Page 25 of All That Glitters
“Don’t forget, you still owe Debbie too,” Tony said.
“I haven’t,” Jeff grumbled. “Speaking of which, where is she? It’s weird not seeing the two of you joined at the hip.”
“I granted her parole so she could study for her midterms.”
“I see,” Jeff said. “So, are you still sticking to the whole ‘just friends’ thing?
“Are you still sticking to your conspiracy theory that we’re not?”
“Yup. And I even came up with a way of explaining the inherent flaws in your whole ‘are they or aren’t they’ relationship that will save us all some grief and tortured plotlines down the road.”
Tony rolled his eyes. “Let me guess. It involves a canceled TV show from the nineties.”
Jeff nodded. “It’s a scientific case study of a well-established television trope. You guys are like Dawson and Joey, first season. You grew up together, you live in each other’s pockets, you know everything about each other. That history is what’s making it so hard for you to move on to the romance part.”
“Or,” Tony said, “it might be because there is no romance part.”
Even as he said this, something felt different about it this time. He couldn’t deny that something charged and flirtatious had passed between him and Debbie that night in La Jolla. And he had felt something like it several times during his writing boot camp. There had been the playful nudges and sparkle in her eyes as they exchanged glances; little things that sent his pulse racing. She had to have felt it too, because it kept happening. He didn’t know what to call it yet, but the word romance just felt strangely off-limits to use.
“Dude. There’s always a romance part,” Jeff insisted. “It’s the first rule of television. But you guys can’t hook up, or else everything gets all weird.”
“Like Dawson’s Creek did,” Matt added from the couch. “It was never the same after season one.”
“Right!” Jeff said, pointing his beer bottle at Matt. “And Moonlighting after Bruce Willis hooked up with Cybill Shepherd. Ratings tanked. The magic was gone.”
“And Melrose Place, too,” Matt added again. “After Billy and Alison got together.”
“Don’t forget Cheers,” Jeff said. “Sam and Diane had this incredible will-they-won’t-they thing going, and then they did, and then they didn’t, and it was just... messy.”
Tony let out an exasperated sigh and scrubbed a hand over his face. “Do you guys watch any shows that are actually still on the air? Or do you just get your life lessons from dusty box sets and late-night reruns?”
“Dude. There are valuable insights to be learned from the ghosts of television past,” Jeff said. “And the big one, the one that applies directly to your situation, is this: you don’t hook up with your chick buddy. It ruins the show.”
“I’m not hooking up with anybody!” Tony snapped, his voice sharper than he intended. “I’m planning how to sell my script. You know, the one you just lost the bet on.”
The idea of “hooking up” with Debbie felt somehow cheap. It diminished what they had. What they had was bigger. More important. She was his rock, and the thought of it changing, of it getting ‘all weird,’ terrified him more than the thought of failing at this script. It was easier to deny the possibility altogether than to risk the fragile, perfect balance they’d established.
Yet even as he denied it, images flashed through his mind — the way she smiled when she liked his story ideas, the way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was thinking, theplayful way she swatted him whenever he teased her. They were small details that made him always want more.
Jeff, however, was on a roll. “The hooking up thing always happens, dude. It’s inevitable. It’s a ticking time bomb. And as your pal, I’m here to save you from a lifetime of lame reruns and cancellation by going out with her instead of you.”
Tony’s thoughts came to a sudden, screeching halt. That same possessive urge flared up inside him that he’d felt at the bar that day; the one that felt uncomfortably close to jealousy.
“What?” Tony croaked.
“Think about it,” Jeff continued, apparently oblivious to the fact that Tony’s face had gone through several changes of color in the past ten seconds. “If one of us dates Debbie, it removes the romantic tension from your friendship, keeps you guys in the safe zone of platonic best-friendship, and prevents the inevitable relationship disaster that would ruin everything you’ve built together.”
“It’s like a controlled burn,” Matt added. “You know, when firefighters deliberately set small fires to prevent bigger, more destructive fires later?”
“Plus,” Jeff said, really warming to his theme now. “She’s actually cute and cool. She’d make a great girlfriend for someone who isn’t you.”
“Someone like me,” Matt said, raising his hand.
“Or me,” Jeff said, shooting Matt a competitive look. “I mean, I’m almost a lawyer. Lawyers are very desirable. We have excellent earning potential and a thorough understanding of contract law, which could come in handy for relationship negotiations.”
“I’m an accountant,” Matt countered. “I’m stable, reliable, and I can do her taxes. Those are very attractive qualities in a long-term partner.”
Tony stared at them, a knot tensing in his stomach. His two buddies were sitting in his living room, drinking beer, while casually discussing the pros and cons of dating the most important person in his life. It was like watching someone debate whether to repaint the Mona Lisa or use it as a coaster.
