Page 49 of Brood
Dr. Cameron is pulling my knees apart. Inserting the speculum. Widening it to stretch me open.
A couple of tears stream out of my eyes and down into my hair. I might vomit.
Will promised he’d be with me for this.
But he doesn’t come.
* * *
I leave the room forty minutes later, limping and shaking and still slightly dizzy. I don’t yet know if I’m pregnant or not.
And Will never showed up.
I round the corner of the hallway and nearly run into someone waiting for me.
For a moment, my heart jumps. Maybe it’s finally Will. Maybe they kept him out of the clinic, and he’s been here waiting for me.
But no. It’s Bella.
Not Will.
Sheremembered me. She cares about how the appointment went. Will apparently doesn’t.
Bella is smiling at first, but her expression sobers as she scans my face and body. “Oh no. You’re not pregnant?”
“He doesn’t know yet. He has to wait for the results of the blood test. Either late today or tomorrow morning.”
“Okay.” Her eyebrows pull together. “What’s the matter, then? Something is wrong.”
“It’s…it’s nothing.”
She puts her hands on my shoulders. “Cadence, what happened? Did he do something to you?”
“N-no. It was…normal.” On the last word, I burst into tears.
She pulls me into her arms and lets me cry.
Maybe I don’t have Will, but I have her.
* * *
Fortunately, I planned ahead today and saved my shower until after the exam. When I return to our quarters, I drag off my clothes as I walk, drop them on the floor, and step under the spray in an attempt to wash the afternoon away.
When my ten minutes are done, I put on clean clothes and collapse on one of the lounges in the fetal position, waiting for Will and struggling to shake off the aftermath of that exam.
It shouldn’t have been any worse than all the other ones I’ve had in my life. Nothing different happened in the procedure itself. But it felt worse. It felt awful. Like an invasion. Torture.
And all the worse because Will let me down.
I talked it over with Bella after I stopped crying earlier. We agreed that he probably had something legitimate with work come up that prevented him from attending. He wouldn’t have forgotten about it. That’s not like him at all.
But Bella and I also agreed that my reaction proves I’m too emotionally dependent on him. It’s fine to like and trust one’s spouse, but I can’t fall apart completely every time he’s not there to hold my hand.
It’s my fault. I’ve always been too emotional. I can still try to be a good spouse to him. We can go through life together and make babies.
But I can’t continue feeling like this. Like the foundation has been yanked out from under my feet.
I might not be naturally gifted in detachment, but I need to try in this the way I’ve tried with everything else in my life.
