Page 43 of All That Glitters
The director stared at him, then at the manuscript with the Starving Artists cover sheet, then back at him, his expression one of utter confusion. Meanwhile, the actor wiggled about in his spacesuit, suspended several feet above the Mars landscape by his wire harness.
“Did Eli send you?” the director asked in complete bewilderment.
“Uhm, yeah,” Tony said quickly. “He sends his regards.”
Before the stunned director could process the words ‘vampire fraternity,’ the soundstage doors burst open and two security guards stormed in. The first one keyed his radio.
“Spotted him,” the guard said. “He’s desecrating the set of Mars Odyssey IV: The Reckoning!”
Tony took off running again, disappearing out a side door and back into the sunlight. Now three guards were after him, their shouts of “Stop!” and “They told us the job didn’t require running!” echoing behind him.
Tony rounded a corner and found himself at the edge of the tranquil pond from the Jaws exhibit. He scrambled past the rustic Amityville seaport and replica of the Orca, when he spotted two more security guards barreling his way in their golf carts, donuts and coffee flying everywhere.
Tony glanced back at the approaching guards, then at the suspiciously calm water. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” he mumbled, then, holding his backpack above his head, he leaped into the pond with a splash that sent a flock of confused ducks scattering. He surfaced, sputtering out a mouthful of questionable water, and started paddling for the other side.
That’s when he heard the ominous music. Duh-nuh. Duh-nuh. A familiar fin cut through the water, heading straight for him with surprising speed.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he sputtered, his frantic, one-armed doggy-paddle turning into a full-blown panic-stroke.
The mechanical shark lunged, its pneumatic jaws snapping shut just inches from his flailing feet. Tony paddled like mad for the other side. He finally reached it and scrambled up onto the dock, sopping wet and covered in what he sincerely hoped was just algae.
On the far side of the pond, the guards just shook their heads in dismay. There was no way they were following this idiot into the shark-infested waters. “I don’t get paid enough for this,” one of them muttered. He picked up his radio. “Subject is now on the east side of the Jaws exhibit. Repeat, east side. And he’s soaking wet.”
Tony cut through a grove of fake palm trees, leaving a trail of puddles behind him, and found himself on the edge of theJurassic Park exhibit. Just as he ran past, a mechanical raptor popped out from the lush foliage, shrieking its pre-recorded shriek and lunging forward on pneumatic hinges. Tony barely noticed, too busy dodging a new golf cart that had joined the chase from another access road.
“Stop right there!” the driver shouted, accelerating toward him.
“Sorry! Can’t stop! Got scripts to deliver!” Tony shouted back, darting between two massive ferns and into the denser part of the prehistoric jungle.
A new tour tram was just entering the exhibit, filled with fresh-faced tourists eager for their glimpse of Hollywood magic. From the passengers’ point of view, it was the greatest show on earth. They saw a soaking-wet, frantic man being chased by three security guards on foot and three golf carts, all while animatronic dinosaurs lunged from the bushes, their programmed roars adding to the cacophony of shouts and engine noises.
“Wow!” a tourist from Ohio shouted, his phone’s camera glued to his face. “This new interactive experience is so realistic! The way that guy is running, he really looks terrified!”
“Do you think he’s a famous actor?” his wife whispered, straining to see if she recognized the bedraggled figure sprinting through the foliage.
“Must be!” the husband replied. “They wouldn’t put this much effort into the show for a nobody.”
Tony vaulted over a low fence and into the massive, darkened soundstage for the King Kong 360 3-D experience. He found himself on a narrow service catwalk as the show started below. A tour tram was just entering the attraction, its passengers donning 3D glasses in anticipation of the spectacle to come.
The giant curved screens on either side of the tram lit up. King Kong was battling a T-Rex, the massive creatures roaring andlunging across the screens. The ground shook. Wind machines blew a jungle breeze over the visitors. Water sprayed in bursts. And through it all, Tony kept running, now a tiny, real-life figure in a world of digital mayhem. Five security guards were in hot pursuit now, their flashlights cutting panicked beams through the darkness.
“Sir! This is a restricted area!” one of them shouted, his voice nearly drowned out by Kong’s ear-splitting roar.
On the tram below, tourists wearing 3D glasses were losing their minds at the unexpected addition to the experience.
“This is amazing!” a kid shrieked with delight, pointing at the catwalk above. “Look, Dad! Kong is fighting the dinosaur, and the park rangers are trying to catch that guy! Is he a poacher? Is this part of the story?”
The father squinted through his 3D glasses. “I don’t remember this part from the movie...”
Tony burst out the other side of the Kong exhibit, emerging once again into daylight. He found himself facing a fork in the road. To his left, the whimsical, cartoonish street of Whoville, with its curved buildings and Christmas decorations. To his right, a lonely, Gothic house on a hill. He chose the hill.
By now, the chase had escalated to a level of absurdity that was attracting media attention. News helicopters were circling overhead, their cameras broadcasting the bizarre scene live across Los Angeles.
Tony sprinted up the winding path toward the iconic Psycho house. Behind him came the security guards, now a comically large contingent of at least ten guards on foot, three golf carts, and one determined-looking man on a Segway. The absurdity of the situation wasn’t lost on Tony.
He reached the porch, his lungs burning and legs feeling like lead. He grabbed the doorknob and twisted frantically. It was locked.
It figured.
