Page 65 of The Monday Night Heartbreak Club
‘Margot and Wren have only got eyes for each other, and Fraser will only have eyes for the contents of the bowls. Nobody is going to mind if they aren’t centred.’ Flynn put a hand over mine. ‘Wow. You’re actually shaking.’
I didn’t want to tell him that my entire future –ourentire future – might rest on the next couple of hours. I left the crisps alone and straightened the pile of books on the low table. I nearly went to the trouble of hunting out some coasters for the glasses and mugs currently lined up on the side in the kitchen, but thankfully I wasn’t quite that bad yet.
‘Is there something you need to tell me?’ Flynn carried on watching me.
‘Wait until the others arrive.’ I neatened the throw over the back of the sofa for the millionth time.
‘Oh. Okay.’ He shifted and leaned back against the window, trying to look nonchalant. ‘You’re not… You’re happy with our relationship, aren’t you?’
The words came out very fast, as though he’d had them in mind for some time and had only just let them out. Likegreyhounds let slip, the words had headed for the finish in a mass of phrases. Now that Flynn was letting some of those repressed feelings out it seemed there was no stopping him.
‘What?’ I left the throw and turned around slowly. Flynn was adjusting his elbows, still leaning. ‘Of course I am. Why would you think I wasn’t?’
He sighed. ‘Sorry. I’m not good at these kinds of conversations. I wish Mum could have stuck around a bit longer and told me how this all works.’ Flynn took a deep breath. ‘I am, in my clumsy and not very practised way, trying to say that you’ve been a bit distant lately. Having been on the wrong end of a woman being… distracted, chiefly by working out how to scam me, I get twitchy around distraction. And then I don’t know what to say or how to say it. Sorry,’ he repeated.
I was so gobsmacked by his insecurity and his obvious attempt to feign nonchalance that I just stood with my mouth open and looked at him. Gorgeous, dark Flynn, with his quiet solidity and intelligence, like a black hole with a vocabulary. ‘Seriously?’ was all I could say.
He shrugged. ‘I thought, maybe, now that you’re getting yourself sorted and that bastard of an ex is locked away, maybe you’d be having second thoughts. And I must admit to an uncharitable contemplation about just how attractive I am as a partner, now I’ve told Dad that I don’t want to rely on him any more.’
I didn’t like to say that I’d been having similar thoughts about him. Flynn and Ibothneeded to learn to talk to one another.
‘Flynn, it’s not about the money. Well, it sort of is, because we’ve got to make a living, but…’ I was aghast. ‘It wasneverabout who you are. I didn’tknowwho you are.’ I made my way over to him. He was averting his eyes now, concentrating ferociously on the dreadful carpet tiles. ‘I honestly can’t believethat you think that I’m the sort of person who would only be with you because of who you are.’
He shrugged again and twitched the cuff of his shirt. ‘I don’t.’ Now he met my eyes and his expression was one of tortured wariness. ‘I really don’t. But I never know what you’re thinking, Fee. You’ve got this kind of closed-off expression sometimes and it’s impossible to read.’
‘Of course I’ve got a closed-off expression, half my face was stitched up so tightly that I smile like only half of me is happy. And smiling hurts.’ OfcourseI was closed off, I’d had a lifetime of being taunted by my brother for having emotions of any kind, and then bullied by Dexter if I dared show anything other than a type of wired ecstasy. Not showing any negative emotion had been beaten into me, and the positive ones had gone along for the ride. Showing how I was feeling was another of those things, like walking properly, that I needed to learn. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve spent a lifetime keeping everything to myself. I’m finding it hard to realise I don’t have to. And it feels as though you are realising the same thing. God, we’re really crap at this “communication” thing, aren’t we? Flynn, can you just trust me?’
‘I love you,’ he muttered to the floor again. ‘And I know your life has been a bit unconventional this far. But I’m not this rich guy whose life has been all plain sailing up to now. I’ve got my own demons.’ Those huge black eyes came back up to mine and held them this time. ‘But if you can stamp on your demons, I reckon I can give mine a hard time too, don’t you?’
He crossed the floor and his arms were suddenly around me in the kind of hug that was so tight it almost hurt. I put my obedient arm around him. My other one hung in its brace, my constant reminder of what had happened, limp and unavailable. ‘Flynn, I will tell you what I’ve got in my head, but I need the others here first,’ I said, muffled against his neck.
‘But you’re not dumping me.’ He sounded a little bit lighter now.
‘No. I am not dumping you.’
‘I’m sorry.’
I stared at him. ‘What on earth have you got to be sorry about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. A ridiculous inability to cope with rejection? A predisposition to always fear the worst?’
‘My ex blew up your bar! You didn’t see that one coming, did you?’ I could feel the smile beginning to make its lopsided way across my face. ‘A little bit of fearing the worst is to be expected, under the circumstances.’
‘True, true.’ He moved back a little and I could see he was smiling now too, a complicated sort of smile that showed relief and guilt and self-loathing and despair all mixed together with that dark-eyed watchfulness. ‘Life has taken a turn for the unexpected since I met you.’
I let those words sink in.Unexpected. I quite liked that. I liked the idea of being unexpected. Impromptu. Random. It made me feel less of a target.
‘Here they come.’ He glanced out of the window. ‘They’ve all come together, again. Margot really does seem very fond of Fraser, doesn’t she?’
‘I think he’s the son she’s permanently glad she never had.’ I rearranged the crisp bowls for the hundredth time.
‘He’s doing all right for himself now though.’ Another glance. ‘And he’s looking incredibly fit.’
‘Of course he is, he does nothing but train. I hope no beginners are going to look at his muscles and think they can do that in a few weeks. I mean, they can, he’s living proof, but they’d have to have absolutely no other life at all.’
Fraser bounced about on the pavement waitingfor Margot and Wren, and then charged for the stairs to the flat like an overenthusiastic dog. They followed more slowly, hand in hand and smiling.
‘They’re only getting fucking married!’ Fraser said, bursting the door open like the Sweeney.
