Page 10 of The Naughty List
“You have an eleven hundred dollar purse and you don’t have a pen in it?” I know the price because my brother saved up months of his cop salary to get it for her last Christmas. And he still brings it up anytime she asks for something new.
She clutches the bag in question lovingly to her chest. “You don’t put ink pens—that could leak ink—in Louis.”
I hand her a pen “Here.” I continue to dig through my bag. “I have paper in here somewhere.”
I know I recently jotted down a recipe for lemon blueberry vegan muffins for Jonah on a piece of the stationary he gave me. It should still be in my purse.
When I locate and produce it, she takes it eagerly. I watch as she flips the recipe over to the blank side, places the pen to her lips for a second, then begins writing furiously.
“First, you need to go to the adult toy store, Hollis. Forget Jonah. You need to go for yourself.” She scribbles out something I can’t decipher from where I’m sitting. “You’ve had the same vibrator for years. Get a couple new ones and try them out. Trust me, you’ll see colors you haven’t seen before.”
“Jesus, Addi.”
She nods thoughtfully. “Yeah, you might see Him too.”
I nearly choke on my drink.
Addi is the sister I never had and always wanted. She’s not everyone’s cup of tea—she’s crass, loud, and opinionated—but she’s mine and I love her. No way I could talk to Mikey or Tony about this stuff. They don’t like me walking Jonah’s dogs, they sure wouldn’t want me buying his sex toys.
“Let’s see.” She raps the pen loudly against the table before diving back into her list. “Next up, lingerie. Oh yeah, this will show him. Dalton ain’t got shit on you.”
Finishing my drink while she continues, I watch her scrawling in her large loopy-lettered handwriting until she’s out of room.
When she’s finished, I reach for it, but she holds it to her chest.
“I want you to have an open-mind, Hollis. Remember, this is your career we’re talking about. Your livelihood. I know it’s a lot to take in. But remember, what your ma says. How do you eat an elephant?”
I’m growing impatient. “One bite at a time. Lemme see what you got.”
“That’s right.” She places the list on the table and I feel my eyes go wide as I take in her instructions.
Lifting it as if it might self-destruct in my hands, I glance up at her. “You’re sure this is…I mean…how am I supposed to…” I set it back down and shake my head.
Her list is short but each task is crazier than the last.
Buy an adult toy. Buy a couple and test them out so you can give him a full consumer report. The curved pink silicone one in the black box with the small piece on the top is my favorite. It’s waterproof. Use it in the bathtub or shower for best results.
Model the sexiest lingerie you can find. Use your best ASSets. Bet Dalton won’t go the extra mile like you can.
Break a law to get him something he needs. Shows dedication and that you’re not as goody two shoes as he thinks you are.
Find out his deepest, darkest secret and keep it safe. Show him he can trust you.
Forgive him when he does something stupid—which he will because he’s a man. Show him you can handle him and the job without messy female emotions getting in the way.
Speaking of, don’t, no matter what happens, fall in love with him. You can’t make love to him ever! But if you fuck him, I want details. No prolonged eye contact. Be sure to sit on his handsome face.
“You’re insane,” I say when I finally meet her waiting stare. “Completely.” I fold her ridiculous list and toss it back into my purse. “You know I can’t do those things. And you’re the wife of a law enforcement officer telling me to break the law. Nice, Addi.”
“What? I’m telling you, that’s it. Right there. The key to this job you want. No way in hell he wouldn’t give it to you after all that. The job and some D if you want it.”
I snort out a laugh. “Yeah, okay.”
“You tried to talking to him, right?” I don’t nod because I already feel like a bobble head, but she knows the answer so she continues. “He thinks you’re too pure for his world. The only way you’re getting what you want is if you prove him wrong, Hol. You’ve been working for him for two years and how much upward mobility has there been? Um, none. So either put your big girl panties on and get to it, or find a job elsewhere that doesn’t involve dog shit.”
A small voice inside me says she’s right. Maybe I could do the first three or four on the list. Maybe even five.
Six has jammed itself into my brain.
