Page 30 of Lance
THIRTEEN
It was a long way before Ken said anything again, which was pretty unlike him. Nor did he distract himself with video games, or even pull out his phone to play some mindless games there.
No, he just sat there, draped over most of the couch, his glowering face a raincloud in the otherwise cheerful bus. Everyone was fascinated by Star, who wandered around the place like she owned it, like she belonged here. Of course, she seemed most interested in where they’d put down her food and water bowls, sniffing at them endearingly before lapping up some water with a delicate pink tongue.
It was sort of funny. Star was Lance’s, in name, at least, but she seemed like she was going to become more like a band mascot than anything else. She had touched the hearts of at least three of the four Lost Boys, and even Ken surely wouldn’t be able to resist for long.
Ken. There was guilt there when Lance poked at it. Or even when he didn’t, to be honest. Ken was doing such a poor job of hiding his anger, but he wasn’t talking about it, which had to feel strange to a man who was normally so open.
Lance waited until they’d been on the bus for hours, on their way to the next stop on their tour, but Ken didn’t say a word. He just sat, and stewed, and Lance watched him with more and more concern.
If Ken would just let off the steam that he was clearly feeling, chances were, in Lance’s experiences with his best friend, he would recover quickly, get it out of his system, move on. Ken was a hothead, but the brief burst of anger, while it burned hot, also burned itself out quickly.
Lance found himself more and more concerned as Ken kept it to himself. That wasn’t good, especially not for someone like Ken, and he got up and walked over to Ken, sitting down beside him, nudging his feet out of the way so that he could seat himself.
“What going on?” Lance asked, watching Ken’s face. He’d been thinking about this man so much as his adversary, someone he had to keep secrets from or risk ruining his own life, but this man was his friend. And he’d been his friend since long before Jamie had come into the picture since long before Ken’s strange antagonism toward the newest Lost Boy had been such an issue.
Ken gave what looked like a sullen shrug, and Lance frowned a little bit as he studied Ken’s face. Orhetried to since the other man had it turned mostly away from him. All Lance could see was one ear, the curve of his chin and his cheekbone, and part of one eye.
It wasn’t just anger in that eye, though. There was sadness, too, wasn’t there? Just when Lance had discovered that look, though, Ken turned to gaze at him directly, and his face was, just for a moment, anguished.
“Why did Jamie buy you a cat?” Ken asked, and Lance tried to force his gaze to stay steady on Ken’s, but his eyes slid off of Ken’s like water skating over an oily surface. His fault, he knew it, not Ken’s. After all, Ken wasn’t the one hiding anything.
“I …” Lance took a deep breath, trying to make himself tell a lie, which was harder than he would have expected. Hiding things from his best friend felt strange, unnatural, though he’d done it before. Ken knew hardly anything about Lance, at least not anything important.
Opening up to Aaron had proven to be a dangerous thing, though, because now Lance wanted to tell everyone. He wanted to share with his best friend, wished more than anything that Ken could just be happy for him. But that was never going to happen. Or not soon, anyway.
“I’m not an idiot,” Ken sighed, and there wasn’t anger in his face anymore, not more than a hint of it. Instead, there was sadness, almost despair. “People think I’m an idiot, but I’m not. I might not notice everything, but I notice enough.”
That was all Ken said for a few moments, while Lance struggled to free himself from the crippling grip that guilt had on his tongue, on his whole body. He tried to speak, to say something, anything, but he couldn’t do it.
This might be the perfect time to tell Ken, but something held Lance back. Ken wasn’t ready, he told himself. But when it came down to it, Lance had to admit that maybe it wasn’t Ken who wasn’t ready.
“We should probably go out again soon,” Ken finally spoke, as he stood up, still with that devastating look on his face. Anger had been so much easier for Lance to deal with. “If you care about that anymore.”
Then, Ken was gone, leaving Lance alone to wrestle with his own thoughts. What a mess he’d made, and yet, what else could he have done? He’d tried to keep his distance from Jamie, but that had proven to be utterly impossible.
Why couldn’t things be different? Why couldn’t he just date Jamie? He closed his eyes and leaned back into the spot which Ken had vacated. It was too much of a risk. Soon, he tried to comfort himself. Soon, he would talk to Lester. He kept saying that, but then, really not that much time had passed.
He rubbed at his temples, and the look in Ken’s eyes haunted him. As soon as they got somewhere private, somewhere where they couldn’t be overheard at all, Lance was going to have to talk to Jamie.
Their tour was going to be over the whole summer, after all. For the next two and a half months, they were going to be on the road together. They all had time to work this out. And somehow, Lance was going to have to try to make himself believe that it could work out, that it wasn’t all hopeless.
Star climbed into his lap, curling up into an impossibly tiny ball of fluff there and dozing off again, and Lance took comfort in the warmth of her body, in the way she buzzed happily under his fingertips as she dozed off.
* * *
Lester pulled Lance and Ken aside when they got to the arena. The conversation they had there was brief, terse. Their date had turned heads, but it had faded from the collective consciousness of their fans, Lester informed them. If they wanted to keep this going, they were going to have to ramp the heat up.
The whole time, Lance found himself on edge, waiting for Ken to say what he knew, or suspected. Waiting for the man to tell on him, because the truth was, Lance hadn’t kept his part of the deal. He’d promised to try to make Jamie leave, to scare him off, and instead, he’d started sleeping with the guy.
But Ken didn’t say a word. He just gave a curt nod, then went off to get checked into the hotel. Lance followed more slowly, watching his friend’s back, hating himself at that moment for the wedge which had come between him and Ken.
It made him surer than ever. Jamie was important to Lance, far too important, but so was Ken. And so was Lance’s spot in the band. Lance had been slack lately, talking to Aaron about it, and kissing, touching, Jamie every chance he got. The right thing to do would probably be to give up Jamie entirely, but he already knew that he wasn’t going to be able to do that. Hadn’t he already tried?
Damn it. Why couldn’t Ken and Jamie just get along? Then the three of them could go to Lester together … Lance shook his head as the band made their way to the suite of rooms they had booked, and he watched as Ken went immediately to his room, dropped his bags off, and then stormed out of the place. He was dressed to go running, something that Lance knew his friend did when he was dealing with stuff.
“Jamie,” Lance said, as he set down the carrier which held Star, who was sniffing around at her surroundings with interest and who came right out when Lance opened the door for her after setting up her food and water, as well as some toys. They probably weren’t supposed to have pets in here, but Lance didn’t really care that much.
