Page 37 of Beneath Her Hands
“Of course you wouldn’t,” Jane said. “All the same, I need you to get it figured out. I can’t keep going back and forth like this. I really thought we’d broken through something last night, but instead I find you in here trying to escape again. I can’t keep doing this.”
“I understand,” Rosalind said.
“I don’t think you do, Rosalind,” Jane said. “I told you I love you; I mean it. I know what I want, but until you can figure it out, maybe we should put all this on hold.”
“What?” Rosalind’s eyes snapped up.
“You keep saying you need time, so I’m giving you time,” Jane said. The words hurt as they left her, but she knew they both needed this. “But I can’t just be the person you come to when you’re overwhelmed, I need to know we are on the same page, that we can talk about the future, that you really love me, too. I’m not just some bit of comfort in a hard time.”
“I just told you I love you; do you not believe me?”
“I believe you, but I’m not sure you believe yourself,” Jane said. Each word drove a spike deeper in her heart. She wanted more than anything to say that all was forgiven and take Rosalind back to bed with her, but she knew the pain of that would only be greater once it ended.
“Jane, don’t, I?—”
“You told me before that I had to live for myself. I’m trying to do that, but I can’t if you keep pulling me back and forth. It’s always hot or cold with you, and I can’t keep up with the whiplash,” Jane said.
“Jane, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lose you,” Rosalind said.
“You’re not losing me, Rosalind,” Jane whispered, her throat too tight for her voice. “Unless you don’t want to be with me, and you have to figure that out first.”
Rosalind’s phone rang in her pocket. She snatched it out and stared at it for a second. “It’s the hospital, I have to go.”
Jane pressed her lips but didn’t answer. It was the most difficult thing she had ever done to just watch as Rosalind left her apartment without knowing if she would be back. Sure, they would see each other at work, at least for another couple of days, but Jane knew she needed this. She needed the space from Rosalind while she figured out what she needed, what shewanted. If it wasn’t Jane, then that would hurt, but Jane knew she couldn’t fall back into that habit of bending for her partner. Rosalind said it herself; she didn’t want to give up who she was for someone else.
The cool night air brushed her skin as Rosalind closed the door behind her. Her chest constricted. Maybe she would be back, but either way, Jane had learned so much about herself from the little time she’d known Rosalind, and she knew that if she bent on this, it would only make Rosalind lose respect for her. She found herself just sitting on the sofa, her mind swirling with how uncertain her life was in the moment. How she could have been at such a high a few hours ago to such a low right now. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked down at the two mugs on the table. Jane’s phone started buzzing on the table next to them, she picked it up, and it was Rosalind, but Jane ignored it, she couldn’t yet; she was too vulnerable, to easily swayed to give Rosalind whatever she wanted. After several excruciating seconds, the phone stopped buzzing. Jane picked up the mugs and took them to the sink. After rinsing them, she headed to the shower. Her phone buzzed again, but this time she didn’t even bother to pick it up, she just turned on the water and slipped out of her robe.
17
Rosalind
The door closed behind Rosalind, and she stood on the other side of it staring at her phone. The message was simply that she needed to get to the hospital, nothing more than that, but she could guess the rest. She took a couple of deep breaths before she was finally able to walk forward. Everything was in turmoil. She couldn’t turn back, no matter how badly she wanted to, but she also knew what she would be facing when she went forward. Everything in her wanted to rush back into the apartment and beg Jane for forgiveness, but Jane deserved better. She deserved someone who could focus on her and be there for her and with her. Rosalind could barely care for herself most days.
She shook her head. Rosalind knew she was being ridiculous, but that was only proving her point. She knew she loved Jane, that wasn’t a question at this point, but could she really be what Jane wanted? What she needed? Rosalind doubted that. Jane was probably looking for something more, something simple. Yes, she was saying that she wanted to travel, but what did thatreally look like? Rosalind wanted to get back into the thick of things, to go places where she was needed. The idea of traveling to some exotic location to vacation was reprehensible. That was what Jane wanted, Rosalind was sure of it. She deserved it, even Rosalind could admit that this job was difficult, no matter the circumstances, and Jane deserved an extended vacation, however she wanted it. Rosalind, on the other hand, didn’t want the jet-setting life. She wanted to help. She wanted to go to the places where her own life was in danger, where the people needed her help. The places that would break most people.
It wasn’t that Jane wouldn’t be strong enough to handle it; it was just that she deserved better. Rosalind forced herself to believe that there was no future for the two of them, there couldn’t be. Still, each step put just a bit more distance between them, distance that Rosalind didn’t think could be reconciled. She also knew that she needed to talk to Jane about this rather than make the decision for her, but she was afraid. She couldn’t live with the thought that she had coerced Jane into running headlong into a life where she would be miserable, but she wasn’t sure she’d be able to live with Jane’s rejection, either.
Rosalind’s mind didn’t return to itself until she had already walked two blocks in the opposite direction of her car. Glancing backward through the intersection she watched the light turn green, just as she was getting ready to step onto the crosswalk, a car came running through the light and across the intersection. She gritted her teeth at the driver as they passed, but just shook her head. She would never get used to small city life, or any city life for that matter. She started to cross the intersection again but decided against going back. It wasn’t worth the extra time to retrieve it, the car would be fine where it was for now. Another message pinged on her phone, and she knew that this was it. She practically ran the rest of the way to the hospital and her mother was at the doors as she approached.
“Is this it?” her mother asked as they pushed through the doors. Rosalind could feel the strength emanating from her mother as they walked side by side through the lobby and waiting room. How had she not seen this before?
“I don’t know,” Rosalind answered honestly. Their eyes met when they reached the door of her father’s room. Rosalind took a deep breath and pulled the door open to find Dr. Mars standing over her father, the machines pulsing slowly. His eyes fluttered, but he didn’t wake. Rosalind watched her mother take his hand and gaze softly over him, he took a breath, and Rosalind counted the space between them. It wouldn’t be long now.
Everything began to crystallize around her. She had come here thinking that her mother needed her, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. She thought she’d be trapped, but no one even expected her to stay. She never dreamed that she’d fall for someone in this small city, but even standing here with her hands on her mother’s shoulders, she couldn’t stop thinking about Jane.
Panic started to settle into Rosalind’s chest. Nothing was what she expected, nothing at all. Even standing here waiting for her father’s last breath felt wrong. Her entire career, her entire life has been spent fighting this very thing. She wanted to save her father, every impulse in her screamed that she should be doing something. Rosalind looked over at Dr. Mars, who wore a similar expression, but they both knew that there was nothing left to do here.
Her father took another gasping breath, and tears slipped from Rosalind’s eyes. Nothing else mattered—not the future, not her plans—just this moment. As her father released the breath it didn’t catch again. The machines around him began an electric drone informing them that his heart had finally stopped. For a brief moment, or eternity, Rosalind couldn’t tell, they watchedher father’s body, no longer a hub for his light, for his soul, before Dr. Mars finally spoke, her voice barely a whisper.
“Time of death, 2:34,” she turned to Rosalind and her mother. “I’m so sorry.”
Rosalind nodded, tears blurring her vision. She tried to say thank you, but nothing came out but a strangled gasp of air.
“I’ll give you a moment,” Doctor Mars said and quickly stepped out of the room. Her mother collapsed into the chair next to the bed and put her head on her father’s chest and cried. Rosalind snatched out her phone and tried to call Jane. She knew she had messed up, and this was probably all the wrong ways to try and say it, but she knew now, more than ever, that she wanted Jane. She didn’t care how or why or what they had to do, she wanted to be with Jane, and even if it meant spending the rest of her life in Phoenix Ridge, it would be worth it. Jane didn’t answer, and Rosalind put the phone down and rubbed her mother’s back. They knew this was coming, they had both been waiting for it, but it still didn’t seem real.
Rosalind had dealt with more death than almost anyone—she’d saved lives, she’d lost patients. She’d been the one to explain to loved ones that the person wasn’t coming back, but no matter how many times she’d explained it, no matter how many different ways she put it, death was just one of those things that was impossible to truly understand. Her mother’s sobs heaved against her hand as she cried herself out, while tears slipped silently from Rosalind’s eyes. She tried to call Jane again. She knew it was beyond inappropriate at a time like this, but she couldn’t help herself. Still, Jane didn’t answer. She dropped the phone into her pocket and focused instead on her mother, whose sobs were starting to slow.
Her mother stood up, and Rosalind embraced her, they cried on each other for a while, Rosalind couldn’t say how long. Eventually, the nurses came in and started removing the tubesand machines that had been monitoring him for the last couple of days. For the next several hours, Rosalind felt like she was treading water. Her mind was numb. She had cried all she could. Her mother was walking around in the same fog, just trying to get things settled. The hospital staff took Rosalind’s father down to the morgue, but there was no need for an autopsy. They arranged for the funeral home to pick him up and headed down to the cafeteria for some much-needed coffee.
