Page 22 of Keep Me Still
“Easy,” he mumbles into my ear, the deep soft cadence of his voice sending a shockwave of pleasure vibrating through my core.
“I’m really not,” I say, twisting around so I can grin at him.
“Tell me about it,” he grumbles, squeezing me tighter around the waist.
I giggle as I turn back to watch the parade. Landen O’Brien has turned me into a girl that giggles. Wonders never cease. It’s cold out, colder than usual this time of year, but in Landen’s arms I’m warm. Safe. The safest I’ve felt since my parents held my hands moments before a stranger took them from me.
I’m so grateful for him in this moment that I barely stifle a shudder at the thought of how I almost lost him. Almost didn’t let him in. I tried to push him away after Homecoming. But he wouldn’t be pushed. He showed up every day to drive me to school. Stalked me to every doctor’s appointment. Okay, maybe not stalked, but showed up and refused to leave my side. Pestered me to death in class, until I couldn’t avoid him anymore. And then his own dark secret came out on Thanksgiving, and much to many a cheerleader’s dismay, I was his and he was mine.
I see the darkness in him, and the light, and I want it all. And tonight I’m going to tell him. That I love him and I’m ready. I want him to be my first kiss, and maybe when we’re both ready—or when I’m ready because I’m pretty sure he was ready likeyesterday—the first man I sleep with.
I’ve almost had two seizures since Homecoming. One when two sophomores got into a fight next to my locker and one of them banged his head on a metal door beside me. And another time when they shot off fireworks I wasn’t expecting after our last home football game. Both times Landen was there, wrapping his arms around me like they are now and whispering in my ear.
“You’re okay. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”
Both times he kept me still. The tremors came and went but no full-blown seizures like before. Even the doctors can’t explain it in medical terms. But they think my PTSD stems from being afraid of what was about to happen to me, from feeling unsafe and alone. Landen is my cure. I snuggle into him even closer, and a satisfied yet pained groan escapes his throat.
My stomach is tied in knots of anticipation at the thought of Landen’s mouth on mine, his tongue inside of me. I’m nervous and a little scared. Scared of crossing a line I’ll never be able to come back from. Scared it will change things. He’s my best friend—heck, my only friend if I’m being honest—and I can’t imagine my life without him.
But right now, with his body pressed against mine and his breath on my neck, I can’t imagine anything that would ever separate us.
He knows about my parents, my seizures, and I know about his dad. Something about knowing each other’s darkest, ugliest truths has made us even closer than any kiss ever could.
And we’re both going to UGA next year—together. Staring at his hands, I wish we didn’t have gloves on so I could feel his skin now. But I know I will later. A little shiver passes through me and he leans down and murmurs into my ear again.
“Cold?”
His voice has my insides turning to molten lava and I can’t speak so I just shake my head no. He holds me tighter anyways and I’m glad. His grip is the only thing keeping me anchored to Earth. Otherwise I’d probably float off into outer space from being so full of lightness for the first time in so long.
If we weren’t pressed up against each other so tightly, I might not have felt the shift in his stature when his shoulders went stiff.
“Fuck me,” he mutters under his breath, and I almost say “maybe one day,” just to see his reaction. But his eyes are tight when I turn in his arms and his mouth is set in a grim line. It’s an expression I’ve only seen him wear around his asshole of a dad so I search the crowd for the Colonel.
But I don’t see him. The parade is ending and the crowd thins around us as we turn to leave.
“Landen.” I tug on his gloved hand so he’ll slow down, but he’s like a man possessed. When a couple about our age appears in front of us, he squeezes my hand so hard it hurts.
“O’Brien, long time no see, man,” a shaggy-haired guy says, reaching out a hand. I hear Landen suck in a breath just before the dark-haired, dark-eyed girl with him launches herself at Landen and kisses him square on the mouth. His hand drops mine and I’m lost in an undertow of confusion and pain. It’s a chaste kiss but it slams into me like a punch to my gut. Because it was mine. The kiss she just stole.He’smine. Or so I thought.
“Your mom called our mom and said you guys were moving back so we decided it was time for a road trip and came to help you pack,” the girl says, smiling up at my…Landen.
It’s too much to process at once and my head swims. Who is this girl? And he’s moving? Back? Back where?
“Layla,” Landen says, grabbing my hand and pulling me forward into the little group. “This is Tuck and Danni Anderson, friends of mine from Colorado.” Maybe I imagine it, wishful thinking and all that, but it seems like he puts special emphasis onfriends.“Guys, this is Layla Flaherty,” he tells them while I stand open-mouthed, trying to think straight.
Colorado then. He’s moving back to Colorado and he didn’t even bother to tell me.
“Hi,” I say quietly, waiting for more of an explanation.
“I was going to tell you, tonight, about…everything,” Landen says, directing his words solely at me. But I can’t make my tongue work to formulate a response.
“Aw hell,” the Tuck guy says, running a hand through his hair. “We’ll meet you back at the hotel, man. Let you guys talk.” He shoots Landen an apologetic look and says that it’s nice to meet me. I parrot his words because my brain’s not able to come up with any of my own.
Danniruns her eyes over Landen and her mouth forms a tiny smile. “Sorry to accost you like that. Just thought it’d be a nice surprise.” If she’s looking for confirmation, Landen doesn’t offer any. Just nods and says that he’ll see them later.
Once we’re alone in the cab of his truck, it comes on slow, gradually getting louder until the ringing in my ears drowns out everything else. But I’m not about to seize out. No, this is much worse. I’m about to do the one thing I haven’t allowed myself to do in front of anyone since my parents were killed. I’m about to cry.
“It’snot what you think,” I tell her in the cab of my truck after Danni and Tuck appeared out of nowhere and ruined my life.
