Page 86 of Tortured Eyes
“You said I wasn’t damn well welcome if I couldn’t abide by his rules.”
“And you ran off to Vico, for what? Revenge?”
“I didn’t run. I went where someone gave a damn about my opinion. For fucking years I was nothing but a bellboy under Carter. He’s not even your goddamn blood and-”
“Cut that shit out, Logan. Now. You want to blame someone, blame me. You were young, dumb, and thought with your dick. You’d be nothing now without his guidance, and you damn well know it. Don’t stand there and pretend you didn't look up to him or learn from him. Stop being a stubborn ass fool.”
“Screw this.” I spin to walk away again, only to feel him grab hold of me and haul me back into his arms. I freeze, part of me not knowing what the hell to do next.
“I always gave a damn about your opinion. I just didn’t want to see you killed for it,” he murmurs, squeezing me tighter.
His hand goes to the back of my head as I try to pull away, his cheek resting against the side of mine. “How did you feel when you held Nate in your arms? That’s what I never wanted, for you or Carter. Out, Logan. You both safe and alive.” I tense again, trying to push at his chest. He doesn't let me move a goddamned inch. “Maybe now you love something you’ll understand.”
I don’t know what the hell that means, but he eases off a touch, both hands coming to the side of my face. It’s only when he backs off half a step that I realise he’s got tears in his eyes, the weathered lines of his face filled with nothing but concern.
“Love hasn’t got anythi-”
“Yes, it damn well has. You made me watch you grow under Vico from a distance, kept me out of your life any way you could. Don't tell me my love for you means nothing.” He softens his hands, his fingers slipping from my face as he sighs. “I still watched, you know. Still made sure the rumours and whispers kept coming back to me so I could be part of it with you. Jesus, you’re so much like I was. Full of attitude. No rule containing you. I’m not surprised Vico loved you for it. You’re everything my own set of morals would have turned you into if I didn’t give a fuck about you staying alive.”
He turns and looks up at the sky, his hands sinking into his pockets. "Carter was so much easier than you. He followed directions, did as he was told. You?" He shakes his head, a smile on his face. "From the moment you were born, you challenged everything I said. I just tried not to do to you what my father did to me, Logan. That’s all. I didn't want you thinking that a gun and power was all there was."
“Why the hell didn't you just say that then?”
“You never let me. Too riled up to see me as anything but the enemy all the damn time, and too stubborn to come home when it was too late. I don’t blame you for it. I would have reacted the same way. Guess I hoped you had a little more of your mother in you and that you’d see sense.” He turns back to look at me, his stare focused on the blood on my shirt. “But here you are, all Cane and no fucks given. New York under your belt now. Couldn’t be prouder if I tried. How’s your shoulder?”
"What?"
"Mine hurt like a bitch there. I was with Vico when it happened. At Mama's."
I sigh, some part of me accepting that they were close once. At least friends if not close. “It's painful," I grumble out in reply.
“What about your heart?”
“What the hell has my heart got to do with anything?”
“Well, I’m assuming you took the rap for a cop because you’re in love with her.”
It’s my turn to turn away from him. I’m not admitting that even if it might be true. I start wandering, eyes looking up at the skyscrapers and sentiment making me wonder what all this pain between us has been for.
“Feisty little thing,” he calls.
For the first time in Christ knows how long a smile spreads on my face, imagining her up at the house with him. Guess she must have got some digs in while she was there, perhaps even threw her badge around in his face.
“You didn’t think an onside woman would have been better for you?” he asks.
“She is onside. Kind of.” Or maybe not. I don't know yet.
“Can’t see how you’re gonna make it work in all honesty.” No, neither can I.
“When did she come to see you?”
“About half an hour after she left the station. She tried her best to stay calm about the situation. Didn’t last long. She was quite insistent I step in to save your ass. What the fuck is wrong with you? Giving a cop your access codes?”
“You didn’t have them. They’re unbreakable.”
“You’re right. They are. I’ve tried.”
I nod; I always knew he would have. Maybe that’s what fathers do, never give up trying even when the odds are stacked against them. “Your mother wants to see you. She has things to discuss with you, and she deserves you giving her some respect even if you can’t give it to me.” I nod at that, too. I’m not sure how I feel about him, or this situation yet, but he’s right about her.
