Page 31 of Hold Us Close
“I love who you are,” I say softly.
“I know you do. And God, Layla. I love you so damn much it doesn’t even make sense. I grew up not even knowing what love was exactly. But you…you are the most amazing girl. Woman, I mean. You lost your parents, or they were taken from you, brutally and right in front of you. As a result, you end up with the kind of medical issues that soldiers who spend years in combat have. Plus a hematoma pressing on your brain. And you don’t complain. You don’t get angry. You just deal with everything head-on as it comes. I wouldn’t even know how not to love you.”
His words break my heart and make me smile all at once. But there’s more. And from his expression, it doesn’t look like it’s a good kind of more. “I sense there’s a but coming.”
“But…you deserve better. The kid growing inside of you deserves better. And honestly, knowing what I know about myself, knowing there isn’t a cure for this, I don’t know if I can be better.”
“You are exactly what we deserve, Landen.”
He clears his throat and glances out at the water again. “I’m not, baby. I’m a fucked-up mess of a man who probably shouldn’t be trusted with a goldfish, much less a kid.”
“What are you saying?” I hold my breath as I wait for his answer.
“I’m saying I love you, and I want you and our child to have everything. The best of everything. Dr. Sanderson wants me to stick around a while and continue therapy. Next month I’ll go back to Spain and move into team housing. I’m going to set it up with Coach so that my paycheck goes directly into your account. The one I think you should set up at a bank here. Where you should stay. We can talk to Corin about staying with her until we find a place,” he says with a small attempt at a smile.
“No,” I say evenly, heat building inside of me. “Who do you think you are, just making decisions for us?”
“Layla, calm down. I just want what’s—”
“No. No I will not calm down. If you say one more word, I’m going to show you what an anger disorder really looks like.” I’d jump up, but my little bump has made me less agile. “You listen to me, Landen O’Brien. You think you can just pawn us off on Corin and tell yourself it’s for the best? Well I’ve got news for you. Big news. Ready? Brace yourself. This may come as a shock.”
I wait until I have his full attention to continue.
“I’m pregnant. The baby is yours. No, it’s ours. And we will raise it together and you will spend every day for the rest of your life trying your hardest to be the kind of man, the kind of father, I know you can be. To tell you the truth, I’m two seconds from asking Corin to make a call to her New York connections and having a hit put on The Colonel. I hate him for what he’s done to you. For how he’s made you feel. But let me tell you how you’ve made me feel. Do you have any idea what my life was like before you?”
“If it weren’t for me, you’d have had surgery two months ago that would’ve saved your life, Layla.” His voice is flat. Even. But his entire being is consumed with disgust. At himself.
I struggle for the words to help him understand. To make him see himself as I do instead of how his dad did. “Or I could’ve had a stroke and died on the table during that surgery, Landen. There’s no way to know for sure. But here’s what I do know. You taught me how to live. I was a walking corpse, going through the motions, getting through my life as if it were a prison sentence. In a lot of ways it was after my parents were killed.”
He opens his mouth to interrupt me, but I place a finger over his lips. “I wallowed in self-pity, in self-doubt, and in the unfairness of it all. I was invisible, mostly because I wanted to be. And then you came along. And you blew my mind. You live. You live every second of your life one hundred and ten percent. Watching you on the field made my heart race—it still does. Being on the receiving end of one of your excited grins after you score a goal makes my life worth living.
“I love the kids I work with. I love Bridging the Gap and the fact that I look forward to each day I get in this life. I have a life in Spain, too, Landen. But more than anything, I want to be where you are. Because like it or not, we’re family. You are my heart and my soul, and your passion for life inspires me to live mine.” I pause to pull in more air so I can finish. My head swims as the truth overwhelms me.
“I will never, ever give up on you. I refuse to believe that you can’t get control of this disorder, regardless of what anyone says. I’ve seen you in action. You’re the most intense man I’ve ever known. You give everything you have to everything you do. You love me more than anyone has ever loved me. And yes, you hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. But I know you don’t want to. You went into that place to get help because you want to be better, because you want to be a good father. I have no doubt in my mind that you will be. So stop doubting yourself. I have enough faith in you for the both of us.” I stop to pull his face to mine with both hands. “You will never be like your father. You have something he never did.”
“What’s that?” he chokes out, searching for the answer in my eyes.
“Me,” I whisper.
His eyes fill and he shakes his head. “I don’t deserve you, Layla Flaherty. I never did.”
“But you have me—always,” I promise, resting my forehead on his. “And you knocked me up, so there’s no getting rid of me now.”
“I want you to know what you’re getting, Layla. There’s no cure for this. If at any time you wanted out, I would understand.”
I stare straight into his eyes as I speak. “I will never want out. Never. Do you understand that?”
Fear fills his beautiful green eyes. “What if I lose it? What if I can’t control myself and I lose your faith?”
“Then you will work your ass off to get it back. Same thing you do when you miss a goal, Landen. You get it back.”
“What if you get tired of giving me second chances?”
I sigh, leaning in and wrapping my arms around him. “Love isn’t measured in chances, Landen. When you love someone, there isn’t a limit. As long as you keep trying, I will keep loving you. I don’t even know if I could stop. Not that I’d ever want to.”
His tears are slipping down his beautiful face and onto me. “Tell me what you want me to do, baby. I’ll do whatever you want.”
Pressing my back against his front, I take his hands and wrap his arms around me. His palms rest on my belly. A flutter under my skin startles us both. “Just hold me—us. Just hold us close. And don’t let go. Ever.”
