Page 58 of The Wishing Tree Beside the Shor
‘You make it sound like you were supposed to have an arranged marriage!’
‘You know who my father was. He was ahugename around here, and there was an expectation on me to carry on the business. He wanted me to do thatwithhis business partner’s daughter, and what I wanted didn’t matter.’
‘You didn’t tell me,’ I say as he takes another step towards me. ‘We were so close, Ry. We told each other everything. Or so I thought …’
‘I thought you’d hate me. I was scared it would look like I was leading you on, but all I wanted was you, Fee.’
I can’t take all of this in. I know that what he’s just said should register in a monumental way, but it’s like I’m floating above, hearing it but not really present.
‘It wasn’t that big a deal before, not until my father realised I was head over heels for you and that didn’t fit with his plans. The pressure from him amped up. And then if I’d tried to explain it to you, I thought I’d lose you as a friend. And then that night under the tree … My heart soared when you kissed me and then sank because there was this thing I hadn’t told you about. It felt like I was betraying youandhis expectation of me. I wasn’t “free” to be in love with you, Fee.’
‘That’s why you “couldn’t do thisnow”?’
He nods and reaches his hand out. ‘I thought I could deal with it without you ever having to know. It hadn’t mattered before, but when I met you … This vague, jokey thing suddenlydidmatter. I thought I’d tell him when he was stronger, but he nevergotstronger. When you said you were leaving … I couldn’t hold you back. I reasoned that it would give me a chance to sort the situation out. I thought I’d deal with it while you were away and then when you came back I’d be able to explain everything, but the years went by and you nevercameback, and … I couldn’t just randomly call you years later and go: “Hey, you know that situation I couldn’t tell you about all those years ago? Guess what, I finally handled it. Marry me now, yes?” You’d have had a life by then. I thought you’d have met someone, and you’d be happy and I couldn’t blaze in and ruin that.’
Something about his outstretched hand is impossible to ignore, and I slide mine into it and give his fingers a squeeze.
I often feel so jaded and cynical that nothing shocks me anymore, but this certainly has. I had no idea Ryan had this going on in his life. I knew about his father, and I knew how much Ryan didn’t fit in with the expectations on him, but this is the first time I’ve realised there was a reason he didn’t kiss me back that night. ‘What happened?Didyou sort it out?’
‘Eventually. It only took me five years and an engagement.’
‘What?’ I yank my hand out of his. ‘You actually went through with it?’
‘No. I stopped it before it went that far. You don’t understand how ill my father got, Fee. It was the only thing that made him happy. I honestly thought refusing would kill him.’ He shoves a hand through his hair and sighs, his eyes lingering on mine before he eventually looks away and walks around the tree, going to stand by the barrier and look out at the sea.
I’m lost with how I should feel. I’m hurt that Ryan had this thing in his life that I didn’t know about. It changes the friendship I always thought we had. ‘You should have told me. You didn’t have to deal with that alone. I could have helped.’
I avoid Baaabra’s snoring form and walk around the tree to lean on the barrier next to Ryan.
‘Then I’d have had to tell you how I felt about you. And that was the second reason …’ He lifts his head and looks me directly in the eyes. ‘You deserved better than me.’
The sentence takes the wind right out of my sails. ‘What?’
‘This is a prime example of why. I wasn’t brave enough to stand up to my father. You deserved someone stronger than me, someone who didn’t have all the family baggage that I had. Someone who would put you first. And at that time, Icouldn’tdo that. And believe me, I’ve regretted it for every moment of my life since then because you left thinking I didn’t feel the same, and that wasn’t true, but I reasoned with myself that it was for the best, because you deserved a chance to go out and live your dreams and see the world, and if I’d kissed you back and explained everything, it might’ve made you stay, and that wasn’t what you wanted.’
‘What about you, Ry?Youwanted to travel. You wanted to see the world. You wanted to live in a bustling city, and go on holiday to New York, and drive around France in a campervan, and walk on the beach in Bali, and eat dinner at the top of the Tokyo Tower—’
‘Exactly. And I knew I never would. When we talked about where we wanted to go, showed each other photos of all these amazing destinations, they were possibilities for you. They were only pipe dreams for me. I knew I’d be stuck here. I was destined to take over the family business, to live here in Lemmon Cove, nowhere else. I couldn’t hold you back. When my father had that heart attack, it changed everything. I was barely in my twenties, and it catapulted me to the head of his company – something I hadn’t intended to become until much later in my life, not until after I’d had a chance toliveit. I’ve never once regretted taking over Sullivan’s Seeds because it led to meeting you, but it happening so young, so unexpectedly … It changed all of my plans for the future. Of all people,youknow how much I was out of my depth.’
‘But that was your own lack of confidence. That wasnothowIsaw you. Yeah, you’d been thrust into a business you knew nothing about, but you faced the challenge head-on. You learnt. You were innovative and ambitious. You breathed life into a stuffy old company. You made every day better. When it really mattered, you had a backbone of steel. The gruff old farmers who’d been growing for your father for years and were set in their ways … They wereawfulto you, and you took everything good-naturedly, but when it came down to it, you stood up to them kindly and firmly and left them with no doubt that they would be doing things your way from then on.’
‘And then you had to make me a cup of tea to calm down because I was shaking so much.’
I grin at the memory. ‘But you did it anyway. You were exceptional, Ryan. I wished I could be more like you.’
The sarcastic, disbelieving laugh he lets out cuts through me like a physical pain. Maybe it was more about his lack of confidence than he let on. On the surface, Ryan was funny and buoyant, but I was the only person who saw when he was hesitant and unsure, who understood that he rambled to cover nerves, sang stupid Nineties songs as a distraction or did stupid dances to wake himself up when he was knackered after being up working until all hours or unable to sleep for worrying about his father’s health.
‘You must think I’m stupid for never leaving. Even after I lost the business, I had to stay here and pick up the pieces. It went under because of me. I was too young, too inexperienced; I made bad business decisions and it caught up with me.’
‘The cucurbitacin poisoning was no one’s fault. No one knows how that happens or how to prevent it.’
He shakes his head. ‘That’s just one thing, Fee. One failure in a long line of failures I was responsible for. Wrong investments, bad suppliers, unreliable buyers. I couldn’t wreck the family business and then swan off into to the sunset. My family had no income. It was my responsibility to fix the mess I’d made. The one thing I couldn’t fix was us – the mess I’d made of losing you.’
‘You could’ve got in touch. No matter how many years had gone by. I thought I’d read you so wrongly. I was so sure we were more than friends.’
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Fee. I was trying to do what I thought was right in the wrong way.’ He drops his head down onto his arms. ‘God, ofcoursewe were more than friends. I could barely keep my hands off you. How many times daily did I find an excuse for a hug? I dragged you to every business meeting possible because I hated being away from you. You were the highlight of every single day. I nearly kissed you so many times.’
‘Inearly kissedyouso many times! And that one night, it was a now-or-never moment, and I thought I’d regret it forever if I let it pass …’ I say to the sea instead of looking at him.
