Page 80 of The Fallen
“And what if I wasn’t here? If I’d booked a Caribbean island instead?”
“Then I’d be waiting for you there.”
“Seriously?” My voice squeaks as my lips split into the biggest grin. I don’t care how stalkerish it sounds. To me, this is Noah’s idea of romance, and right now, it’s the best thing he could say to me.
He leans down but pauses just a fraction before kissing me with a heat that makes it hard for me to remember my last thought.
“You know I’m here to relax. Visit the beach … Relax,” I repeat. Both things aren’t very Noah at all. Especially the latter.
“I won’t get in your way.”
I pull back, confused. “No, that’s not what I mean. Rather, I hoped … you were here to spend time with me?” The question comes out as a plea.
This is the type of confusion that exists between us. Noah will show up when I go for coffee and join me. He’ll visit, mostly unannounced, maybe spend the night, then leave. And I visit him, but I always feel like there’s a question over the permanence of what we’re doing. I never want him to go after we’ve been together or he’s spent the night, but he always does. And I don’t know why, considering if I’d have picked him, we’d be living together now.
It’s part of the reason I wanted to get away. It’s hard to have a relationship with a man when you’re sure you’re in love but aren’t sure of his feelings regarding the same sentiment, or if he’s truly forgiven you for not choosing him the first time.
“Where you go, I go. I thought you understood that,” he says.
“Like my bodyguard?” I scrunch up my nose.
“No. As your … partner, boyfriend, whatever. I don’t like terms, but there’s no fucking way you’re going to another country without me. So if that means beaches and sun and shit, I’m good with that.”
“So, this is a holiday, together?”
“I guess. Without the tea and the poisoning this time.”
I smile, my heart racing in my chest, and stand on my tiptoes to kiss him as hard as I can.
~
I dig my toes into the sand and let the winter sun warm me. The beach is quiet, thanks to the time of year, but Noah looks anything but relaxed. He’s fidgeting, lying down, then sitting up. In the water, out of it. Huffing. Back to the water again and grumbling to himself about something.
“What’s the matter?” I smirk.
“Nothing.”
“It’s okay if this isn’t your thing, Noah. It won’t offend me that you don’t like lounging around at the beach.” I’m used to my own company and like to check out now and again. Listening to the sound of the water lapping at the shore is soothing and methodic at the same time, but we all have different tastes.
“I can think of a few other things to relax. All more enjoyable than this.” He runs his forefinger along my leg, starting at my ankle, trailing up to my knee, and then to the edge of my swimsuit.
“You’re insatiable. We’ve only been out of the apartment for a few hours.”
“I like my home comforts.”
“I’m a home comfort now?” I sit up and look at him, annoyed by his own smirk on his face. With his mirrored glasses on, I can’t see his eyes, but right now, with his shirt off, that’s not where I’m looking.
“Well, you could be. If you moved in with me.”
“I’m sorry … just, just repeat that last thing?” I look at him with a giddy smile on my face.
“You heard. I’ve already repeated myself.”
“Before we go down this road, are you sure? Because …” I tail off because, honestly, the words I want to hear aren’t words that he’s likely to say.
Silence lingers for a few moments, and he casts his view out to the water, sighing. It isn’t the sort of sound I want to hear, and I look at my towel rather than push him any further. I should be pleased that he’s asked me, considering the blazing row we had when I turned him down. But those extra words would mean so much more.
“It still means something, Neve. You do. Thought you’d have worked that shit out by now. I’m here, offering again. I’m wherever you want me to be, and I’m even fucking there when you don’t want me to be. You might not know I am, but I am, you know?”
