Page 23 of Her Wicked Knights
It's stupid, I'm sure, to feel whatever the hell this is... this random sensation that comes and goes and stabs me every time I see her hanging on his neck, grinding her ass against his front, making fluttery eyelashes at him. If I didn't know any better, I'd think it was jealousy that's got me feeling like this... like my throat is closing. But it would be stupid to be jealous of them; I don't want Colton like that.
My eyes slide from the two of them on the dance floor to Tripp, who's finally been dragged out onto the dance floor by Rev. They look good out there, unbothered, like they're having the time of their life. It's nice to see Tripp smiling, even if he does sort of look like he wants to strangle Rev for forcing him to do this. He's been strange ever since my sister broke up with his brother, and our dynamic shifted. I don't know if we will ever again bewhat we used to... I don't know if there's even space for that to happen.
The truth is, I probably haven't been the best friend to him, and it shows in how close he's gotten to Rev. It's like where the three of us used to exist, there's no longer a space for me. Rev's been a better friend to him, I suppose, so I shouldn't be bothered by it. I shouldn't be bothered by any of it. And yet, it feels like someone's punched me in the gut every time I watch them laughing over a joke I'm not in on, or every time I see other girls watching them longingly, or when Audrey throws herself into Colton's arms. I used to have such dynamic friendships... now some days, I feel like all I have is Jake.
That should be enough. Sometimes it feels like it is.
Other times, I feel like I lost myself somewhere, and I don't know how to get back to her.
This is supposed to be a happy night, so why do I feel sonothappy? I feel... worthless. Like I could disappear, and no one would even notice.
I swallow back the tears that I refuse to let fall and scan the room for Jake, knowing that he'll pull me out of this funk without me ever having to say a word about it. But he's nowhere to be seen, and as Audrey's laugh rings out through the ballroom and I catch a glimpse of Haley Danvers with her arms wrapped around Tripp and Rev, I can't stay here.
I move fast, afraid that I'll betray myself if I stand and watch everyone for a moment longer. The door ahead of me calls like a beacon, and I make a dash for it, needing the solace of the night to help me shake off whatever the hell is wrong with me.
Some days, I feel like there's something wrong with me... like I'm missing something vital. Some days I feel like I'm broken, and it fucking hurts... especially because I'm too aware of the fact that a good friend would just want the people she cares about to be happy. I shouldn't want my friends to be sad when I'm notthere, shouldn't want them to be dependent on me, shouldn't want to feel so needed by them. And yet, I do.
Maybe it started when my sister left for college like her ass was on fire. Maybe it started before, when she started dating Axel and became so obsessed with him that she never seemed to have time for me. Regardless of where it came from, there's no denying that I have a deep need to be appreciated, to be loved. It's weird for someone who doesn't particularly like to be the center of attention.
"You can't go out there!" One of the chaperones warns, trying to move to block my exit as I stride to the door with my face ducked, like that will stop any tears from coming.
"Just need some fresh air." I murmur, not bothering to so much as slow down. "Or I'll be sick."
That seems to appease the chaperone, who looks like he wants nothing to do with my vomit on his shoes. He turns pointedly the other way, and I take advantage of his compliance to push my way out of the glass doors, out into the cool night.
With each step I take away from the door, I feel the weight inside of me unfurling, feel myself able tobreatheagain. The night is balmy, the perfect compromise between the heat of summer and the coming chill of fall.
I'm suddenly grateful that they didn't hold the dance in the school gymnasium, because just slipping out of the doors, finding myself in the center of the city I love, makes my problems seem so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
It's easy to forget when your entire life revolves around school and friends that there's more to it... that one day, this will all get left behind for something bigger and better. I don't want to leave my friends behind, and I don't want them to leave me behind. But out here alone, surrounded by large buildings and people going about their lives entirely unburdened by my existence, itsuddenly doesn't feel like a matter capable of suffocating me. I brace my hands on the wrought iron terrace. It's really more of a stoop, elevated from the rest of the street so that passersby can continue to move around the venue without having to cross into the space of guests.
I watch a couple walking by on the opposite side of the street, leaning into each other as they laugh, completely oblivious to the world around them, consumed by one another. They don't seem bothered by the people rushing by on either side of them.
Though we are in the city, we're not directly in the heart of it. This street is a little more idyllic, set away from the hustle and bustle a few traffic stops away, with its small shops and cafes, a bakery and a candle store. If I didn't know any better, I'd think we were back in Serenity Hollow. The bars are far enough away that the school dance committee was able to appeal when we first tried to get the dance moved to a proper venue.
Breathing in the newfound sense of peace, I let my eyes close and focus on how good it feels... to be alone, but not lonely. Just ten minutes prior, I was alone in a crowded room and felt like there was a belt cinching around my chest. Now, everything is better.
I was being ridiculous, and now that I realize it, I can make a choice to let it go. That's what mom always says; we have to let go of the energy that doesn't serve us. And whatever weird energy that was in there? It didn't serve me.
When I finally open my eyes, my head is still tilted back. I don't know how long it's been- my soul feels refreshed, unburdened. And as I find myself staring up at an inky night full of twinkling stars, the peace deepens. I let my eyes close again, thinking again of how small I am, how minuscule all of my problems are in the grand scheme of things, how they're all frivolous. In some ways, my life is perfect, and I need to do better to not forget that.
The peace is splintered abruptly when something whooshes by my face, followed immediately by the sound of glass shattering somewhere over my shoulder. My eyes fly open as I swivel, searching for the source of the noise, thinking perhaps that Jake slipped out to sneak up on me. There's no one outside with me, though I do see glass on the ground, glittering beneath the pale moonlight. I blink, studying the shards, the liquid spilling out onto the concrete patio... liquid that I now realize is covering me from where it splattered around me.
It's a... broken beer bottle.
Shocked, I turn back to the street, searching for an explanation.
I don't have to look hard to find one. The man staring at me from the street below the terrace sets an unease deep inside of my stomach, which sinks straight to my toes at the look of absolute hatred I find there.
He's a large man, bent with age, and as his gnarled beard suggests, maybe a hard life. "You!" He gasps.
I want to ask why he threw something at me, if he recognizes me somehow, why he seems to think I've done something to him. But I don't ask any of that, too stunned to get my brain to react.
"Witch!" The man yells, straightening to his full height like he's unfurling.
I manage a small step back, away from the railing, but I don't take my eyes from him... which turns out to be a good thing, because I don't know how else I'd explain what happens. The man lunges at me.
I watch him brace a hand on the railing and vault himself over it, and then he's upon me before I can even think to run.
