Page 62 of Christmas Ever After
‘You’ll find a way!’ Cleo sounds more confident than I feel. ‘It’s like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan at the end ofYou’ve Got Mail. She loses her job because of him. That still ended happily.’
‘Did it? Did it though, really? Meg Ryan wasn’t happy. She lost her beloved shop. Just because she found the guy didn’t make that any better. Love was a consolation prize.Sorry, you lost the place you’ve loved your whole life and have been fighting to save, but here, have a handsome man with a cute dog instead. I don’t want Raffinsteadof my shop. Our whole relationship has been him versus me, and for the past few weeks, it hasn’t, andthathas been wonderful, and that’s what I wanted to continue. I wanted it to be both of us.’
It’s the day after the Christmas market and we’re waiting for Mitch to bring back my stock that wasn’t sold from the cabin, but until then, the shelves are empty and it feels lonely in here without Raff. In three short weeks, I’ve got remarkably accustomed to the company of someone whoisn’ta little wooden man.
‘He made this Christmas feel so special. He made me realise everything that’s been wrong in my life lately.’ I let out a sigh.
‘Whydidn’tyou tell them?’
‘Tell them what?’ I cock my head to the side. Cleo works on the main part of Ever After Street so she wasn’t at the meeting. If even she knows what Raff said to me, then people have been talking.
‘Everyonehas been talking,’ she says, reading my mind. ‘You obviously know something – the secret behind his enchanted globes, I wouldn’t wonder. Why not throw him to the wolves and save yourself? Three weeks ago, you would’ve done that without a second thought.’
Now I feel sickatthe thought. ‘Three weeks ago, I would have done a lot of things. Three weeks ago, I held his family personally responsible for destroying my childhood, and it’sonly falling in—’ I stop myself before I mention the L word. Everything is so messed up now that I don’t knowwhatI’m feeling for Raff, but it’s probably best not to say a word like that aloud. I correct myself. ‘It’s onlymeetinghim that’s made me realise how wrong I was to blame Claude Dardenne rather than my parents themselves. He didn’t make them fight. He didn’t make them stay together much longer than they should have. And Raff didn’t deserve my misplaced vendetta. I’d never forgive myself for hurting him like that. He puts on a brave face but he hasn’t had it easy. He stays strong for his family, but the right word at the right time cuts straight through his walls. He’s got struggles that he’s never shared with anyone but me – I didn’t want to make them worse.’
‘Aww,’ Cleo starts, but is interrupted by a knock on the door, and I go to answer it without thinking and take a step back in surprise when I pull the door open and see Raff standing there, waiting to come in with a trolley containing a few unsold nutcrackers.
‘You were supposed to be Mitch,’ I stutter, for lack of something more eloquent to say.
‘And you were supposed to answeranyof my texts, calls and emails. I figured you wouldn’t answer the door either if you knew it was me, so I persuaded Mitch to let me bring these back.’ He goes to push the trolley through, but I stop him coming in and awkwardly pull at it one-handed until Cleo jumps up and drags it inside, and I move so I’m deliberately blocking the doorway. Having Raff in my shop would feel a bit like having him stomping over my grave at the moment.
I have no idea what to say to him, so I go back to the nutcrackers that have just come back. ‘I expected way more.’
‘Mickey didn’t listen when they passed on the message to put the shutters down. There were still orders left to be collected andshe said she was enjoying being part of the market and didn’t have anything better to do, so these are all that remain.’
Even in the darkest moments, my fellow shopkeepers lift my spirits, and the thought of leaving makes me feel like a vice has clamped around my body and tightened its grip until I feel positively ill. I love the people I work with on Ever After Street. Most days, it doesn’t feel like work at all. Christmas Ever After gave me a new start when I needed it most. I had no idea what to do with my post-ballet life until I stumbled across this place and spotted the little shop with the ‘for rent’ sign outside. I was still limping and couldn’t stay on my feet too long, and it was Mitch and the others – Mickey, Lissa, Mrs Bloom – who helped me to set up the workshop, and carry in all the nutcrackers I’d made in preparation for opening.
I’d forgotten how much I love it here – until Raff reminded me.
‘Where does this leave us?’ There’s a waver in his voice that suggests he knows the answer as well as I do.
‘I don’t know,’ I say, because Idon’tknow. My career is over, and his will continue thriving here. How can we have a relationship when, every morning, he’ll be going to work here, and I won’t? How will he ever be able to tell me about his day, or share stories of his colleagues and fellow shopkeepers, without being hyperaware of upsetting me?
No matter what, there will always be this huge wedge between us.
‘Why didn’t you tell them? You weren’t supposed to let me win like that.’
‘And you think it would’ve felt like winning to throw you under the bus, do you? I don’t want to keep my shop at the expense of your reputation and your family’s belief in magic, Raff.’ I can hear Cleo unloading the nutcrackers inside, and I’m well aware we’re having this conversation in the doorway andare probably attracting gossipy attention, but I feel like I need to keep this emotional wall between us. I’ve already let down too many walls when it comes to Raff. ‘We should never have helped each other. We should have stayed enemies. That’s the thing about you versus me. I should have known that one day it would come down to youorme, and I wasn’t prepared for how devastated I’d be if it wasn’t me.’
He goes to speak but I stop him. ‘Oryou, for that matter. How would you feel in my position? If they had chosen me instead? If you’d been told to pack off in January, and I hadn’t?’
‘I don’t know,’ he says honestly. ‘I didn’t want this. I thought we both had a chance.’
‘So did I.’
I look into his brown eyes and tears threaten again, and if I cry in front of him, he’s going to hug me, and look where that led last time, so I let my teeth shred the inside of my cheek, trying to stem the emotions.
In the awkward silence, Cleo shuffles up beside me to push the empty trolley back out to Raff, and he stands aside and runs a hand through his hair, and I try not to think about how desolate he looks as she goes back inside.
‘You can’t just give up. We can fight this. We don’t have to take it lying down. This December feels like the first time Ihaven’tbeen struggling, even though I’ve been working harder than ever. People have always said that I need to find someone who inspires me, and that was you, and… that’s worth fighting for.’
‘No. This is a sign,’ I say with a shaky vehemence in my voice. ‘This is the end of the line for me. Everything about The Nutcracker Shop has felt like a fight in recent years. Ironically, the only thing that’s given my days any meaning is fighting with you, and the only time it stopped feeling like that is when weactually had a big public fight, and that’s just too much fighting for one shop. I can’t do this any more.’
‘You don’t believe that.’
We both know it would be a lie if I tried to deny it, so he doesn’t give me a chance to respond. ‘There’s got to be something I can do to change things.’
‘Try time travel, Raff,’ I snap, because we both need to move on from this, and the last thing I want is him feeling guilty or like he owes me something. He’s already done more than enough in his attempts to save my shop. ‘Go back in time to that November meeting and stop us picking at each other. Stop the contest. Or, better still, go back years and stop me being so bitter. This is no one’s fault but mine, so get on with your life and forget aboutallof this.’
