Page 23 of Keep Me Still
“Okay,” she says softly and I don’t miss the tremor in her voice. She’s fighting to keep her eyes dry, swallowing hard and waiting for me to explain. I take a deep breath and give it my best shot.
“My mom is leaving my dad. He’s a bastard, as you well know. And she’s had enough. ‘Bout fucking time right?” Air escapes my lungs in a snorted huff, but she doesn’t speak so I keep talking. “She’s going back to Colorado. Day after tomorrow. She had a job there and they want her back. She wants me to go with her, and Layla, honestly, I don’t want to. But my dad went pretty ballistic when she dropped the bomb. It’s not like I have a ton of options here.” Yanking my gloves off, I reach out to touch her. She flinches back so I rake my hands through my hair instead.
“When were you going to tell me?” she asks without looking at me. She’s staring at her hands and she’s that girl again. The one she was when I first got here, pulling into herself, throwing up walls. Back then they were brick; now they’re steel, double reinforced, impenetrable.
“Tonight. I wanted you to enjoy the parade. Then I was going to take you home and tell you and your aunt about my situation. Because this isn’t the end, babe. You know that, right? I want to talk with Kate about you coming to visit and maybe making the trip to meet halfway.”
“You know I don’t drive, Landen,” is all she says, and her voice is so empty I’m dying. It’s far, fuck, I realize that. But what I feel for this girl isn’t geographical. I’ve had that before.So long, see ya, it was fun. It’s all I’ve ever had. Until now. This isn’t that. And we’ve already both committed to UGA in the fall. As soon as my mom told me what was going on, I started looking for jobs I could get and apartments I could live in this summer so I could move back as early as possible.
But she’s acting like I just said I’m moving to the moon. And won’t be back. Ever.
“That’s what planes are for,” I say, begging her to smile with my eyes.
“You should probably head onto the hotel so you can pack.” The chill in her voice leaves me cold. No. Fuck this.
“Layla.” Her name is a plea on my lips, and I’m reaching out to grasp her face. I’ve waited—God knows I’ve waited—for her to be ready, but she needs to know how I feel and she needs to know now. Leaning closer, I breathe in her sweet scent, licking my lips in anticipation. But she jerks out of my grasp and scoots away from me.
“I’m ready to go home now.”
“No, dammit. Tell me what to do. You want me to stay? I’ll stay. I’ll sleep in my truck in the goddamn school parking lot.” Without my permission, my hands slam into the steering wheel. She flinches next to me and I feel like an asshole—like my dad. “This isn’t my choice,” I tell her, knowing I sound like a dick. But I’m out of ideas.
I watch as the silent figure of a girl next to me chews her bottom lip. It’s not fair—she’s pissed and hurt. I get it. But she’s punishing me for something I have no control over. Sort of. I’m eighteen. I’ve thought of refusing to go and trying to find a place of my own, getting a job. But what kind of time would I have for her then? None. And what if I lost my job, or my grades dropped and they rescinded my scholarship? She can’t see it now, but I do have plans of a future with her, and I’m still protecting those plans with everything I’m worth.
Until she sets them on fire and scatters the ashes out the window.
“It’s fine, Landen. I overreacted. Friends can live in different states—that’s what the Internet’s for, right?” She waves a hand in front of her, batting my heart out of the way. “But I’m tired, so I’d like to go home please.”
She forces her lips to smile, but I can see the pain in her eyes, as hard as she tries to hide it. We’re back there again, where we hide things from each other and pretend we don’t care.Friends.Fantastic.
WhenI pull into her driveway, my mind is flooded with irrational thoughts. I’ll tell her I love her, throw myself on the lawn and refuse to go, propose. Shit. Something. But she’s still stiff and non-responsive. Barely offering me half-hearted smiles and nods as I tell her about the scene at my house earlier today when my mom lost her shit and finally stood up for herself. For me. She’s not even listening. If I followed through on any of my crazy ideas, she’d probably just step over my body and go inside.
Maybe I misreadeverything. Maybe she really just needed me as a friend and that’s all it was. Is. Rusted razor blades skinning me alive would feel better than this. But no matter what happens tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever, I promise myself I will always be a friend to this girl if that’s what she wants. If she’ll have me.
I turn the key in the ignition to turn the truck off, but it’s not necessary. Layla leans over, giving me one last whiff of her and a peck on the check. She whispers, “Have a safe trip. I’ll miss you.” And then she’s out of my reach.
So long, see ya, it was fun.
What the hell?She’s out of the truck and at her door before I can form a complete thought.
I get out and cross the lawn just as she shuts the door behind her. She didn’t even look back.
Raising my hand to knock, I hear her aunt’s voice from the other side. “Layla? Jesus, what’s wrong?”
And then I hear it. Oh God. The sobbing sounds almost like an animal. An injured one. She held it in the whole way home but I broke her. I broke the girl I’d worked so hard to help. She didn’t cry when everyone at school treated her like a leper. Didn’t shed a single tear when she told me about her parents. And yet her cheek was damp the night she saw my dad hit me and she’s falling apart right this second.Because of me.Weakened by the realization that all I cause her is pain, I sit on her front steps with my head in my hands like a fucking lunatic. Because I can’t fix it this time. I won’t be around to pick up the pieces of her heart. Because I’m leaving. Like always.
Because you fuck everything up. When will you stop being so goddamn selfish? The Colonel’s message finally comes through loud and clear.
I’mloading the U-Haul in the hotel parking lot with Tuck when my phone buzzes in my pocket. Mom said the Colonel is having them shut off and we’ll get new ones as soon as we can afford it, but apparently mine still works. I’ve been planning all night what to say to Layla, how to make things right before I leave. Trying to figure out my options in case she asks me not to. Because if she so much as hints that she wants me to stay, that she needs me to, then I’m staying. But when I look at the screen and read the two words she’s sent in response to all my pathetic begging and pleading messages, there’s nothing left to say.
Goodbye Landen.
I can practically see her reaching up to touch her scar. Her permanent reminder of what I tried so hard to convince her wasn’t true. Only to turn around and prove that it is.Everyone can leave.
I stare at her message. I know what it is. It’s closure for her. The kind she’ll never have with her parents. I would’ve stayed, figured something out if she needed me. She doesn’t. So she’s letting me leave.
Layla and Landen’s story continues in the full-lengthNew Adult novel KEEP ME STILL.
For Landen
