Page 57 of The Price of Love
I nodded. ‘Yes. You are pretty cool.’
Suddenly the beam of sunlight was nothing. Cal had smiled. ‘You think? Really? Hey, no one’s ever called me cool! Geeky, yes, spazz, certainly, but not that.’
‘It suits you. You act kind of dreamy, but you’re not really, are you?’ This was the closest thing that I’d ever made to a personal remark about Cal, apart from my foot-in-mouth moments regarding his limp. ‘You just think a lot.’
There was a flicker in his eyes, which could have been a wince. Too close, Willow, back off. But he didn’t say it. ‘Yeah, live in my head, me. Amazing, isn’t it? Brain the size of a planet and here I am worrying about rising damp. There’s a wall on the landing that’s going to need replastering. You’d better come and take a look, since it might be you that ends up having to do it.’ He got to his feet.
Subject changed. I followed him upstairs and pretended to pay attention to the dampness of the plaster. ‘How long do you think it’s going to take for your team to find the information?’ Icrouched next to him on the bare floorboards, smelling the dust, noticing how darkly stubbled his cheeks were, trying not to feel his hand occasionally brush against me in the confined space of the landing as he poked at the skirting-board-level plaster.
‘Not long. They’re good, and I’ve put Ratboy and Fortune together on the estate agents. They’ll be trying to outdo each other, so they should be fast.’
My heart was swirling the blood in my ears. ‘It seems a bit underhand.’ I took a half-step away from the wall and there was a crunching sound as a floorboard gave way, splitting into two under my feet, sending my leg down towards the joists of the kitchen ceiling. I staggered and lurched off balance. Cal reached forward and grabbed me by the arms, pulling me towards him so fast that I cannoned into him, driving him against the wall. ‘Ow.’
‘You all right?’ Cal hadn’t moved, still had his back flat against the plaster.
‘Yes, just a bit scraped.’
He had hold of my arms, above my elbows, so I couldn’t move away. His hands were very warm. His wholebodywas warm. Leaning full-length against him, I was perfectly positioned to know that, yes, he was warm. And hard. No, I don’t meanhardhard, although, all right, yes, I did notice that as well. Slowly I eased myself forward, trying not to put my foot down the significant hole. ‘Cal.’
Cal elbowed himself away from the wall and put his arms around me before I could get any farther. Not that I tried, once I felt his embrace. In fact, I took another tiny step forward and, in an instant, our mouths were on each other and the heat was flooding from him to me so fast that I could feel my cheeks glowing with it.
As he kissed me, deep, exploratory kisses that I could feel in my toes, I let my hands run over him. From his shoulders, down over his chest to his waist, and then I was inside his T-shirt andpassing my fingers over a coil of hair in the centre of his chest, sliding down, down . . . Smooth skin and ridges of bone, a slick trail of hairs leading the way to his belt where he caught my hands and held them. ‘No.’
I didn’t get it. ‘Cal?’ I thought maybe he was playing some game, some delayed-gratification thing, until I met his eyes, where such sadness looked out that it made me catch my breath and pull away.
‘No. I’m sorry.’ And from the way he was panting, I knew he meant it.
Ah, rejection. Well,thisis familiar territory. ‘Right,’ I said tightly, but trying not to show how hurt I was. ‘So whatisgoing on? I thought we were . . . we were . . . that it was all fine.’
Again, shattered expression in his eyes. ‘I think you’re just offsetting here, Willow. All this crap that’s going on with Luke? You’re looking for something to make you equal. You have sex with someone else, with me, and you’re quits. He’s done it to you, you’ve done it to him. I can’t do that, Willow. I can’t be your revenge.’
‘You felt keen to me. Youactedkeen enough.’
‘Yes, I’m sorry. I let myself get carried away. Willow, do you have any idea of how lovely you are? I’d have to be stone not to feel something. Butnot like this.’
I shook my head. ‘I’m not lovely. I’m what I’ve always been — just me.’
‘Yes, I’ve wondered about that.’ In the semidarkness of the landing, it was hard to see any expression on his face, only in his eyes. ‘You’ve never moved away from the house you were born in, you’ve got the same friends, the same job you’ve always had — even though you are patently qualified for something much better — and now you’re going to marry a man you’ve held a torch for, for over a decade,even though you know he’scheating on you. What’s it all about, Willow, you wanting to keep everything the same?’
‘I don’t.’
‘You do! Look at yourself. You’ve got your life planned out — marry Luke, do as he says. Hello, there’s a big wide world out there. There’s . . . there are other people who’ll care about you. It doesn’t have to be him.’
‘Stop it.’ Anger was fighting with misery now, and just about winning. ‘You’ve got no right. I mean, what have you ever done withyourlife?’
I saw the slow, beautiful smile build on his face. ‘Iwent from being an adopted cripple boy to running the most successful anti-hacking software business in the country, Willow.’ He spoke very softly, so I had to lean forward to hear. ‘And now I’ve made you face up to your life. I think I’m doing pretty well so far, don’t you?’ I slapped him. Hard. Caught him on one cheek and he staggered sideways, unbalanced. ‘Yes! Come on. Hit me again. Let it out, finally. Stop being Miss Goody-Two-Shoes.’
The bastard was laughing at me. I swung my arm back to take another shot at him, bashed my hand against the opposite wall with such force that my knuckles grazed and I let out what can only be described as a bellow of rage. ‘You completefuck.’
Cal was still laughing. ‘I know, I knowexactlywhat I am. And now, are you beginning to see whatyouare? That you don’t have to marry some guy you’ve had stuck in your head for years, and work in the same grotty little office selling ad space in a paper no one reads? Think, Willow, think about what youwantto do, not what youhaveto do.’
‘Someone has to keep the house together,’ I yelled at him. ‘Someone has to have a sense of responsibility! Do you have any idea what it was like, growing up with Sophie and Iain? When we could wake up one morning and find that they’d buggered off to sell shell-models on a Greek beach, or joined some travellers togo to Stonehenge for the solstice? And then Ocean or Flint would have to go and fetch Granddad to come over and look after us and . . . and one time when he was in hospital and we all had to go to foster homes for a week and we all got split up and I was terrified! And I promised, then, that we’d never get split up like that again.’
‘But you don’t have to take that responsibility.’ Cal looked as though he was enjoying himself, apart from the splinter of pain in his eyes. ‘They’re all adults now, Willow. Bree is a solicitor, for God’s sake, your brothers have all made lives for themselves! It doesn’t have to be you. Jeez.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘No wonder it took so much therapy for Ash to get out from under — you lot all know how to stick to the roles your parents gave you, don’t you? But the others are trying. Bree’s a mother now and Flint has given up the banking, okay, Ocean is always going to be a bit . . . different, but he’s got his own place and his own business.’ A gentle hand touched my wrist. ‘It’s just you, Willow, hanging on.’ He smiled again. ‘Well, that was all very cathartic. Now, shall we go and see if any of the team has had a hit?’
Chapter Twenty-Two
I sat on the sofa and shivered. It gave the whole flu story an added veracity, although Luke had clearly already fallen for it. The house was full of flowers and get-well cards and fluffy little teddies wearing ‘get better soon’ T-shirts.
