to start wearing descenter again?
That question had my hand stopping of its own accord.What version of me did Lilith want?The beta that catered to omegas, wearing descenter, and playing by the rules of designation.I didn’t think I was her anymore.At least, I didn’twantto be her anymore.
That version of Eve would have never asked Everett to claim her—honestly, that version of Eve would have never accepted a place in a pack to start with.
My hand came to the gold necklace around my neck, the one I always wore with the Wilder name on it.In some ways, it had replaced the little stuffed toy in my purse that I used to cling to.
If I wasn’t that Eve anymore, would I still have deleted the file?The answer to that was a resounding, no-hesitation yes.Of course I would.
So why was I hesitating now when it came to defending more omegas?
I kept writing questions down until my hand ached.I made lists of pros and cons.I tried to decide what the worst possible outcome could be and if I could live with it.
My pen died.
Another was handed over, the fluffy pink ball at the end not even a hinderance as I continued to jot down questions and concerns as they came to me.There was so much to note.I tried to make a summary of everything Lilith had said in the meeting which made me wish I’d taped it.Then I made a new list of things I wanted to buy for my future meetings—including something to record them.
Eventually I ran out of room in my notebook.I made an impertinent sound as I got up and found a fresh book to write in.I broke the spine so it wouldn’t hurt my hand with all the writing and then continued.
My words were becoming illegible.The more tired my hand became, the less I picked up my pen which had the letters all stringing together like the worst kind of cursive.
At one point, my hand spasmed so bad that my thumb started twitching uncontrollably.
“All right.That’s the limit, pet.”
My notebook was plucked from my hands, since I was still standing in the middle of the room from when I’d grabbed the fresh book, and then Atlas’s hands were attacking me.Truthfully, he was just rubbing out my stiff palm, but the pain nearly took me to my knees.
“Talk to me.Tell me where your head is at.”
“I don’t know,” I admitted.“That’s why I need to keep writing.I need to work through all my thoughts.All the possibilities, all the outcomes.”
“Why don’t you work them out with me?That way you don’t literally break your hand from all the writing.”
I was shaking my head, although I didn’t really mean no.I just didn’t know where to start.What was I most worried about?“If I do this—if we do this.It’s for life.”
Atlas nodded.“So was mating.You think you’ll ever get rid of me, pet?Nah-uh.We’re for life.”
“I feel like I ruined the peace you all had before.It was so quiet, so studious, and now we’re talking about being constantly in front of the cameras.Being interrogated and scrutinized.”
