Page 35 of Making Home with You
My phone chimes out with a text just as I’m getting ready to leave.
Sarah: sorry, got caught up.Just getting train now.
Me: don’t apologize.Hope you had a good day.Will see you soon.
There’s no response from Sarah, so I finish logging off my computer, say goodbye to the duty officer and head outside to my car.
“Finn?”
I freeze at the sound of my name.So much for hoping this was all over, clearly the message has still not been received.
“Carla,” I say, turning toward her.
She offers me a smile as she walks over to me, her gloved hands twisting together as though she’s nervous; her breaths heavy and coming out in tiny white clouds.
“What do you want?”I ask, my words sounding harsher than I intend them too.
“Can we talk?”she asks, stopping in front of me.
I glance at my watch even though I know it’s at least an hour before I have to be at the station to get Sarah.“About what?”
Carla steps closer.“Can we maybe go and get a drink or something?”she asks.“So we don’t have to talk out here?”
I let out a long exhale as I scrub a hand down my face.I don’t particularly want to have whatever this conversation is going to be about at all.Not here in the parking lot or anywhere else.
“I don’t have time, Carla,” I eventually say.“Just tell me whatever…”
“What does she have that I don’t?”she blurts out, cutting me off.
“What?”I reply, confused.
“This woman,” Carla says, waving a hand around as though Sarah is standing right here with us.“What does she have that I don’t?”
Carla meets my stare and although her face has a look of sadness on it, there’s a hardness to her eyes that I can’t read.Neither of us says anything and quite honestly, I have no idea how I am supposed to answer her question at all.For me, it’s never been about what Carla doesn’t have.
“Finn?”she prompts, stepping a tiny bit closer.
I shake my head, stepping backward as I pull my car keys from my pocket.“Look Carla,” I start, having no idea how I can possibly explain this to her in a way that doesn’t piss her off.“It’s not like that,” I start.“You and I, we…”
“We were something once,” she says.
I shake my head at her.“In high school, Carla,” I say.“Like sixteen years ago or something.And it wasn’t even that serious, was it?”
“It was for me,” she says, sniffing.
I take a deep breath, force myself to stay calm even though all I want to do is get the hell out of here.“Look,” I say, exhaling, “it was one night,” I continue.“One night, when we were teenagers, fooling around at a party,” I say.“You’re the one who dragged me into that bedroom.You even thanked me for the good time before you left.I assumed you were all okay with everything.Were okay with it being just a one-time thing too?”
“Finn,” she says, moving toward me and grabbing my arm so quickly I don’t have a chance to move.“It’s something I’ve regretted ever since it happened,” she says, her words almost a plea.“Not that it happened,” she clarifies.“I just wish I’d stayed, wish I’d told you how I really felt about you.”
“Carla, come on,” I say, pulling my arm from her grip.I don’t scare easily, but there’s something about this, about the way she’s acting, that worries me.“You never said anything to me.Not the next time we saw each other or anything.You even married someone else, for god’s sake.It can’t possibly have meant that much to you?”
She shakes her head.“It did,” she says.“And you do too.It’s why my marriage never worked out.”
I push a hand through my hair, knowing I need to end this conversation.It already feels like I’m walking a fine line as it is and the last thing I want is to push things over the edge.I can’t possibly understand how she can still harbor these feelings for me, especially when at the time we were only ever a one-time hook up.
“Carla,” I say, unlocking my car.“I’m sorry you feel differently about all of this,” I tell her.“I’m sorry you think there was ever anything more between us than what there really was,” I continue.“But for me, there will never be anything more, okay?I just don’t feel that way about you and I’m really not saying this to hurt you.That’s not what I’m trying to do here.”
She doesn’t say anything now, just bites her bottom lip as she stares back at me.Not knowing what more I can say, I open the car door and slide into my seat.But just as I’m closing the door, I hear it.
