Page 66 of Finding Love at the Magical Curiosity Shop
‘You must’ve known,’ he says gently. ‘Everything changed in me. I could suddenly believe in the impossible. By the time we went to Wales, I could barely keep my hands off you, and I know you knew I was holding back, trying to cling onto my sensible side, and then we kissed, and every doubt I’d had went up in flames. I didn’t need to write that bit down, you alreadyknowit.’
‘I thought I knew a lot of things… until last weekend.’
He lets out a low groan. ‘The kind of weekend I would rather erase from my mind completely than put anything about it down on paper to be remembered for all eternity?’
‘That’s the one.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ He shakes his head. ‘That doesn’t even begin to cover it. I’m more than sorry. I wouldn’t blame you for never wanting to see me again, and if thatisthe outcome today, that’s fine, I deserve it. You did the right thing in returning the diary, ofcourseyou did, but Ava was so distraught and I was out of my depth in consoling her. She feels like no one is ever on her side. People forget how isolating it is to be a kid in a world of adults, even when they’re nice adults who go out of their way to include you, you still feel like a different species. And Ihadto support her, especially when she was so worked up. I couldn’t make her feel even more isolated, like even her own father doesn’t care about her feelings. You understand that, right?’ His index finger scratches at an invisible pattern on the table in front of him.
‘Yeah, of course I do, but it shouldn’t have been about taking sides. There were no sidestotake. The three of us got that diary back to where it belonged, it should have been a moment to celebrate, even though it’s always bittersweet to say goodbye to something that’s brought you joy, the most important part is that someone was missing it andwehelped them get it back.’
‘It’s easy to say thatnow, with hindsight, and without a teenager having a meltdown, but in that moment, I overreacted. Ishouldhave given us space and a chance to talk things through afterwards, but I’d been waiting for everything to go wrong between us – because that’s what relationships alwaysdoin my life – and rather than fighting it, I accepted that the inevitable ending had come sooner rather than later. I did what I usually do – curled myself into a defensive ball and fired venom in your direction like an angry, hissing cobra.’
‘Yes, you did.’ I fold my arms, feeling uncomfortably prickly about last weekend. Iknowhe was out of his depth and he overreacted, I know he does that, but it’s not easy to forget being on the receiving end of that defensiveness.
‘Mick, I’m so sorry. I said so many things I shouldn’t have said. I should never have called you a mistake when you are, quite literally, the best thing to ever happen to me. I’m embarrassed by how far below the belt I went. I was rude, cruel, and the worst version of myself I could have possibly been. You’ve changed our lives this summer, and you didn’t deserve any of that from either of us. Ava’s written an entry too.’ He nods to the diary. ‘At least read that one. It took her a long time to work out what to say and she knew it would probably come across better on paper than in words from a sulky, shouty teenager.’
I open the book and let my fingers trail across the pages until I find the one that changes from neat, uniform lettering in black ink to young handwriting in pink pen that’s dotted with hearts and stars.
I’m so sorry, Mickey. I ruined everything. I didn’t mean anything I said. I knew the diary didn’t belong to us, not really, but I didn’t expect its rightful owner to come and for it to just be gone. I thought I’d get to keep it and read it forever, and Dad says I needed time to adjust to the idea of letting it go, but it all happened so quickly.
The diary doesn’t matter. This has been the best summer we’ve ever had, but it wasn’t because of the diary – it was because we met you and spent so much time together. You’ve made me realise it’s okay to be myself, and I hope you’ll forgive me because I’m a real cow sometimes, and I’m sorry.
Dad’s sooo sad without you. Please don’t push him away because of me and make him go back to being miserable and mopey.
Oh, he’s shouting, ‘Ava, don’t write that!’
The entry ends with a squiggle where it looks like the pen has been taken out of her hand, and I make a noise that’s somewhere between a snort, a giggle, and a sob. The next entry changes back to Ren’s handwriting and I go to start reading it, but he reaches over and gently closes the book.
His hand stays on my side of the table and he takes another deep breath and turns his palm up, inviting me to slip mine into it, and when I do, his shoulders physically drop in relief.
‘When I walked into your shop in July, I was a tightly sprung angry ball, full of fear and frustration that was whirling around inside me and screaming to get out. You are the only person who’s ever heard all of my fears without a word being spoken. You’re the only person who’s ever understood my frustration without me having to bungle an explanation. You’re certainly the only one who’s ever been able to start unravelling my thoughts by running your fingers through my hair, and you’ve changed me this summer. I shouldn’t have acted like I did last weekend. I shouldn’t have walked away just because Ava was upset. You are both the most important people in the world to me, you werebothupset, and I should have found a way to navigate that rather than shutting down.’
He hesitates, like he’s expecting me to chime in with an agreement, but I stay quiet because it takes a lot to bethishonest, and he deserves a little credit for that, and for all the effort he’s gone to today.
‘Since July, I feel like a sailor enchanted by a mermaid’s song, and I’m hoping you’ll give me another chance because I am completely, hopelessly, and utterly in love with you. You once said that we never own anything in this world, nothing is truly ours, but I am the exception to that rule. You’ve owned a piece of my heart since the moment I saw you. And despite how much I’ve criticised you for it, now I’m hoping you might recognise Ava and me for the lost and unwanted things we are and see fit to help us find a place where we belong again.’
I’d managed to stem the flow of tears for a few minutes but they’re falling freely again and he squeezes my hand tightly and wordlessly reaches over with his other hand and holds out a tissue, but instead of the tears of sorrow they’ve been for the rest of the week, this time, they’re tears of happiness that we still have a chance.
I know what it takes for him to say that. To open himself up enough to share these feelings with me when heknowsall too well how vulnerable you become when you let someone know you love them, and that he cared enough to make himself that vulnerable, for me.
Suddenly, holding his hand is nowhere near enough, no matter how many people are watching. I get up and pull him to his feet too, and reach up until I can slide my arms around his neck and pull him down for a hug.
He makes a noise of surprise and it takes a moment for him to realise what’s happening, and then he lets out a sigh and curls around me, his body enveloping mine and holding on tightly. My hair is in a messy bun at the back of my head and his hand tangles in it and pulls me closer as he buries his face in my shoulder.
‘I didn’t expect that.’ He sounds as exhausted by this week as I feel. The juxtaposition of missing him so much and being so hurt by his words last weekend has been like a physical weight pressing down on me, and this hug is making it start to lift.
‘You’re well within your rights to tell me to sod off. I said some awful things the other day and I’m sorry.’
‘I’m sorry too. I’ve never witnessed a teenage meltdown before and I could definitely have handled it better.’
He pulls back and cups my face, brushing his thumb along my jaw. ‘It’s safe to say that all three of us could have handled last Sunday a lot better.’
I think he’s going to lean down to kiss me. His eyes flick to my mouth and back again, but he pulls away before going through with it.
I slide my hand over his forearm and pull him back towards the chair he’s just got out of, ones that I’m fairly sure he’s borrowed from the Colours of the Wind museum, and I sit down again too. ‘You really mean everything you just said?’
Instead of answering, he reaches across the table and squeezes my hand until I look up at him, and he holds my gaze, and I realise what he’s doing. He’s letting meseeevery feeling he’s just spoken so openly about. Emotions blaze though his beautiful blue eyes, and Iknowhe is absolutely laid bare and he’s trusting me not to hurt him.
