Page 65 of Keep Me Still

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Eyes blazing, he turns to face me. Hurt and fear are contorting his beautiful features. “You’re one to talk. You don’t even tell your goddamn roommate that you could seize out and drop dead any minute. That you have an inoperable hematoma the size of a golf ball pressing on your brain, and if it ruptures, she won’t be able to call 911 fast enough.”

I choke back a sob because of that word. I hate that word. Hate it coming out of his mouth even more.

Inoperable.

Broken. Beyond repair. Unfixable.

But he’s right. And he knows. Of course he does. That’s the only reason he would give up everything to be with me. Guilt and pity for the poor little dying girl.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” he asks quietly, looking away finally so I can breathe.

“It’s no one else’s business,” I whisper.

But it’s a lie and we both know it. They’re a part of my life now. I’ve let them in. Made it their business.

“Bullshit.” His gaze hardens and I just want to be alone.

“Get out,” I say evenly.

“No.”

“I want you to leave, I mean it. And I don’t just mean this room.”

Landen recoils like I’ve shoved him with all my might even though I haven’t laid a finger on him. “What?”

“I want you to go on with your life, like you would be doing if you’d never met me. If my aunt hadn’t convinced you to come here and babysit me. Go play soccer in Ecuador, or wherever. Justgo.”

“Jesus Christ, Layla. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“Get out!” I scream, and Corin and Skylar be damn. I need him to get away before I lose it.

“Layla, what the fu—”

“Landen?” Skylar’s in the doorway looking tired and confused.

“Layla?” Corin appears behind him, and I feel instantly guilty.

This is why I don’t let people in. This is why I kept to myself—it was so much better that way. I hate the way everyone is looking at me. Their faces are the identical masks of shock and confusion and repulsion everyone wears when I come out of a seizure.

“We’re fine.” Landen glowers at them and our roommates disappear from the doorway. “Don’t do this. I know you’re mad and I get it, I do. I’m sorry. Just please—”

“Just please go.”

“Why?” His expression is so wounded that I almost crawl into his lap to comfort him.

But I don’t. “Because it hurts to be around you. It hurts knowing that you came here because of what’s wrong with me. What do you think you are? The one-man Make-A-Wish foundation? You’re not. I was fine before you. I don’t want you here.” My heart winces in pain at the lie. There’s no conviction left in my voice because the last part isn’t true.

I must be one hell of a liar because Landen stands up, and I can see his chest heaving from the deep breaths he’s taking. We’re ruining it. Or rather, I am. Just like I knew I would. But he shouldn’t have to waste his life waiting for me to die so he can finally move on.

“You don’t mean that,” he says quietly. But I can hear the doubt in his voice.

I want to ease his doubt. I want to tell him I need him and can’t stand the thought of being without him. But I don’t. Somehow, I don’t. “Yes I do.”

Even I’m surprised at the conviction of my words. But part of me doesn’t want him here. Part of me wants to go back to going through the motions so I don’t have to constantly ache at the thought of not getting a long, happy life with him. With anyone. A small outdoor wedding in Georgia after graduation, a kid of our own, or two or three. A future. I didn’t want one after my parents died. Until Landen. And knowing I won’t have one iskillingme. As is the hematoma on my brain. Maybe even more so.

But I won’t take away his future, too. I won’t leave him mourning me for the rest of his life, like the man who murdered my parents did to me. He deserves better than that. He deserves a healthy girlfriend, one he can make plans of a future with, plans that might actually happen. I never should have let things go this far.

“I’m going,” he says quietly. “But just to my dorm. And just for tonight. You can push me away all you want, Layla, but I won’t go without a fight.”