Page 98 of Tortured Eyes
He chuckles at my remark. “So, you feel like it’s a choice between Logan and your job?”
I look to the side, frowning. “No. The job is more of a disappointment. That’s my decision, and I need to make that independent of him. I won’t let him dictate what I do with my life. It’s my choice, after all, my conscience that I’ll have to live with every day. But do I choose Logan?”
“So, your conflict is solely around being with Logan?” It’s Samuel’s turn to look quizzical.
“I think so. I was jealous and upset when he told me he was leaving to go back to New York, and to you.” I wait to see how Samuel takes this, but he waits for me to carry on as if he knows there’s more. “I guess I wanted him to want to be with me.”
“Relationships, especially with people like Logan Cane, are complicated.”
“But how does that work? He’s been very honest with me about you. As much as he won’t give you up.”
“Yet, he wants you in his life as well.”
“Did he tell you that?” My voice rises in hope, unsure of what that will tell me over what I already know.
“You’re here. Looking for answers. With me. I assume you have your own parish priest to talk to for guidance should you need it. Why come to me, Bryce?”
“How does this work? Us? You and Logan are an anomaly in yourselves. I don’t understand your relationship, let alone mine.”
Samuel turns back to the window. “I’m not sure we can answer that, yet. I’m still unsure of how Logan and I work sometimes. Why don’t we go outside? Get some air.” He walks around and opens up the French doors onto the deck. A gust of wind sweeps up the salty air synonymous with the sea.
I don’t let the movement outside break the conversation. “You do, though. Work, I mean. Does Logan even know how to have a normal relationship?” I jest, trying to keep some lightness to the conversation. “Is he just collecting all the things he shouldn't have?”
“No. He isn't like that.”
“How can you be sure with what he’s done with me?” He's quiet for a few minutes,his gaze cast out over the expanse of sea and trees. I don't even know if he knows the entirety of what happened between Logan and me, but his consideration after the question makes me wonder.
“Do you love him?” he eventually asks.
I go to open my mouth, but if I’m truthful with myself, I’m not sure. I can’t say no because I do feel something for him. More than something. But love? “I’m not sure. Does that even make sense?”
“There are many ways to love, Bryce. They don’t have to be conventional or the norm. Love doesn’t discriminate, nor will it be bound. Believe me when I say this.”
“You fought your feelings for Logan?”
“I’m a priest, Bryce. And yet I love both God and Logan in equal measure. Do you believe I would have made rash or impulsive choices about something so consequential?” He looks at me in challenge, and I know that none of this would have been easy on him. Still isn’t. “And then he goes and fires a curveball. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I think I might even have been waiting for it.”
“Curveball?” I ask.
“You. Don’t forget, whatever you are going through with your considerations of Logan will have an impact on myself. Don't expect to have a simple fling or affair and then disentangle yourself from us when you’re done. Logan is possessive. Deep hearted. As am I.”
The warning is clear that venturing into this is not be treated lightly. At least that clears something up for me. It makes everything more meaningful. I just need to hear the same from Logan.
“Just to be clear, though, we won’t… I mean, you and me, us, it’s just that’s not…” My fingers wag back and forth between the two of us, looking to be sure he didn’t mean or imply that we’d all be involved in this together physically.
He smiles at me, at my unspoken question, and shakes his head. “No. I see our relationships as independent. Although, I doubt that Logan will have the same view."
He puts his arm around me, and I stiffen at the touch for a moment, before relaxing into him. It’s so rare that I feel comfort from anybody, but as my body acclimates to his touch, a part of this puzzle falls into place. Samuel will be someone to lean on, to help and guide me through this. Not just for today, but for the future as well. I won’t be lost in this alone.
Tears spike my eyes as I feel a sense of relief, and for the first time, I see something other than doubt or questions. My thoughts about Samuel were fleeting and held a jealous edge before. What girl wants to share the man she’s developed feelings for? But being with him now, a part of me can see that it won’t only be me sharing Logan, but Logan sharing Samuel, too. Somehow that makes all of this clearer. At least less confusing than it was when I arrived.
“Come on. I’ll take you down to the water. It’s not really a beach. More of a strip of sand and undergrowth, but it’s beautiful.”
Whatever it is, it sounds nice. Calming and relaxed.
And that's just what I need.
