Page 83 of Student Seduction
Dearest Emersyn,
I should have told you every single day how beautiful and brave and brilliant you are. I should have thanked you every day for being the most amazing daughter a mother could have. For being a mother to Ethan when I couldn’t. For being strong enough to love and care for me me when I was unlovable.
I’m sorry for so many things, but I hope that despite my mistakes and the many ways I failed you, I hope you find love. I hope you find all kinds of it. I hope you greet every day with wide open outstretched arms. I hope when life is unkind and knocks you down, you reach deep down for the strength I’ve seen in you since you were a little girl and get back up. I pray you learn to breathe and let go of hurt and disappointment and focus on the beauty in life. Beauty you’ve always seen and shown in your art.
Don’t live your life in mourning—for me or anyone else or of a life you thought you’d have—live a life in eager anticipation of the unknown and the unexpected. There is so much beauty and joy in this life if you keep your heart open to it. I think you’ve always seen that better than I have.
I hope you spend your life creating the art you love, relishing in the passion you possess and being celebrated for your many talents.
Most of all, I hope you live the life you dream of, with whoever makes you happy no matter what anyone else thinks. I hope you find someone that sees you as I do, worthy of immense, immeasurable amounts of love. I hope you love one another wildly with the reckless abandon of your whole hearts.
I love you Emersyn Elizabeth. I have loved you since I felt the first fluttering kicks in my tummy and even when I felt those sharp painful ones in my ribs. I have loved you every day of your life and I wish I had not spent so much time focused on what I didn’t have and more time focusing on what I did. But I promised Kat I wouldn’t dwell on regrets and I hope you don’t either.
Love is a rare and precious gift to be celebrated. Celebrate, Emersyn. Celebrate waking up, celebrate finding love, celebrate your amazing talent and your beautiful heart.
All my love forever,
Mom
When I was finished reading her words, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.
I cried until I choked and sobbed and seized.
My nose ran and my throat clogged and my face hurt like hell. Just when I thought I was done, I cried some more.
I cried because we didn’t get to have this conversation in person. Because I held onto the hurt she’d caused right up until this moment. Because I didn’t get to say the things I wanted to before she was gone.
I didn’t know how much time passed, but my eyes finally dried and though I sniffled and shuttered a little, I stopped breaking down enough to drive toward the hotel I was staying in.
On the way there, I passed through Riverside and stared at the waterfront where a carnival once was. I drove through the college campus where we’d had class together, though I’d only known him then as the handsome guy who sat behind me in art history. High Octane had a new name and there were new storefronts but it was still familiar.
A tattoo shop called Wild Ink caught my eye.
At twenty-two, I’ve never had a tattoo in my life but suddenly I wanted several. They began appearing behind my eyes in collage of ink-covered skin.
Maybe I’d never see him again, but Aiden would always have the tattoos of my artwork. I found comfort in that and peace in my mom’s words.
I’d loved him wildly and recklessly. With my whole heart.
But now it was time to let go.
When I finally made it to my hotel room hours later, I lifted up my shirt and looked at the words inked in beautiful script just above my ribs on either side.
Loveon the left andLet goon the right.
I stared at my reflection for a long while before looking at the words once more.
Two sides of the same coin.
Reminders.
I could love. With my whole heart. I could let go of the years my mother’s anger inflicted pain upon us. I could let go of the fear that I may never love anyone the way I loved Aiden Singleton. Part of me would love him forever. And that was okay. But I wouldn’t live a life dwelling on what I’d lost.
It was time to stop looking for him, time to stop expecting to see him around every corner. Time to stop daydreaming about melodramatic scenes where he appeared and professed his undying love for me.
I opened the messaging app on my phone and pulled up his number. I didn’t know if he still had the same one but it was all I had besides his old Yahoo E-mail address, which I doubted he still used.
In a rush of adrenaline, I tapped his name and typed out a text.
