Page 16 of Safety Net
“I hope so.”
“Even if he didn’t, he would look forward to spending time with you,” he assured.
My cheeks burned. Even faking eye contact became too much.
“I’m sure the same goes for you,” Finn said.
I shrugged. “I don’t know him well enough to say…”
I dared to look up in time to catch Finn’s brow wrinkle. “But you want to? Know him that is.”
Did I? Of course. But not in the way Finn may be alluding to. Not in the way Naomi insisted Lincoln wanted to get to know me.
I’ve never felt the pull to know anyone in that way. And I hadn’t thought too much about how different my sentiment was until last year, when Naomi found Finn. She would fantasize about spending time with him and all the touchy-feely, sexual stuff that came with it. I didn’t mind talking about love or sex. I never minded watching movies depicting whirlwind romances and happily-ever-afters. In fact, sometimes it fascinated me how people fell into love or lust so easily. Because I never looked at someone and imagined cuddling with them. Fantasizing about being in bed with someone was anything but thrilling. Why would I want to kiss someone I’d just meet? Let alone sleep with them. It all seemed impractical and uninteresting. Like a task, a checklist of things to get through so the other person felt seen and comfortable. Kiss here. Entwine fingers there. Stare into their eyes like nothing else mattered when, in fact, there are a million other things that mattered as much.
My stomach churned; my heart rate was steady in its uptick. I didn’t know how to explain all that in a succinct way that was easy to understand. I’ve never had to because it never felt imperative for others to understand.
Naomi whispered something in Finn’s ear. She sensed my tension and his confusion becoming something unsettling for both of us.
“I’m not giving Lincoln, apparently,” Finn said apologetically.
“It’s okay.” I tried to smile. “I’m not giving…”
Anything good. Anything hopeful. My hesitation about Lincoln would be a red flag for any friend, especially if said friend believed Lincoln was still interested in me, which I could and would refute if given the opportunity. I’d burned that bridgelong ago. Between the anxiety and my standoffish nature, I was shocked most days even Naomi chose to stick around.
The most interesting thing about me was my music. And even that only went so far.
“But you got the conversation flowing for a little while there,” Naomi jumped in as she moved from behind Finn. “It sounded natural. You two were learning about each other without needing a prompt from someone else.”
“We should try again,” Finn said. “I’ll do better now I know what you all are looking for.”
“No, I think…” I shook my head. “I think this has been more than helpful.”
Naomi’s smile vanished. “You sure? We haven’t even gotten to the part where you tell him about benchmarks. That’s your favorite part!”
I tried to smile as I picked at my nail beds behind my back. “Best not to overprepare. It’ll make the whole thing sound too stiff, right?”
Naomi tilted her head side to side before her reluctant, “Right.”
“One more piece of advice?” Finn asked. “It’s something that helps me.”
“Sure,” I said, shocked he’d even offer any.
“When you talk to Lincoln, you should focus on your purpose,” Finn said. “When I had to get used to being around people again post-accident, I struggled a lot with getting what I thought and felt out. Especially when it came to talking to Naomi, so I started practicing small talk with anyone I could. While I practiced, I thought of the big picture: connecting with Naomi. That purpose was a north star. Whenever I felt overwhelmed about saying the right thing, I’d think about her and how my practice was helping me connect with her. The goal stabilized me.”
“That’s…really helpful. Thank you.” I’m shocked by how much he shared. It’s the longest I’ve heard Finn speak. He massaged Naomi’s hand, glancing at her throughout as though he was still thinking of ways to get closer to her and still seeing her as his north star.
“When you’re ready to talk to Lincoln, don’t think about planning every word. Think about what you’re trying to share. Where do you want to be when the conversation is over?”
It was easy to smile at Finn when he sounded so sure I would succeed. “Thank you.”
“Did it help? Really?” He looked hopeful.
“A lot,” I promised.
“I’m glad.” He seemed pleased as a soft sigh fell from his lips. “Could I ask you a favor?”
Naomi looked as surprised as I felt. I nodded for him to go on.
