Page 46 of Christmas Ever After
‘My teacher says that’s called accident-prone. There’s a boy in my class who says he’s accident-prone but Daddy says some people are just idiots!’
Erin gives her a scolding look, but she ignores it. ‘Was your costume pretty? Was it fun playing a fairy?’
‘It was. It was my dream role, until it turned into a nightmare when my dance partner dropped me on stage and the entire theatre watched my leg crack in three places.’
‘Just like this time with the video.’
‘Way more people have seen the video.’ I hate thinking about the ever-increasing viewing figures. ‘Thankfully no one recorded it and put it on social media last time.’
‘That must’ve been harder than you’ve ever let on, Fran,’ Raff says when Erin has walked on ahead to catch up with Quentin.
Why does it make me melt so much every time he calls me Fran? And that gentle encouraging tone in his voice is melt-worthy too. ‘It’s okay. I’m happier on Christmas Ever After than I ever was in the ballet. Yeah, it was years of pain and physiotherapy, but it was kind of the intervention I needed too. I wasn’t happy. Wasn’t healthy. There was so much pressure to stay thin and stay fit. I pushed myself too hard and never ate enough. The doctors were quick to tell me that my leg probably wouldn’t have shattered if I’d been healthier. There was a lot of competition. You were pitted against people you thought were your friends. People cheer you on while secretly hoping you fail, and it made me second-guess everything.’ It seems natural to tell him the rest too, the things about my previous career that I’ve never admitted to anyone and not entirely even to myself. ‘It was more of a childhood dream than anything else. One of the last times I can remember my parents being happy was when we went to seeThe Nutcrackerballet, and I remember being completely entranced by the Sugar Plum Fairy. She was so pretty, so perfect, it seemed like she’d never had any problems in her life. I thought her life must be perfect, and if I could do that some day, then mine would be too. And I just kept chasing that. No matter how hard it was, no matter how miserable itwas making me, I clung on to the thought that if I just got a lead role, all my problems would be solved. My parents would be happy again. I’d beenoughfor them.’ I’m struggling to keep the wobble out of my voice, because the only thing that’s ever made my parents happy is being apart. Nothing I did was ever going to make a difference, and in a way, I’m only just starting to realise that. I thought getting a lead role would do it, and when it didn’t, then I thought bringing down Dardenne Snow Globes would be the answer, but spending time with Raff and seeing how hard he’s pushing himself to continue doing things in his grandfather’s way rather than the wayhewants to has made me realise that it’s impossible to make other people happy and the best thing you can do for any family is makeyourselfhappy. The Dardennes would be so upset if they knew how much Raff is struggling, and deep down, I don’t think my parents would have pushed me so hard if they knew how unhappy I was as a dancer.
‘If only life was that easy, hmm?’ Raff uses his elbow to squeeze my hand against his ribs in gentle, silent support. His voice is deep and shaky, and he sounds like I’ve touched a nerve for him too.
When we get back to the house and everyone is in the hallway inside the door, taking off coats and shoes and the cardboard wings that Sofia reluctantly removes after being told they’re too cumbersome to wear all night, I feel like such a part of the family that I can’t help saying something.
‘Thank you all for being so kind and welcoming and including me.’ I splurt the sentence out, unsure of what I was going to say until I opened my mouth. ‘I just wanted you to know how grateful I am. It’s been a long while since I felt like part of such a loving family, so thank you for having me and being so lovely.’
‘Aren’t you a sweetheart?’ Trisha comes over and envelops me in a hug, and then pulls back to look into my eyes. ‘You’re more than welcome, my lovely. It’s a pleasure to have you.’
‘Pleasure to see a certain someone so happy.’ Biddy points at Raff, who has gone in first to help her down the step into the living room.
‘Gran – Biddy,’ he hastily corrects when she glares at him. ‘I’m always happy.’
‘No one is happy alone.’
‘Raff’s literally the happiest person I’ve ever met.’ I stick up for him. ‘Nothing fazes him.’
‘Heshouldbe fazed by the possibility of being alone forever,’ Biddy grumbles. ‘Who would trust him to help with their love lives when he can’t even help himself?’
‘He does make incredible snow globes. Isn’t that how Claude’s business started out? It wasn’tallabout love, was it? No one can deny that your grandson is a master craftsman. He’s getting pretty good at nutcrackers too.’
I’m distracted by his smile and the way it does funny things to my stomach, until she mutters something and then clicks her fingers towards me as she wheels herself across the living room, careening into tables and sending decorations sprawling as she goes. ‘Oi, you can come and help me out of this menace.’
‘Once Biddy starts referring to you as “Oi”, you know you’re part of the family, Franca,’ Erin says kindly.
I squeeze through the gathering in the hallway and race after the errant wheelchair. ‘I’m not much use for helping anyone at the moment.’
‘Oh, I know.’ Biddy clamps a hand around my good arm and uses it to haul herself to her feet and shuffle to the armchair. ‘I don’t need your help, I just wanted an excuse to whisper to you.’ She beckons for me to lean in closer. ‘He’s not always happy, hejust pretends he is because he doesn’t want us to worry about him.’
I’m surprised by her directness, but also really glad I’m not the only one who can see past Raff’s bravado. He isn’t as good at putting on a front as he thinks he is. ‘I gathered that. I didn’t know any of you realised it too.’
‘You can’t hide anything from a Dardenne. What Raff needs is someone he doesn’t have to be strong for. Someone he can be honest with. Raff grew up far too quickly. His father died when he was very young, and that boy took on adult responsibilities when he was just a child. That’s why he’s such a big kid at Christmas now – he never got to be a kid when he really was one. And since Claude died, he’s taken everything onto his shoulders, and now he keeps people at arm’s length so no one sees past his walls and forces him to face his own vulnerability.’
He’s let me see a vulnerable side. He’s strong and fun and protective, and I know he’s been extra attentive to me because of the injury, but he’s been open too. He hasn’t hidden his own struggles or pretended that he doesn’t find things hard, and it makes me instantly desperate to give him a hug because, of all the unlikely people in all the world, he’s letmesee past his walls and into his heart.
‘He needs someone he doesn’t have to keep up pretences with.’
I’m not sure if her eyelid is twitching or if she’s trying to wink at me, but I get the feeling this sentence has a double meaning. Does she know something? She was Claude’s wife – would he have shared the truth behind the snow globes with her? Has she somehow worked out that I’ve discovered it too? Maybe you reallycan’thide anything from a Dardenne, not even if you want to.
She’s watching me knowingly as I try to formulate a response, but Raff calls over before I have a chance to come up with something.
‘Why are my ears burning?’
‘Probably allergic to your shampoo,’ Biddy shouts, making me giggle. ‘Try a different one.’
Raff laughs and comes over to fold down the wheelchair and stash it somewhere, and Erin brings in Biddy’s martini and a plate of mince pies.
