Page 8 of Caught Looking
A promise I meant to keep, which was why none of this could work. I could never tell Hatuey his father had seen us kiss that night. That he’d told me I would ruin his son’s life, his family’s legacy if I went after him. That he knew I cared for Hatuey, and for that reason I could never let it happen again. And since then I’d kept my word. I’d told myself a thousand times that night was a fluke, a drunken mistake. That Hatuey didn’t see me like I saw him. That he’d kissed me on graduation night because we were both terrified of what was coming.
I was leaving for college in New York and he was staying in the DR. That he’d been nervous about what that meant for our friendship, and he’d kissed me after too many shots of tequila. That story had kept me going for all this time, but now the floodgates were open and I was trapped by a promise I never should’ve been asked to keep.
If I gave in to what I wanted with Hatuey, I’d betray the trust of a man who, other than that night, had always been kind to me. Who had welcomed me into his home when I’d been homesick and lost. But it wasn’t just that. If I broke my word, I’d have to tell Hatuey the truth. Hatuey worshipped his father. I’d do anything not to hurt my best friend like that, even if it meant denying myself what I’d yearned for most in life: Hatuey Sanchez in my bed forever.
Today was going to be hell if I didn’t figure out how to keep it together. We’d be in each other pockets for the next twelve hours between our plans and the gala. Although it wasn’t as bad as that, Iwaslooking forward to some of it. We were going to see an arts and sports camp I was paying for but that he’d set up with the help of one of his college friends. I groaned at the idea of seeing Hatuey running around in a field, with a bright smile on his gorgeous face. But it would be nice to visit the kids.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I quickly answered it, needing a distraction. I perked up when I saw it was my old hookup and now good friend, Juan Pablo Campos. Juanpa never lost an opportunity to bust my balls about my “hundred-year crush,” but I was desperate to unload on someone and he would do.
“What’s good, pa? You around this weekend?” That was code forare you down to fuck later, and I dearly wished I could at least muster up some interest. But my dick seemed dead set on ruining my life.
I shook my head as I looked at the door Hatuey would come through. “No, I’m in the island this weekend. And I thought you and Priscilla had patched things up.”
“Nope, apparently I fucked up again, and now I’m single and available.” If I didn’t know him better I would’ve totally bought the unbothered tone in his voice. Among the other things that we had in common, Juan Pablo and I shared the shittastic luck of having fallen head over heels for people we couldn’t have. So J was probably as pressed as I was at the moment, but that didn’t stop him from getting up in my business. “You there by yourself?” he asked like the nosy asshole he was.
I made a sound that was more or less a no, and ran a hand over my face as I tried to figure out what to say about my current situation. “I’m here with Hatuey.”
“Oh, El Hombre Perfecto’s along for the trip. How bad are you pining right now?” Juan Pablo was a good friend, but could also be a real shit. Still, he was the one person who understood how complicated things were for me with Hatuey, him having his own struggles with the love of his life. With J and Priscilla it seemed like they could never manage to stay friends. For me it was that I could never leaved the friend zone. Until this week.
I had to get this out of my system with someone. I hadn’t felt like I could talk to our mutual friends. It would be too awkward, or worse, they’d try to make me talk to Hatuey about it. But I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t get this off my chest. I needed some fucking advice, and ASAP.
I gripped the phone so hard it squeaked, and my mouth was dry as a fucking desert but somehow was able to get the words out. “We had sex.”
“Uh, I know, that’s why I was calling you.” You’d think all this fucking baseball money I was making could buy me one decent friend.
“You’re not funny. And I meant Hatuey, cabron.”
Juan Pablo, who seemed permanently unbothered, actually sputtered when I shared the news. “Whaaaaaat? And you didn’t say anything?”
“We haven’t talked, genius. And besides, what was I going to say?” I asked, feeling a little put off by how unbelievable he seemed to find the whole thing.
“Uh, maybe that you finally got busy with the dude you’ve been obsessed with since high school.”
“I wouldn’t say obsessed,” I protested.
“Iwould!” This was why my life was the way it was. I surrounded myself with pain-in-the-ass men. I didn’t even respond, just gritted my teeth and waited for him to run his mouth again, because I was out of ideas for this fiasco and J was a jackass, but he was resourceful when it came to fuckboi tactics. “Yariel, even when we were hooking up on the regular—all we did was talk about Hatuey and Priscilla. I know you’re in a bad way, because it takes one to know one, bruh.”
I sighed, feeling some of the tension seeping out of me, hearing Juanpa’s naked honesty. “It’s just getting too messy, and I should’ve never gone along with it.”
“What happened? Is he acting different? Are you having second thoughts?” he asked incredulously, probably because all I did was talk about how I’d give my left nut to be Hatuey’s man and now that it was an actual possibility I was a full on mess.
I laughed, and it sounded as desperate as I felt. “Yeah, he’s definitely different, except not how you’d think. He’s gone from zero to sixty on me. I expected him to be all freaked out, but he’s just fucking rolling with it.”
“Wait, so the man you love and thought was straight is not so much, and now you have exactly what you’ve always wanted…but it’s a problem?” He sounded legitimately confused and I could not blame him. “You’re making my head hurt, man.”
“I can’t start hooking up with Hatuey. Youknowwhy.” One particularly drunken night when Hatuey had cancelled on me to go see a girl he’d been talking to, I spilled my guts to Juan Pablo about the kiss and my pathetic decade-long crush.
J’s scoff should’ve pissed me off, but instead I just felt grateful that I had someone to hear me out. “Right, your sacrificial lamb routine. The guy’s dad told you when you wereeighteennot to fuck his kid. What does that have to do with right now? You’re both grown-ass adults. Who cares if his dad isn’t into his son liking dick?”
“Those people were good to me, treated me like family when I was in the DR.” I shook my head, nausea swirling in my belly just imagining their faces when Hatuey told him.
The teeth sucking from Juanpa did get me a little heated, because he was acting like he didn’t know exactly what it could mean for a Dominican man to come out to his family.
“I get that you’re a big-dicked All-Star athlete and shit, but you don’t actually run the entire fucking world, Yariel. You got a man that you love…”
I made a noise that was something between and protest and a plea at the mention of the L word, but J kept talking. “No, you love him as a friend and more than that. And he’s a good guy who loves you enough to be open to exploring a new path in your relationship, even when it was probably not how he envisioned things. And stop with this family bullshit. Hatuey is an adult—if he wants to be with you, he can tell his familyor not, and however they choose to take it is their problem, not yours.”
My heart lurched from J’s words. The sick feeling of wanting something and hating myself for it at the same time felt like a storm raging inside me. I wished I could take everything he’d just said and run with it. To be selfish and snatch what I’d wanted for so long. But I couldn’t risk believing I would get him and then have him walk away when the choice was his family or me.
