Page 22 of Christmas in Paris
He groaned into the kiss as he accepted Simon slowly, inch by delicious inch, inside of himself for the first time. There was no pain. Very intense sensation, yes, and a need to adjust to the sense of fullness, but there was nothing even close to pain.
What surprised him was how good it felt. And then, even more than that, he was stunned by how intimate it felt, having Simon fully inside of him, looking into his eyes and kissing him as they rocked slowly together.
He could get used to this. Very used to this. He could grow to love this way too much, and that was so stupid of a thought that he locked his arms tightly around Simon, throwing himself entirely into the physical.
Because how easy would it be to let himself look at emotion too much?
Chapter Sixteen
Simon
This whole thing was a mistake, wasn’t it? From the moment Simon had let Ray climb into bed with him, from the moment he had realized that he was unable to send the other man away, it had all been a series of mistakes that Simon would pay for later.
But the thing was, Simon had missed Ray so much. He was so angry, when he thought about it, which happened about a thousand times a day, that their time together had been spoiled by Nancy showing up.
So he’d been vulnerable. And then Ray had been so willing, so pliant and beautiful, and Simon had gotten more and more carried away. He had never wanted this to stop, but gradually, over the week, he had come to terms with the fact that it was probably better this way. It was all going to have to end soon, probably better that it happen sooner rather than later so that Simon didn’t fall too helplessly in love.
Each step had led so naturally to the next, and now Simon was looking down into the gorgeous face of the man who he somehow had to convince his heart to give up. He was right on the brink of slipping inside of him for the first time, and it was going to be completely unlike everything else he’d ever felt. He could already tell.
This would be crossing a line, and he just hoped it was one that he could cross back over when Ray was inevitably gone. But whether he could or not, he didn’t have it in him to resist this. Sanity might have prevailed if Ray hadn’t opened those remarkably green eyes of his, glistening even in the darkness, and gazed up at him, but then again, it might not have.
It didn’t matter, because it was happening. There was no stopping it now. So he moved down at the same time as Ray stretched up, their lips meeting in the middle as Simon started to push inside of him.
He had thought himself prepared for it. He had arrogantly thought that, because he was the one who had done this before, he wouldn’t be shaken by it. Yes, he felt strongly for Ray, and yes, they had crazy sexual tension, but it wasn’t like it was the first time that …
But it was. He couldn’t have known. He shouldn’t have thought that he did. When he felt the hot clench of Ray’s body around his throbbing cock, when he looked down into his face and saw the pink flush of pleasure on his cheeks, when he pulled away enough that he could see those pretty lips parted, he felt something grip his heart in a way that he hadn’t known would happen. He just hadn’t known.
Slowly, so that there was no chance of the bed rocking or creaking, Simon started moving inside of him. It was interesting in a terrifying way. The pace he was forced to move gave him no chance to get away from the intensity of it. He felt trapped, and the worst part of it was, he didn’t even want to get away.
Ray would run, would never stop running, if he had the slightest idea how Simon was feeling. Every thrust, every movement, bound him more thoroughly to Ray. He was trapped. He was completely, thoroughly, irrevocably in love. He had suspected it before, but he hadn’t known for sure. Now he did.
Ray would doubtless leave him at the end of December. He had found the person he was meant to be with, but by a cruel trick of fate, it was someone that he could never have—someone who, even if Simon were willing to give up his job, wouldn’t want Simon, not long term and not to keep.
This was all he could ever have, and he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Ray’s, sure that the younger man would read the truth in his eyes if he looked at him too long. Sometimes Ray was distressingly perceptive. So Simon just kissed him and held him and moved slowly inside of him.
After all, broken heart or not, it seemed to him that it was better to have this experience with Ray than to have missed out completely. They said it was better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. He had always thought that was bullshit, but now he found himself agreeing.
How long they lay linked, Simon didn’t know. It wasn’t a quick experience, although the need they both had for the other was fully evident. But because of the slow pace, there wasn’t quite enough friction, just enough to keep them on the edge while not tipping them over.
For a long time, they just lay there, neither of them moving, gazing into each other’s eyes, and it was the single most romantic moment of Simon’s life. He had never even dreamed that he could feel this way.
It could have lasted forever, and he would have been happy. But nothing lasted, good or bad, not even when it was so good that he would have done anything to keep this connection going. Simon let out a soft whimper as Ray tightened around him, just adjusting his posture a little, but it was enough to upset the very careful balance Simon had been maintaining. It had been getting more and more fragile every second.
Leaning down, Simon clamped his mouth onto Ray’s once more, knowing from the look on his face that Ray was right there on the edge with him. It wouldn’t take long, not for either of them, not once Simon started to move the way he wanted to. At the same time, he slipped his hand down to wrap around Ray’s erection, finding him slick and swollen and burning hot to the touch.
He meant business now. He was so close, his body tensed and tight with the effort of holding back his release, but he couldn’t do it anymore. The second that Ray found his pleasure, Simon knew he would be right there with the gorgeous young man. They were linked, not just physically but, it felt like to him, anyway, also spiritually, emotionally, on a level that went down into the very center of him, right past his heart and deep into his very soul.
It wasn’t just the most intense physical experience he’d ever had, although it was that. It was that he had never thought anything could hit him this deeply. No one ever had before, and he had thought he was in love. Now he was being shown, in no uncertain terms, what being in love meant.
“I love you,” he breathed, and it was okay for him to say that because his lips were trapped against Ray’s, and there was no way he would hear anything that Simon was saying. It helped him to get it off his chest and didn’t hurt anyone or make things awkward.
They were words that he needed to say, and the moment that he did, he could almost swear that he felt Ray’s lips quirking against his own. It was probably his imagination, but he could easily allow himself to believe that Ray, part of Ray, anyway, heard Simon and approved.
Even that fantasy was enough to make it happen, and Simon shuddered as he clung to Ray with his free hand, the other frantically stroking him. He was so determined to wait for Ray, but it was a fight he was going to lose, he was sure of it.
But he was wrong. Just as he was surrendering, just as he was relaxing his iron control, that was when he felt Ray’s dick jerking in his hand, felt him shuddering and trembling under him as he poured his hot fluids all over Simon’s fingers.
It worked out, so it was the same time for both of them. Simon shuddered as he clutched Ray’s body against his own, filling the condom with his release and wishing, for just one crazy moment, that it wasn’t there at all, that they were intimately bare to each other, skin to skin.
