Page 28 of Christmas in Paris
It wasn’t even fair. Generally, Simon just accepted that life wasn’t, and he was more or less okay with it. But in this case, he was having a harder time than usual with that fact.
Ray was already moving on. Simon had watched the look on his face change when the incredibly pretty and very confident hotel owner had kissed him. Ray had blushed, actually blushed, and hadn’t Ray said from the beginning that he was straight? Sure, maybe Simon was an exception, but that didn’t mean that Ray wouldn’t pick a girl over him any day of the week.
Of course, the actual woman herself was no threat at all. She lived in Paris, and even if Ray did want to start something with her, even if she was actually interested instead of just flirting for fun, it wouldn’t work out. Long-distance things never did. Besides, when Simon had grabbed Ray and kissed him he had sensed no hesitation from the other man.
But it was more what she was a reminder of, this beautiful woman. There were plenty of beautiful women in the United States. One of them, sooner or later, and Simon would be willing to bet on sooner, would ensnare Ray, and maybe she would have better luck than Simon had had in getting Ray to fall in love.
Not that it mattered. Not that any of it mattered. He had not been treated badly, no matter how hurt he was. He had to remember that he had signed up for this in the first place. He had gone in with his eyes wide open, and he had known that this day was coming from the very beginning.
He had no one to blame but himself. That was the worst part about it, in a way. He had walked right the hell off of the edge of this cliff, and he had had his eyes open the whole time. But he had done it anyway.
When they got to bed, they had sex, as they had almost every night since they’d started sleeping together. But there was a distance between them, one that Simon was pretty sure he himself was enforcing. It was time to say goodbye, and if he were a little bit less selfish, he probably would have tried not to sleep with Ray at all.
They didn’t get more than a few hours of sleep, which made the morning pretty much hell. Well, it was one of the things, anyway. The kids hadn’t gotten much sleep, either, and the flight left early in the morning. No one wanted to leave at all, so everyone was out of sorts.
It occurred to Simon, as he stood there at the airport, bleary and trying to somehow hold it together for the sake of the kids, that he was never going to do this again if Nancy had her way. Which she almost certainly would. It wasn’t just this class of students, because his term with them was over either way. The way his school worked, the students had one group of classes for half the year and another for the other half. So he would be saying goodbye to these particular kids either way.
But he wouldn’t have a new class when school started again in January. At the very best, he was looking at a suspension so that his boss could sort this all out. More likely, given Nancy’s hatred, was that she would get him outright fired. He wouldn’t work as a teacher again, either, with that sort of black mark on his record. He was pretty much just screwed.
Did he regret it? That was the question he had to ask himself as he sat on the plane, being whisked back across the ocean towards his home. It would have been easier, no doubt about it, if he had never let himself get involved with Ray at all. If he had just gently, but firmly, turned Ray down, just as he had the first time that the other man had kissed him.
But he couldn’t regret it. Not really. Not when he had all of these experiences that he would remember for the rest of his life. Yes, it would hurt, and yes, shit was seriously about to hit the fan, but he still couldn’t quite make himself wish that none of it had happened.
His life was falling down around his ears or would be very soon. He could see it coming a mile away, which almost made it worse. But at least he had this incredible month to remember as he struggled to find a new job. Worth it, but there was no doubt that this had all taken quite a toll on him.
For the long trip, he tried to keep his mind from going back to it, but over and over again, he found himself thinking about what it would be like if he and Ray could, by some miracle, be together. They could rest together, Ray might put his head on his shoulder as they flew, or they could watch a movie together. They could go home together and fall into bed, too tired to do more than cuddle close.
That was what it had gotten to. Simon would miss the sex, his body had gotten used to frequent and amazing orgasms, but that wasn’t what he would miss the most, what he was fantasizing about now. He had gotten more than used to having someone there at the end of a long day to hold him and kiss him and say sweet things to him.
In short, he wanted a relationship. He was finally ready to move on from Nick. But only with Ray, and that was something that he wasn’t stupid enough to think that he could ever have.
Ray was quiet for the flight, and Simon wondered, too, what was on the normally vivacious younger man’s mind. He was probably just tired, like everyone. Most of the students had fallen asleep, and only Nancy was wide awake, peering around at everyone as if trying to ferret out all of their secrets just by looking at them.
Unfortunately, she was pretty good at that. Simon knew that from experience.
Everyone started to rouse themselves about half an hour outside of the Seattle airport, and the cabin got quite a bit noisier after the stretching, the yawning, and the desperate dashes to the washroom had slowed down. Most of the kids were excited to be going home, which made sense, he supposed, even if he couldn’t relate.
If he could have, he would have stayed in Paris forever, as long as Ray was there with him. And there he went again, obsessing about impossibilities.
He and Ray hadn’t said so much as a word to each other the entire flight. No, it was more than that. He and Ray hadn’t said a word to each other since just after the year had changed over from old to new. Which he supposed was fitting.
Even as the plane landed and taxied to the gate, Ray was silent, wrapped up in his own world. One that didn’t have anything to do with Simon. Not anymore. He was already moved right on past their fling, it seemed, and it was just Simon’s bad luck that he couldn’t do the same.
One by one, the students were picked up by their families, although Ray and Ashley stayed around. Ray was obviously determined to see this through to the end, although he probably could have been forgiven for just taking off. Nancy and Mandy were around, too, which was nice for Ashley, who was happy to chatter away with the other girl.
Finally, though, even Nancy and Mandy were gone, and it was just Ray, Simon, and Ashley, who was looking at them like she was curious about why she, too, wasn’t being brought home. With her around, there didn’t seem to be much that either of them could say to each other.
They’d shared all sorts of intense times together, and it seemed like they weren’t going to end with a bang, but rather fizzle out with a pathetic little whimper. Which, as it turned out, was exactly what Simon wanted to do right at the moment.
“Dad, come on. I want to go to sleep in my own bed tonight,” Ashley prompted, and there was nothing that Simon could think of to say. If his brain was just a little bit less fogged with sleep deprivation, maybe he could have come up with something clever, something that would tell Ray that he would miss him without Ashley catching on.
“Thank you,” Ray said, as Simon was still struggling to come up with the perfect few words. “That was the chance of a lifetime. I’ll never forget it.”
That wasn’t bad, actually. If only Simon had gotten it together enough to say something like that. And yet, there was still so much unsaid between them, things that they should have been saying the night before, if they hadn’t been busy ravishing each other.
On the other hand, maybe it was better this way. Better than Simon making an idiot out of himself. Better than him humiliating himself and Ray both by making a scene in front of Ashley, who had, as far as they knew, anyway, remained completely ignorant about all of this. Maybe it could stay that way.
“Goodbye, Ray,” Simon said, his voice stilted, even to his ears. But it was that or beg the other man not to go. Beg him to give this a chance. But what was the point? There was none, this was a hopeless case, and he’d known it all along.
