Page 39 of Ken
“I gotta go,” Justin spoke abruptly, and he could hear that in his own voice, but it was also nothing more than the truth. He had a set time that he needed to be there, but it was also the truth that he suddenly felt awkward all over again.
It was easiest to retreat into habit. He nodded at Jamie and Lance and then put his arm around his daughter and led her out of the house. He waited just outside, watching until Ken and Lance and Jamie had all left the house, and he could lock the door. Luckily, it didn’t take too long, and soon it was just himself and Jade once more.
Well, no one had ever said that love would be easy, he supposed. Now, should he tell Ken that it wasn’t really okay to bring Lance and Jamie by? Should he get into that with him?
The truth was, he wasn’t even sure that it was much to do with that, and more to do with his own feelings about Aaron. No matter how things went, no matter what they said and did together, he and Ken, he couldn’t get over the feeling that he had that he was, and would always be, nothing more than a replacement for Aaron, the man that Ken actually wanted.
* * *
The night was long and strange, and Justin knew that it was his fault. Ken had shown up, and he’d been cheerful and upbeat, but every time Justin looked at him, he couldn’t help but think that this was the man who really didn’t take anything seriously, so why was he allowing himself to get involved with him?
Ken had been there, but in a very real way, Justin hadn’t been. He hadn’t allowed himself to be. He and Ken had watched a movie and then passed out, and it was the first time since they’d gotten together that they’d had the chance to have sex, and hadn’t.
Though Justin was trying to keep this all to himself, Ken seemed to figure out something was up. People really didn’t give Ken enough credit. He seemed oblivious, but he wasn’t, and in the morning he stuck around only long enough to smile at Jade, to say good morning to her and ruffle her hair, and then he was out the door.
How could Justin even blame him? He was the one messing this up, and all because he wasn’t sure how hard he should hang on to this. Was he pushing Ken away too much? Or was Ken all too willing to be pushed away?
“Hey, Dad?” Jade frowned a little bit, looking at him with eyes that seemed to see way too much. Wasn’t this part of why he hadn’t dated? Because he hadn’t wanted her to see him when he was in the grips of love? God knew that he could get intense when he was really into someone.
“Yeah?” Justin replied.
“Did you get tickets for the show yet? Because I want Ken to be there, and Lance and Jamie, too. All of the Lost Boys. Do you think they’ll come?”
Just like that, it felt like Justin had had a knife shoved into his heart and twisted hard enough to tear it apart. His daughter had fallen in love, too, in her own way. She’d been so happy to have these people around, and what would happen to her if something went wrong?
He’d gotten into this far too quickly, far too impulsively, and it was probably time to step back, to just chill out about this whole thing for a bit, so no one got hurt. He had gotten his daughter involved in this far too soon, but it had seemed so right at the time.
“Uh, no,” Justin forced himself to look directly into his daughter’s innocent eyes and steeled himself for what he was about to have to do. “No, baby girl. Ken is busy. I don’t think he’ll be able to come.”
It was just as bad as he had thought, to see the light leave her eyes and watch as the disappointment took its place. This, this right here, was why he didn’t get involved with people. This was why he’d kept his heart safe and locked up for so long. Only Ken had busted right through that, damn him.
“I guess that he should go to his sister’s wedding,” she said very seriously like she had been actually considering asking Ken to miss it. Which she probably had. This dance recital was everything to her. But even so she obviously knew that Ken couldn’t just leave his sister’s wedding.
“Yeah,” Justin said, fighting down a surge of guilt. He was actually pretty sure that Ken’s sister was getting married on Sunday, and the recital was on Saturday, but Ken was going to be busy with the wedding, right? So he was still doing the right thing.
“Okay. Let’s get you to school.” Justin tried to lose himself in the bustle of his normal morning routine, to try to tell himself that he didn’t remember the bleak look in her eyes, but he knew better deep down.
He had seen what he had seen, and the hell of it was that how upset she was going to be about losing Ken, if it happened, was going to be utterly dwarfed by how devastated Justin knew that he would be.
He’d gotten himself into this. He had let himself fall in love, and now, he was going to pay the price. It was his choice, and he’d made it, but poor Jade hadn’t made any such choice.
Definitely time to pull back. He and Ken had just let themselves jump into this head first, but if this was something that was going to last, didn’t they need to hold back? Just a little.
Justin had no intention of giving up Ken completely, though. Slowing down didn’t mean outright stopping. He wasn’t sure he could make himself do that, even if it did seem necessary, which it didn’t.
He just hoped that backing off now would work. He was already in way, way over his head when it came to Ken.
