Page 41 of The Virgin's Baby
He didn’t want me. He didn’t find me attractive. He didn’t think he could ever come to love me.
What the hell am I doing here?
Just then I realized that I was hyperventilating. I couldn’t catch my breath. Sitting up, I moved to the edge of the bed then put my head between my knees.
When I finally caught my breath, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks as I cried silently.This is it. This my life now.
I’d sold out. At twenty-three-years-old, I had given up hope of ever finding a man to love and who would love me back. I had sold my soul just to pay for the last semester of college.
I sure hoped that having that degree was worth the price I’d paid for it. I sure hoped I wouldn’t become some bitter woman who hated men.
I’d never hated the opposite sex before. I didn’t know how to interact with them at all, but I didn’t hate them. I hoped my dealings with Ransom wouldn’t sour me on them—the way I was sure to end up hating him.
I got up and went to the bathroom to pee and wash my face. When I looked in the mirror, I saw one mean bitch. A scowl on my face. An attitude from hell. I wasn’t myself.
“You are what he’s made you to be.” I laughed as I ran my hand through my wild hair. “Or what he will make out of you—but only if you let him.”
The scowl went away as I washed my face. The cool water calmed down.
“Maybe it’s the hormones,” I told myself. “Maybe I took what he said wrong.”
Tomorrow would be another day. Maybe things wouldn’t seem so bad in the light of day. Maybe things wouldn’t look like I would have a future without love. Maybe Ransom didn’t mean things the way he’d said them.
How could two people have a baby, raise it together, living under the same roof and never find love? How could that ever happen?
I felt a little bit of pain in my abdomen and went to pee. It happened now and then since starting the shots. Redness at the injection sights, swelling around the areas as well, and slight pain in my abdomen too.
Heading back to bed, I laid on my side, placing my palm on the area of my torso that hurt. It wasn’t that bad. I figured the agitation spurred it on.
Closing my eyes, I tried to go to sleep. I needed to sleep. The doctor had told me to sleep as much as I possibly could. It would help things go along more smoothly if I stayed relaxed.
She’d told Ransom that too. But apparently, he’d decided he had to tell me at one in the morning that I shouldn’t get my hopes up for him to love me.
What an ass!
I should’ve known he would be this way. Alone at thirty had to mean that he was hard to get along with. So, why did I think I could manage to do it?
I didn’t even know how to make a man happy at all. I’d never gotten the chance to. And here I was trying to make a man happy who couldn’t do that. A man who couldn’t love is who I decided to have a baby with.
So, what the hell is wrong with me?
Is financial security really worth a lifetime of no love?
Maybe I could do it for myself, but a baby didn’t deserve that.
Suddenly, I found myself getting out of bed and stomping out of my room over to his. Throwing the door open, I asked one question of the stunned man who looked at me with wide eyes. “You can’t ever love me. But can you love our baby?”
He just stared at me for the longest time before he finally answered, “Yeah, I’m sure I can love our baby.”
Slamming the door, I went back to bed to cry the rest of the night away.
Chapter Nineteen
Ransom
Lubbock, Texas – June 5th
The days were mostly silent between Aspen and I, but she needed me for this. Her eggs were about to be harvested, and she was clearly anxious.
