Page 62 of Safety Net
The tour guide moved toward the boarded-up mine entrance. Camera flashed, lighting up the dim space. Everyone took photos of remnants of lives we'd never really know and stories that got more fictional with age.
"And so, what if it was a big deal?" she asked. "What's wrong with things being a big deal?"
She rested her hand on my bicep. It was barely any weight, but it was an anchor holding me in place. It was a connection I didn't want to sever.
"When things become a big deal, they become out of my control."
We’d fallen behind the group again. I suggested this tour to distract Celeste from the stress of work. Now, I'd pulled her into my own twister of fear and uncertainty. I've never even cracked the door open for someone to see the storm. I wanted to shut it now, but she’d already slipped inside.
"You don't have to keep glossing over the hard parts with me. I know I'm anxious and worried about everything, so if you're hesitating because you think I can't handle it, don't. Please, let me decide what I can handle."
It was dark enough that the solar lights lining the mine's entrance flickered on. A soft blue light bathed Celeste, highlighting her beautiful eyes and cooling her skin. Despite everything she battled on her own, Celeste was willing to jump into the deep end and face my shit too. It was an honor and privilege I knew I don't deserve. I was desperate to be deserving, though. To figure out all my bullshit and be someone worthy.
"I keep it from everyone," I reminded her. "Because I'm not good at the more serious stuff. It makes me feel…"
Useless. I liked being the entertainment. I liked if the room was heavy, I could lighten every load in under a minute. The ability to do that was far more addictive than anything I've ever taken. My identity was intrinsically tied to being someone no one had to worry about.
"It's not because of your anxiety I'm holding back. This sharing stuff is new to me.” I looked toward our group starting to the bus once more. "It's going to take some time."
Celeste nodded, understanding. "But you'll try? With me, at least?"
I smiled, fingers aching to take her hand in mine. "Of course."
"Now?" She beat me to the hand grab, braver and more sure in this moment. Her delicate fingers felt strong wrapped around mine.
My forehead wrinkled, confessed at her request. "Now?"
"Now," she confirmed. "Well…after the tour bus takes us back to town."
I laughed. "As long as it means I get to be with you, I'm in."
The night's alive with a humming of cicadas and the glow of billions of stars. Celeste turned off her headlights before we turned onto her street and parked her car in the driveway. She placed a finger to her lips when I opened my door.
"My brothers are home for the summer," she explained. "And I've never brought anyone…I like home."
"I'm good with families," I promised when we'd softly closed her doors and met at the front of her car.
"To be honest, I want to be selfish and keep you for my own a little bit longer," she confessed. "You'll undoubtedly think they're cooler than me, and I'll probably never get you back."
"Do you ever think there will come a day when you understand the magnitude of how much I'm into you?"
Celeste pressed her lips together, trying her best not to smile too much. Instead of answering, she grabbed my hand and tugged me behind her toward the backyard. She had a hard time opening the gate, going slowly so the hinges wouldn't squeak. I took over after watching her struggle for a minute.
"First time sneaking someone in?" I asked, using my old trick of shutting the gate completely.
"I do this all the time," she said, confused when I gestured for her to step back. "I have an entourage of lovers."
"Figured." I swing the gate open quickly, minimizing the squeak.
She clapped silently, impressed.
"It's all about accepting it'll make noise no matter what and knowing all you have to worry about is how much."
"A philosophy for life, truly." She grabbed my hand again, pulling me into the backyard. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down at the sight of the woman of my dreams leading me somewhere new. Her hair was bathed in moonlight, appearing softer and more heavenly than ever. I tugged her to a stop for a second, earning a confused eyebrow raise.
"What's wrong?" She turned to me, framed by the hazy glow of fireflies buzzing behind her.
"I just…" I shrugged. "Wanted to see you."
