Page 53 of Snowflakes at the Little Christmas Tree Farm
I can’t imagine him like that. He seems so strong, solid, and dependable. He’s good-natured and fun to be around even when he’s being grumpy. ‘What made you come back?’
‘Mum had a fall and needed help with the farm. She called me at work, and I was having a really bad day. I was in such a flap that I seriously thought the stress was going to kill me, and she said she’d fallen out in the fields and broken her hip and ankle. Evergreene had found her and got her to hospital, and was sending his workers over because she couldn’t do the physical farm work while she recuperated. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t work out what the hell I was doing there, playing with money for people whoclearlydidn’t need any more of it, and hating every second. I suddenly realised my mum was old, alone, and in need of help, and I hadn’t been home in over ten years.’
‘Is this where the girl you brought back comes in?’
He lets out a laugh. ‘I’m glad to see Fergus and Fionadon’tgossip about me at every chance they get.’
I can’t help giggling too. ‘They may have mentioned it. Once or twice.’
I’m too close to see him blush, but I can feel the heat emanating from his face. ‘And yeah, there was a girl. I thought she was in love with me, and that I wasn’t so closed off and cold that I was capable of loving someone too. With hindsight, I basically paid her to love me. I had money to spare because it was a well-paid job and I never had a chance to spend anything other than the rent. I hardly ever saw her because I was working so much and so bone-crushingly exhausted the rest of the time. I’d give her a call whenever I had an hour free, and then make the mistake of sitting down for a minute, and I’d be unconscious on the sofa by the time she arrived. I was handing her money to make up for it. It would be like, “You’ve come all this way and I can barely open my eyes. Pay for a cab home and here’s a little extra to treat yourself to something nice because you’ve got such a crap boyfriend.” Sometimes I’d have a Sunday afternoon out of the office and we’d go for a walk, but Ineverput my phone away. I’d constantly be online, watching the stock market, emailing clients, taking calls, and she’d be waiting for me outside a shop with a pretty dress in the window, and I’d feel so bad that I’d send her in to buy it and whatever else she wanted.’
‘Fergus and Fiona said she took advantage of you.’
‘Oh, to be a fly on the wall in that market.’ He laughs again. ‘Looking back now, I can see that I was an emotional wreck and it wasn’t really love, but at the time, I was head-over-heels, and I could somehow convince myself I was normal because I had a girlfriend.’
My fingers rub the fleshy part at the base of his thumb. I love that he trusts me enough to open up, because I get the feeling it’s not something he does very often.
‘I don’t know what I was thinking asking her to come back here with me. She thought it was a joke at first. I made the decision in an instant. Within five minutes of hanging up the phone to Mum, I’d put my resignation letter on my boss’s desk and walked out. I hadn’t shared any part of my life with her before then, she’d had no idea that I’d grown up on a farm or that my dad was dead, it came as quite a shock. And yes, I donowsee how unhealthy the relationship was, but I thought we were in love. I knew I hadn’t treated her right in London, and this was going to be a fresh start for us, a new life away from the distractions of the city. I thought that was what she wanted. I thoughtIwas what she wanted.’
I move from stroking his palm to playing with his slack fingers, trying to be bold enough to slot mine between his and properly hold his hand.
‘Once we got here, I changed instantly. The invisible weight I’d been struggling under lifted the moment we crossed the border into Scotland. I’d been running away for years. I’d always felt like I was trying to outrun something in London, a crushing steel fist of the grief I’d never acknowledged. Here, everything felt right for the first time in years. I slotted back in like I’d never been away, but all she wanted to do was go shopping. She didn’t seem to realise that I wasn’t earning the money I’d had before or that there wasn’t a Harvey Nicks five minutes down the road. I kept trying to get her involved, but she hated every inch of it. It was like she was humouring me, waiting for me to come to my senses and go back to London. I see how it looked like she was taking advantage, but I felt like I’d ruined her life by bringing her here. I tried to make up for it by paying for treats and days out shopping and spa days, but the farm needed investment and what was left of what I’d earned in London had to go on that. When the money ran out, she realised that it was the only thing she’d ever liked about me and left. Turns out that everlasting true love is about as deep as the bottom of my bank balance.’
This time I do slot my fingers between his and his hand closes around mine. ‘I’m sorry, Noel. That’s horrible.’
He shrugs. ‘The only surprising thing was how hurt I was. Somehow I never saw it coming. I’d fooled myself into thinking I was okay because someone loved me, and then I had to face the fact that I’d got so lost along the way that my bank balance was the only thing anyone could possibly like about me.’
I squeeze his hand so tightly that I’m sure I hear a few bones crick. ‘Either you’re seeing something that I’m not or you’re very different now.’
I feel his face move against my shoulder as he grins. ‘It was ten years ago. I’ve had a lot of time to straighten myself out. You know how people pay for therapists and stuff?’
I nod, my cheek moving against his hair.
‘Trees are surprisingly good listeners and digging over fields is therapeutic work. Evergreene was ten years older than when I’d left, so was my mum, they both needed help, and it’s good outdoor, fresh air, physical work. It helped. Also, Chihuahuas. Chihuahuas are good.’
I can’t help chuckling at the sentiment. Gizmo would approve.
‘Peppermint Branches is a strange place. You can hide from the world here, but at the same time, you can’t escape the world here. There’s a whole other life that exists only in our Elffield bubble, and you have no choice about being part of it.’
‘Because if you back away, Fergus and Fiona will come along and ply you with gingerbread rhinoceroses and village gossip?’
His entire body shakes as he laughs.
‘The weird part is that I understand what you mean, and in a strange way, I think it might be exactly what I need. I’ve definitely been hiding from the world.’
He looks up at me but I close my eyes and keep my head pressed against his to avoid eye contact.
‘Maybe you need a different world,’ he says eventually. ‘I think when someone you love dies, it changes you. Not on the surface, but deep down inside, there’s a part of you that will never be the same again. What you know doesn’t “fit” anymore. I can’t pretend to know how it feels to lose both parents in the way you did. I’d guess that you do whatever you have to do to get from one day to the next, and the only thing you have to cling onto is the hope that one day it will get better.’
I swallow around the lump that has suddenly leapt into my throat. ‘You’ve got to stop being so nice, you’re going to make me cry again in a minute.’
His fingers curl around mine and his grip on my hand tightens. I expect him to suddenly realise we’re holding hands and do the abruptly jumping up thing, but he doesn’t. ‘Fiona happened to mention you’d been in a relationship with someone who didn’t treat you right.’
‘Oh, she did, did she? I never said that. Her and Fergus have put two and two together and got a mince pie there.’
‘Have they?’ He looks up, forcing me to catch his eyes. His tongue wets his lips, and I have never wanted to cup someone’s face and kiss them so badly, no matter how impossible the angle. ‘Go on, your turn. Tell me about you.’
I groan, even though I’m kind of touched that he wants to know, and honestly, I’d listen to a three-hour seminar on the history of waiting rooms if it meant we didn’t have to move from this spot. ‘I got into a thing with my boss. It wasn’t even a relationship, not really, it was just nice to feel wanted again. It was nice to feelanythingagain, and he knew that. I was so lonely, and secret clandestine meetings with him gave me something in my life, no matter how pathetic. Everyone in the office knew what had happened to my parents and everyone treated me like I was fragile and liable to burst into tears at any moment.’
