Page 29 of A Lady Most Wayward
Tapping her finger on the sheet, Philippa contemplated her answer. ‘I don’t like the way you make me feel.’ It was far more honest than she wanted to be, and once more, she regretted her words.
‘Angry?’ Olivia asked.
‘No, anger is something I’m used to feeling. I like anger. It’s far better than fear.’
Olivia shifted on her side, bending her elbow to rest her head on her hand so she could face Philippa. They had no pillows and were using their coats. She used her free hand to re-bunch the material beneath her elbow. Her blonde curls shone in the sliver of moonlight peeking between wind-chased clouds. One curl fell over Olivia’s cheek, and Philippa resisted the urge to reach out and tuck the silky strand behind her delicate ear. An ear she desperately wanted to nibble, if only to hear what sounds the woman might make.
‘What is the Duchess of Dorsett possibly frightened of? The Queen’s Deadliest Damsel. A fearsome creature with pistols in her pocket and daggers in her boots. Men tremble in terror of you.’
‘It isn’t men who worry me.’
Doing what Philippa could not, Olivia reached out and let her finger follow a strand of Philippa’s hair from her forehead down to where it lay on her shoulder.
‘Who is it then? Certainly not me.’
Philippa twisted to mirror Olivia’s pose. Their faces were only inches apart, and the fire was warm on her back. ‘It’s me. I’m frightened of myself.’
Olivia’s brow furrowed. ‘I don’t understand.’
Because I hardly understand. So how can I possibly explain the thoughts racing in my head?
She never spoke of Liza. At least, not to anyone but Liza’s brother, Edward. But for reasons she refused to examine, she wanted to speak of her now. To Olivia. And why not? The marchioness already hated Philippa. Confessing her darkest crimes wouldn’t change Olivia’s opinion of Philippa one whit, nor did she care.
Liar.
Pressing her lips together, she breathed deeply through her nose and savoured the scent of Olivia. ‘Control is something I prize as it is something women are rarely given. Control of my choices. My future. My feelings. I’m sure you understand.’ She waited for Olivia’s nod. ‘I think every woman does. It was the one thing I despised about loving Liza.’ Even saying the words aloud shattered a wall she’d built deep within. A barrier to contain the blackness of her soul.
Olivia didn’t say anything. She just held Philippa’s gaze with her own. Steady and true. The silence allowed Philippa to continue.
‘Loving her was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.’
‘Tell me what you love most about me.’ Liza scrunched her face, her hair haloed on the green grass as a bee buzzed lazily nearby.
Philippa rolled over and stroked her fingers over Liza’s soft cheek. They had shared their first passionate kiss only a few weeks prior, but already she knew this was it. This was forever.
‘I love everything I know about you, and everything I’ve yet to learn.’
Liza giggled and shook her head. ‘You’re supposed to say you love my eyes. Or my mouth. Or my hair, silly.’
Philippa rubbed her thumb along Liza’s jaw. ‘Those are just things on the outside. I like those things. But I love what’s inside you.’
Liza popped up and grabbed Philippa’s hand, pressing it against her chest. ‘Like my heart?’
Philippa leaned forward, hovering a moment away from Liza’s mouth. ‘Yes. I love your heart.’
She pulled herself from the memory. If they had known how things would end, would they have altered how they loved each other? It was a question Philippa would never be able to answer.
She cleared her throat. ‘And loving Liza was the most devastating thing I’ve ever experienced. Losing her nearly broke me. I vowed to love her forever. And I do. But I also swore to never let myself be so vulnerable again. To never give my love to another. Because I had no control when she died.’
Philippa blinked, remembering when Edward told her what had happened. It was the single worst day of her life. ‘I had no control over the choice she made. Or my emotions because of that choice. Or my thoughts. They would take me back to some of our most beautiful moments and make everything within me hurt. Even my own decisions seemed out of my control. My body went places without asking my mind for permission. Wandering to our haunts in the middle of the night. Not sleeping. Not eating. I was paralysed for months. Unable to go back to the time when we were together. Unable to move forward. It was as though I died with her and was just a shell. The smallest tap might shatter me, and sometimes, I wanted to shatter. I wanted to join her, wherever she was.’
‘Philippa.’ Olivia’s soft murmur brushed gently over her raw nerves. Her warm hand stroked down Philippa’s arm in a gesture of comfort.
‘I couldn’t share my grief with anyone. I wasn’t supposed to be in love with a woman. Certainly not my childhood best friend. The only people who knew were those punishing me for loving her. They would likely take pleasure in knowing I suffered. Except Edward. But I was too angry to speak with him. So I kept the pain inside like a secret that grew fierce and feral in the dark.’ Philippa didn’t realise she was crying until Olivia cupped Philippa’s face in her soft hand. She brushed her thumb over Philippa’s cheek, catching her tears. Philippa pulled back and sniffed, unwilling to accept kindness.
‘You mourn her still. Such devotion is something few people show.’
Shaking her head, Philippa shoved her hair away from her face. ‘You don’t understand. I am not some romantic woman pining after my one true love. I love Liza, but I hate her too, for what she did. To herself. To me. To any chance we might have had to reunite. I was so angry with her for not choosing life. Was our love not worth living for? I swore I would find her. That we would be together. Did she not have faith that I would keep my promise? Because I would have moved heaven and earth to rescue her.’ Philippa’s voice shook with her emotion.
