Page 25 of Hold Us Close
My biological father was part Italian. A professional soccer player, like me. And now I know his name.
Watching my mom smile at a memory I’m not sure I want to know about makes my head pound. “He was amazing on the field. Full of energy and aggressive…like you,” she tells me. “His team won the tournament that weekend, and my friends and I agreed to go out and celebrate with them. It was…” She bites her lip and her expression clouds over. “It was not the decision that I should’ve made as a married woman.”
She phrases it carefully. But I hear what she doesn’t say.It was a mistake. You were a mistake.
“That’s enough,” I say, because I can’t take anymore.
“Landen—”
“No. I got it. You had an affair. You made a mistake and then you got to pay for it for eighteen years.”
“Son, give her a chance—”
I huff out a harsh laugh, interrupting whatever The Colonel was about to say. “Did you miss the point of the story, Colonel? I’m not your son. But wait, you knew that already.” Shoving my chair back, I stand to leave.
“Sit down. Now,” my mother commands in a voice I don’t recall ever hearing her use. “You are a grown man as you so helpfully pointed out. You’re about to be a father yourself. So sit your ass back in that chair and listen. You can be pissed and storm out when we’re finished.”
Where was this woman all those years when I needed her to be strong for me?
I wait a beat but then I sit. Might as well let them get it all out there so they’ll leave me alone.
“I came home two months later and your mother told me the truth. She didn’t lie or try to hide it. She was ready to sign divorce papers and walk away the day I returned.” The Colonel’s voice fills the room. My mom and I both look at the phone as if it’s actually him sitting there. “And I told her the truth as well. I hadn’t been the picture perfect husband while I was away either. Plus I was up for a promotion, and the Army likes family men. Men with wives and kids. So we talked and we decided to do what we could to make it work.”
“Except it didn’t work. Because you hated me,” I choke out, startled by the sound of my own voice.
“I never hated you, Landen,” he says evenly. “Never. But every time you did or said something that reminded me that you were another man’s son, I…I lost control. I’m sorry. God, there aren’t words to say how sorry I am.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I take deep breaths and think of Layla. Of our child, the one who—so help me God—will have a better life than I did. If I have to live at the fucking Axis Center, or in a whole other country, whatever it takes, I will not ever put my child through what I went through.
“I blamed myself. I blamed Jack. I blamed Javier. I even blamed the Army,” my mother says quietly. “I let my own shame keep me quiet in the corner when I should have stood up for you. Your father…The Colonel was powerful and had government connections. I knew my options were risk having to share custody with him, or letting my secret affair come to light. Looking back it was all such a—”
“Such a what, mom? A huge fucking mistake? Go ahead and say it. I’m a walking, talking, living, breathing mistake.”
“No,” she says, her shoulders shaking with sobs. “Never. I regretted stepping out on my marriage, betraying my husband, but I never regretted you. Not once after I found out I was pregnant did I regret what happened because I loved you the moment I knew you existed.”
“Hell of a way to show it,” I mumble under my breath.
“The only person who should be regretting anything is me,” The Colonel breaks in. “I said I could step up, could be a father. But I only half-ass committed. And I let you both down.”
“Don’t expect me to fucking forgive you,” I practically yell at the phone. “You treated me like a dog. Hell, worse than a dog. You know what the really screwed up part is?” My voice cracks under the strain of emotion, but I don’t care. “The really sick, twisted, fucked up part is that I preferred it when you hit me. Preferred when you yelled and threatened and punished me. Because that was better than the alternative. Better than being completely ignored. At least when you were screaming and swinging I knew you knew I existed.” A hard sob breaks its way to the surface and I want to smash everything in the fucking room.
“Landen,” my mother says softly, her voice sounding so much like Layla’s it hurts to hear.
“I was a kid. An innocent fucking kid who never asked to be born. Nothing I did was ever good enough because neither one of you wanted me to exist. Like I could fucking help that.”
“Son, please. Please give me a chance to explain. It wasn’t you I was angry with. It wasn’t you who wasn’t good enough or did anything wrong. It was me. I hated me. And that spilled over onto both of you.”
“Oh yeah? What’s with the epiphany, Colonel? Army make you go to sensitivity training or some shit?”
I’m up and pacing, trying to regain control of myself when he speaks again. “As a matter of fact, they did. After I hit you on Thanksgiving, your girlfriend’s aunt reported my behavior to anyone who would listen. And she has some serious connections. Thanks to her, I got some mandatory help. But it did help, and even though I’m still the same hard ass son of a bitch I’ve always been, I see the error of my ways, son. And I’m man enough to be sorry. To admit that to you. And to your mother. I can only hope that one day you both will be willing to give an old man another chance.”
“You can go to hell,” I say through gritted teeth. Leaning forward to glare at the phone, I brace both of my hands on the table and try not to tear the damn thing in two. “You should’ve walked away. You don’t say you’ll be a father and then spend eighteen years taking out the fact that you don’t want to be on a kid that had nothing to do with anything. If you were man enough to say you’d make it work then you damn well should have.”
The irony of the situation hits me so hard I nearly stagger backwards.
I’ve been doing the exact same thing to Layla. Telling her we’ll figure something out and then losing my shit over and over. We’re having a kid. A kid I know without a doubt is mine, and I’ve been a complete and utter asshole. She’s willing to risk her life to have my baby.My baby.
My airway constricts and I can’t breathe. Vision blurring from the tears welling in my eyes, I interrupt whatever my mom and The Colonel are saying to soothe me. “I’m done here. I have to go.”
