Page 77 of When Sinners Rise
“Is anyone hungry?” Willow questions as we step inside.
“I, um… Thank you. I just want to go and lie down.” I squeeze her hand and pull it free from my grasp.
“Of course. It’s been… Well, we can have breakfast tomorrow. Hopefully, you’ll sleep through any jet lag.”
I glance at Landon, waiting for him to add anything, but he doesn’t. His eyes look tired, too.
“Miri, wait,” Naja calls.
I shake my head. “No. I can’t do anything else right now. I just want to be on my own.” She looks awkward, as if she doesn’t know what to do, and for a split second, I think back to how I felt watching her drive away. “Tomorrow,” I offer as I go up the stairs to shut the door on everything.
~
“Miri?” Naja calls.
“I’m going out.”
“Please. You’ve hardly spoken to me since we came back.”
I take a deep breath. She’s right. After we all got back, we went to bed, and when we woke up, it was like no one wanted to speak. Like opening the wound after the healing has already started. The problem is, there’s anger, resentment, and heartbreak all trapped under the surface, and not letting it out will only mean those emotions fester and spread and turn everything rotten.
The days have just run along, nobody wants to look too closely at the wreckage around us.
“I’m not sure what to say,” I murmur, still looking at the door.
“Why are you treating me like the enemy here? We’re back, we’re safe.” She grabs my arm and turns me toward her. “We don’t need to be afraid anymore.”
“I know. I’m trying, but… it feels like so much has changed.”
“Don’t shut me out. For the first time since this all started, we have options. We could go back home. Properly home. Get our lives back on track.” A light is back in her eyes, and the darkness and bruising are already fading. It’s a relief to see that she’s getting back to the Naja I remember.
I continue to stare at her and smile. “I don’t know what that looks like anymore.” I need to be honest with her. “Perhaps, before, it was easier to see that I didn’t have a home here or family. With you gone, I clung to the idea of getting you back. That was the most important thing. Everything else was just background noise. But life did go on around me, Naja. I made friends, I have a job, even my own place.” I pull her towards the bench in the corner of the hallway and sit down. “I’d like to try and find our way here before making any decisions. I’ve never allowed myself to live and be happy. How could I? But maybe now I can, and I think I owe it to myself to try. I’ve taken a lot of things for granted, and it’s time to stop.”
Shaw’s words stick in my mind, like so many times since we’ve been back. In fact, he’s never been far from my thoughts at all. I’ve swapped one unknown for another. Naja may be safe and sound now, but what about him?
Her face drops, and her eyes look to the floor. It’s not what she wanted to hear. “But you can go back. Landon helped make sure the house was looked after. I… didn’t want to gowithout you. Leaving felt like giving up.” I nod at Naja and stand, hoping she’ll understand. In many ways, our roles have switched since the last time we were here, but I can’t get sucked into the past. I need to live for myself and my future. “I’m sorry.” She doesn’t say anything or come after me.
Maybe I’ve given her enough to think about.
~
The workout with Neil isn’t enough. I feel this trapped energy inside me like it’s desperate to get free, only I can’t access it.
Today was the first time I bumped into Tally in the gym. She was over the moon to see me, her optimism and happy spirit still intact. She didn’t question my absence but told me off for ghosting everyone. A big apology and a hug, rare and unheard of from me, seemed to win her over, and it made the drive back to Earlwood lighter. It’s time I should get back to my apartment, but I’ve not had the guts to visit it yet. How can I after everything that happened there?
Walking in the door, Naja is waiting to ambush me.
“Miri, can we talk? I know we left things this morning, but you’ve not heard me.”
“Yes, I have. Repeating anything isn’t going to change my mind. You need to listen to me.”
“But maybe now we’re back together, going home will be better for you and for us. We can go back to things before all of this and be a family again.”
“No. Don’t you see? I don’t want that, Naja.” I repeat the words in Danish so she really hears me.
“We’ve come so far. Both of us. I won’t leave you. Not again.” Naja’s face turns cold and determined. She’s still not listening, and I know how stubborn she can be.
“You did what you thought was best—to keep me safe,” I start, “but you can’t change what happened after you made that choice. Fate gave me the same deal as you—I met someone who might have looked like a monster, but really, he was my salvation.”
