Page 47 of A Lady Most Wayward
Right. Well. In for a penny…
Olivia dove deeper into dangerous waters to say what was racing through her mind before she lost her nerve.
‘I want you. I know you don’t love me, and that is not what this is about. If all we engage in is physical intimacy, your heart will still be devoted to Liza. You won’t be breaking your oath. It’s terribly selfish of me, and you’ll probably hate me later. But as long as you don’t hate yourself when this is through, I can withstand your anger. At least I’ll have a beautiful memory with you. There are a million things to fret about. A million things I should be doing. We could easily fail in this mission, but right now, I just want to hold you.’ Olivia bit her lip, desperate for comfort, no matter the consequences.
‘We won’t fail, Olivia. And while I feel far more than I’d like, hatred for you is not what plagues me. The Damsels are coming for dinner in a few hours. We shall make a plan and execute it. Together. Until then, there is nothing more to do.’
‘I can think of several things we could do that might keep me from crawling out of my skin.’ She thrust her chin out and refused to let the guilt keep her alone and terrified. Didn’t she deserve a small escape? To lose herself in desire just once, just for a blessed moment after so many years of complete isolation? To seek physical comfort when her emotions were so troubled? ‘I am wildly attracted to you, Philippa. Even in the midst of this nightmare. Perhaps because of it. Moments are precious. Is it so wrong to steal a few of them to feel something other than this fear threatening to swallow me whole?’ Her words cracked on emotions too large to contain, like an exposed nerve shrieking through her system. She shook her head. ‘I’m sure I’m the worst woman in all of England, but I’m also so tired of pretending that I don’t want you.’
There. She said it. Now that it was in the open, Philippa could reject her, and Olivia could slink into the shadows and dissolve into a useless puddle of worry and fear.
‘If the beau monde were to ever hear you say those words, you’d be sent back to bedlam.’ Philippa’s pleasantly low voice rose a notch.
It was a painful reminder of what she’d already endured, and a deft refusal.
Fine. That’s just fine.
She was accustomed to enduring hardship alone. She could hold her worries and fears for Hyacinth without seeking support from a woman so intent on disliking her. ‘I expect that would bring you great satisfaction. Me locked in a cell. What difference does it make if that cell is in Newgate or back to the Home for Wayward Women?’
Philippa tapped her fingernail against her teacup before sipping again. When she brought the porcelain away from her lips, Olivia noted how they glistened. ‘I don’t want you in a cell. Seeing as we are speaking truths tonight, I must admit I’m not sure what I want, and Ialwaysknow what I want.’ She shook her head slowly from side to side. ‘With you, I’m flummoxed.’
A small sense of satisfaction bloomed in Olivia’s belly, spreading through her veins like warm honey. ‘Well, at the very least, I can take comfort in knowing I confounded the Duchess of Dorsett. That thought shall keep me warm wherever I find myself.’
Philippa set down her teacup. ‘Our mission has changed. I was pursuing you to find the Crow. We’ve found him. He is our new target.’
‘So, I am no longer your enemy?’ Olivia stepped closer. Only a few feet separated them.
‘I’m not sure what you are, Olivia.’
Olivia exhaled a shaky breath. ‘I know exactly what I am. Terrified. Of losing Hyacinth. Of leaving England for an unknown future. Of confronting my brother and being defeated once again. The only time I forget to be afraid is when you are near.’Will I still feel this pull for you across an ocean?
Philippa rose and closed the gap between them. ‘What do you feel when I am near?’
Olivia licked her lips, tasting the words before she spoke them. ‘Hope. Power, even if it’s only because I’m borrowing yours. Desire. Like a fever burning me from the inside.’
Burying her hand in Olivia’s hair, Philippa tugged gently. Olivia turned so her cheek brushed against Philippa’s wrist. She closed her eyes and savoured the sensation of Philippa’s soft skin against her face.
‘You are right to hope, Olivia. The Damsels will help, and together, we do not fail. You don’t need to borrow my power because you have more than enough of your own. Tomorrow, I am going to start training you. A woman who knows her own strength is a dangerous creature indeed.’
‘And what of my desire? Am I wrong to need your touch? To crave your mouth against mine?’
Philippa’s pupils dilated, the black nearly eclipsing the blue. ‘No more wrong than I am to obsess about burying my hands in all of this hair. To want to lick you right here.’ She brushed a thumb over the delicate skin where Olivia’s earlobe met her jaw. ‘I don’t remember need ever feeling this vital.’
Olivia swallowed.Not even for Liza?She couldn’t ask the question. Nor would it be fair. Philippa’s love for Liza was a precious thing. A secret treasure that belonged to Philippa and Liza alone. No matter if Olivia and Philippa shared a wild tumble or an endless fall, she vowed to never try to replace Liza in Philippa’s heart.
And besides, I don’t want her heart. This isn’t about love. It’s about hunger and heat. Distraction and desire. Comfort in times of trouble. That is all.
But could the heart expand enough to hold past love while making room for someone new? Someone living in the present? It was a question Olivia wasn’t brave enough to ask because she didn’t want to know the answer. But she wanted this now. So she would claim it and damn the consequences.
Leaning forward, Olivia took Philippa’s mouth in a desperate assault. Plunging her tongue into the duchess’ depths, she tasted whiskey, tea, and a hint of aniseed. When Philippa’s nails scraped against her scalp, Olivia grabbed her waist and pulled her hips flush against her own. Philippa thrust her thigh between Olivia’s legs. She wished her layers of silk, crinoline, and cotton would magically disappear. But the fabric created delicious friction as Philippa pressed her leg harder into Olivia’s cleft.
Nibbling along Philippa’s jaw to her neck, the scent of jasmine and frankincense filled Olivia’s lungs, and her heart hitched. She sucked Philippa’s skin into her mouth, biting hard enough to make the duchess hiss. Philippa palmed her breast.
‘Vicious,’ Philippa murmured, throwing her head back to give Olivia better access.
‘Just trying to match you, my lady.’ Olivia couldn’t stop the smile curving her lips as Philippa traced the neckline of Olivia’s dress, dipping her finger below the silk and finding the hardened, sensitive bud where pleasure sparked like fire.
‘Ride me. Let me watch you fly apart.’ Philippa dropped her hands to Olivia’s hips, sliding her thigh back, then forward again as she ground Olivia against her. She hit the cluster of nerves at the apex of Olivia’s slit. Olivia couldn’t stop the moan of need as she caught the rhythm, chasing the sweet promise shimmering just out of reach. Philippa watched her like a hungry predator, and something about her gaze made Olivia come alive. She pulled down the front of her dress, exposing her breasts and revelling in the flare of unfiltered need in Philippa’s eyes.
