Page 67 of Safety Net
Sam shrugged and gestured to me. "Ask him."
I sighed and confessed, "Anthony dropped me last week. He walked out because I wasn't focused. He didn't think it was worth the effort?—"
"He told me he gave you multiple chances," Sam cut in. "You do realize it took incessant convincing to get him to come down here and invest in a guy who maybe, kind of, sort of wanted to be a free agent. He did it because not many people who look like you and me have the means and resources to be in this sport, and then you just don't put in the work. For what?"
When it's all laid out before me, the shame may as well swallow me whole. My knees were weak, my body half-turned away from my friends, prepping for a flight reaction.
"I don't have a good excuse, Sam," I said, shame morphing into frustration because I felt guilty enough without him throwing salt in the wound. "If that's what you've come all the way down here looking for, you're not going to get it."
"I'm not looking for anything. I just wanted you to be honest with me. Serious, for once in your life. I was trying to help you. We both were."
"I know." Breathing was laborious. So was standing, talking, and simply existing in this moment. "And I'm sorry I wasted your time and his. If you want honesty, I'll let you know, I didn't think I was worth it. I didn't think I'd make it this far."
Henrik frowned. "Make it this far?"
"What the hell does that mean?" Sam asked.
They all waited for my response. I could spin this. I could keep pretending I was fine. Heaven knew I was good at faking it. But last night, Celeste poked holes in my plan. She offered me some of her strength, and I felt how good it was to be seen for all that I was. And I couldn't hide anymore without the risk of shoving a wedge between the people I loved most in this world.
"For the past few semesters, I've been struggling with maintaining my grades. I'm not on track to graduate in thespring." I said. "And if I don't bring up my GPA with this semester's grade, I could be on academic probation… It's pending review."
They were silent. Sam frowned, jaw tensed as he undoubtedly tried to come up with a plan before I could even finish explaining. Finn and Naomi exchanged looks, trying to see if the other knew.
I didn't want to look at Henrik. I knew his response would be filled with hurt. We were best friends, and I hadn't once hinted at a struggle.
"As you all know, my attention span isn't the best. It's gotten better with volunteering. Yay," I tried to smile, but they weren't biting. Being this serious for this long made my skin itch. I could barely stand still as I said, "But it's getting worse when it comes to school and hockey. Bad enough that…like Anthony, I'm starting to believe I'm not worth the investment."
"Lincoln," Naomi tried.
"It's fine," I stopped her, mainly because I'm embarrassed about how much care was in her tone. "Discovering hockey and playing for Mendell has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Being with you all has meant everything. But when Sam moved, it shattered this illusion I'd bought into by no one's fault but my own. I remembered this isn't our life. This is the prologue to some story I'm not sure I want to read because when we leave Mendell, and this is all over, I don't think it's going to get any better than this. I don't have much more to offer. I'm not the brightest of the bunch – though we all know I am at least runner-up."
"You should have said something," Henrik finally spoke up. "I could have helped with classes."
"Me too," Naomi chimed in. "You know I don't mind, it's literally my job."
"We still could," Finn said. "It's a pending probation, not suspension. There's time, and you don't throw in the towel just because there's a limited amount. I'm down for extra practices. I like being on the ice with you."
"As far as being worth the investment goes." Sam's steady voice called for all our attention. "Who the hell convinced you of that?"
I swallowed, trying to figure out how to explain how deeply rooted my belief was. It was so far down it didn’t seem worth digging. Unearthing the roots felt impossible.
"My folks did," I muttered. "I guess. A long time ago. Honestly, I forgot about it until recently. Somewhere down the line, their voice morphed into mine. And I've been telling myself this whole time, I'm not worth it."
"Where's your proof?" Sam challenged. "Because I don't give a damn about what your parents said or what the voice in your head adopted. I don't know them; I don't know that voice in your head. And honestly, after hearing this, I have no interest in it. I know you. And I need you to give me proof that you're not worth it."
"Well, I can't commit, I can't focus. I didn't choose hockey, I followed the leader all the way to Mendell." I counted my many flaws on my hand. "And here I don't know what the hell I'm doing half the time. The one thing I want is Celeste and me, but even in that aspect, I don't know if that's going to happen because if there's one thing for certain, I'm going to find a way to fuck it up."
"My god, you talk so much." Sam rolled his eyes. "And still, you can't give me solid evidence."
I let out a dry laugh. "Is the failure of my academic career, being dropped by my personal trainer, and not being able to match the energy of the woman I'm in love with, not enough proof for you?"
"Not even close," Sam shut me down. "Want to know why?"
I scoffed. "Enlighten me."
"You haven't even tried. You shut out all of us," Sam said. "You listened to a part of you led by fear instead of listening to the people who know that when Lincoln Hill puts his mind to something, it's game over.”
"You really don't see it?" Finn's forehead wrinkled. "How much do you mean to us? How much we see in you?"
